Posted: 06/01/2011 at 15:41
I'm after some help. I wish things were different and that I didnt feel the need to have to post here. I am an active user of this site, and would say I am pretty popular in the Born in March forum.
I had my little boy March 2nd, everything was very straight forward, pregnancy was a breeze and labour from start to finish was 3 hours 55 minutes. When L was crowning I suffered a very bad third degree tear, and was quite quickly rushed off to theatre for an epidural for stitching, although I had managed to do the whole labour and delivery with not an ounce of pain relief. While I was in theatre I remembered watching the clock tick by and did the same in recovery. Due to this I missed my son being dressed, having his first bottle and nappy change. My husband was left holding the baby so to speak, while I was helpless. I mention this as I dont know if this could be a reason to the way I feel now.
I feel lonely, sad, angry etc. I feel like nobody gives a hoot about me, doesnt care. I dont feel appreciated, and feel like I do everything all the time. My husband has said many a time that 'your just not the same person anymore' I thought it was him with the problem, until of late. I cant stop crying, getting upset and angry of the silliest of things. I always think I could be a better mother to L. Have I got PND? Why do I feel like this? I have thought about going to the doctors, but just cant get the courage to go. I tried explaining to hubby the other day about the way im feeling, he didnt really listen, well he didnt respond, he obviously listened as he called me loopy during a few cross words the next day. If he can say that what would others think? We always said we would try for another baby this month as having 2 so close together would be lovely. Hubby made the descision that this wont be happening, I never asked why, but I know deep down the answer.
L suffered with severe colic for the first 13 weeks of his life, he never stopped crying, it was terrible. I have a few memories of them days when it got so bad. I remember sitting on the sofa crying while L sobbed, I remember making up bottles in the kitchen while L lay in his moses basket on the floor crying his lungs out. I never slept, I still dont. L is now 10 months old and is still having a bottle in the night, the HV tells us he shouldnt be having this, trying to get him off it is a nightmare, he just screams and screams until he has it. Also again, I dont know if this has anything to do with how im feeling.
I wouldnt say I have alot of support around me. My husband works away 2 days (including the night) a week. I am a SAHM. Its just me and L.
Any advice would be brilliant. I feel sort of ashamed its got this bad. I wish it hadnt. I dont really want to go down the root of tablets etc, I just wish someone would listen, take me seriously, and not take the micky out of the fact im feeling so low.