Firstly, apologies, this is long post! This is my birth story (I gave birth 3 weeks ago)and am looking for anyone who has had a similar experience or who has had an episotomy cut (into their bum cheek) as I am feeling a bit like 'it only happened to me' and I think hearing from others that it has happened to will help the healing process for me and re-asssure me that I can go on to have another baby in the future as at the moment I can't even consider it which makes me really sad

So.....I had a sweep on the Tues morning and had period type pains all day and same Wednesday.

Thursday - Pains started to get worse around 6.30pm after dinner. Called hosp and told us to come in to be checked over, put on monitor and had five contractions in around 30 mins. They checked me internally and said I was 4cm so sent us home to get all the bags etc and head back in about an hour....

Got home, had shower and packed bags in car, contractions now 5 mins apart, made way back to hospital about 9.30pm and told to go for a long walk around hosp to get things moving more. By midnight contractions were coming every 4 mins. Nothing progressed so they sent me home at 1am. Went back to bed just waking up for contractions and breathing through them.

Friday
Spent all day at home having mild contractions and after dinner contractions started getting more painful so breathed through them, keeping in contact with hosp, had a bath etc and at around 1.30am I knew I couldn't take any more pain and needed some gas and air.

Saturday morning (early hours)
Headed back to hospital just before 2am and went straight to triage where I had gas and air......not sure of the time but a short while later we went round to my delivery suite and they started to run the birthing pool for me which i was really chuffed about. I was now 5cm dilated.
Stayed in delivery suite for around an hour until pool was ready, on gas and air and listening to music and chatting with OH, I don't remember much about this but remember loving the gas and air!

Then went to birth pool room, got undressed and was in pool for a few hours, not sure now long for though. Pain got worse and worse and they said i could have a shot of pethadine but would have to get out of pool, pain was so bad i agreed. (Student MW also dropped her phone in the pool leaning over rubbing my tummy!) Another few hours went by with contractions coming and was told i was now 7cm (from this point i don't remember much at all, only bits of how i was feeling, so the following is mostly what OH has told me).......

After a few hours more of contractions I was examined by another MW who said the student who checked me in the pool was wrong about me being 7cm and was still only 5! The pethadine really wasn't cutting it by this point and i was apparently hysterical (i think this may be down to too much gas and air), i was crying my eyes and shouting to my OH, please just let me die, just make sure baby is ok, don't worry about me anymore, just save her and leave me to die. I was also begging for an epidural, something i never ever thought I would want! but i was convinced that all the staff knew i wouldn't make it and were trying to figure a way of saving my baby.

I got my epidural and from that point i was back in the land of the living and totally calm...living on a cloud!
We went back to the delivery suite and was put on monitor and a drip of some sort and was fully dilated by 4pm and told to push like hell on each contraction, pushing commenced, which felt very strange as you cant feel a thing, pushing went on for about two and a half hours but baby wasn't moving so they said i would need to go to theatre and have a ventouse, was taken into theatre but I was scared by the amount of people so kept my eyes shut.

They did an episiotomy and put the suction cup thing on babys head, then they told me to push like hell again like my life depended on it......next thing i remember is them telling me to open my eyes but i was scared and said no and then the MW shouted at me -OPEN YOUR EYES!!' so i did, and they had my beautiful girl right in front of my eyes and OH said the first thing i said was -it she definitely a girl!?' haha!! typical of me after all the pink stuff i had bought!..

They handed her to me for a quick cuddle and explained they were going to give her to her daddy whilst they stitched me up, OH said all he remembers then is panic...he was taken out of the room with my daughter and he said there was blood absolutely everywhere, he said it looked like a bloodbath. I remember a man sit down next to me and put a needle in my hand.....I was told after i had lost 1100 mls of blood and needed a blood transfusion.....after what seemed like ages been stitched up, poked and prodded, they took me into a side room for a bit, handed my little girl to me before wheeling me back up to my delivery suite where i spent my first night. They treated me so well, i remember them popping in all the time to check on me, the pain was unbearable as the epidural eased off, they put ice packs in between my bum cheeks to ease the pain and swelling and put suppository pain killers up my bum (how glamourous!).

Sunday morning
Had catheter out and had a bath and was taken up to the ward where i stayed until Tuesday evening, was in a coma like state all of this time because of all the drugs and pain killers, i remember the drips in both my hands being so sore and tender but don't remember much else although i remember being checked on and MW coming in quite a few times a day to get the colostrum from my nipples to feed baby with....one young MW had long plastic false nails......so she ruined every hope of me breastfeeding as she has cut my nipples to shreds so my daughter is on formula......

It's three weeks on now and I still have blanks that need to be filled from the labour, I am definitely going to speak to the hospital about it all and my episiotomoy scar has had two infections and is finally healing. The pain and discomfort from this along with everything else, I feel stopped me from being the best mum that I could those first few days in hospital and I feel so guilty about it...it's makes me cry most days because I feel I have so much making up to do to my beautiful little girl....i am so worried and scared that i let her down....

Firstly lovely lady, you haven't let your daughter down, you got her into the world safely and that was your main aim. Please, please don't put pressure on yourself about anything, get through any way you can building your strength up and in time you'll be back on full power. DON'T for Gods sake beat yourself up about the breast feeding either, the priority is your child is fed.

I'll tell you about my experience. I was induced 4 days overdue because of high BP, they were also concerned I could be possibly developing HELLP which is another pregnancy condition but in the end I wasn't. I had a gel at 7pm, and left to it for the night, another one in the morning and another late morning and then waters broken at 2pm. The main nightmare was I had 3 canulers in my hands (and they bloody hurt!!) and the baby heart rate monitors and a BP cuff and was pretty much tied to the bed. They the wanted to monitor my pee but I had to pee in a jug, not dignified. Its all a blur for me to, I had 2 half doses of pethidine which slowed it all down. At the end my legs were in stirrups, I'd gone numb and lost all contractions, I was so distraught I kept a flannel over my eyes and didn't want my hubby to touch me. I had an episiotomy to (though no problems) and forceps which fecking hurt!!! By the time they plonked my boy on my chest I was not on this planet, he got whisked off and later I found out I had a retained placenta which I needed to go to theatre for to have removed manually. I to lost a lot of blood, 1700 mls, and was in surgery for 2 hours while they tried to repair me. I have since suffered a uterine prolapse which isn't nice so please, I reccommend you do your pelvic floors when you're up to it. I was stuck in for 4 days and had 4 units of blood. All the trauma affected my bond and I developed serious PND with suicidal tendacies.

I beg you lovely lady, please tell someone how you're feeling, the HV, doctor, midwife, so that they can address your mood firstly, theres no need to suffer at all. Then when things are a little calmer contact the hospital or ask through your doctors/MW if they have an after birth service so that someone can talk through your labour with you and put those lost memories back. I didn't do it and deeply regret it, I've since moved 200 miles away so its not so easy, plus the hospital are rude and unhelpful.

I think you are like I was, bewildered because of the gaps, angry that it was traumatic, and feeling low and tearful. Be gentle with yourself and please keep talking to those that care, talking through mine with friends helped but I wish I had spoken up more to a professional. It took me over 6 months to feel properly bonded with my boy and I know it didn't have to be like that.

But I will leave you with this, today I am sat watching my little (almost) 2 year old play footy with his Dad in the garden and didn't think it was possible to love him this much. I am also 40 weeks pregnant today with a little girl awaiting her arrival, so even after everything, I reached a point where I was ready to have a another baby. Thankfully the hospital where I will be having her are amazing and I'm very vocal about my worries and concerns and have been supported.

Big hugs xxx

Hi Sarah,
Just read your post and didn't want to read and run... like malkymum says... you need to talk about your experience if you can. I too had a traumatic birth and have only just come to terms with what happened, and it has taken hubby 4 years to convince & reassure me enough to have another. I am absolutely dreading the birth already!!! You certainly do not have any ''making up to do'' to your little lady, you should not feel ashamed at all of what happened, it was out of your control! You just concentrate on getting yourself 100% again, and continue to be a fantastic mummy!
Sending you lots of love & hugs xxx

hi sarah

your story sounds a bit similar to mine although i did not have the big blood loss. My baby was back to back and tilted, im very petite with a small bump but he was actually 8 pounds 13 so was packed in and got stuck in a funny position. Like you, it took me a long time to establish in labour because despite very painful contractions they werent very efficient as his head was not pressing down on the cervix properly due to position. This sounds likely for you too as you had lots of pain - with very little progress. I wanted a water birth at the birth centre but after 48 hours of pains i was exhausted and cervix was only half a centemetre dilated. I was given a sweep which made my waters go (waters often go before established labour where the baby's posiiton is not right) not sure if this happened to you. After my waters went, i had whacking contractions one after another with no let up. They took my breath away and the fear hit me like a train. I felt like i would do ANYTHING to stop feeling like that. Ive worked with labouring women for 8 years and thought id be able to reason with myself but i couldnt, i was so scared. At this point i was back home but had been told i was only half a centemetre an hour before, so i knew, being my first baby, i had a long way to go and felt like a total failure. I went to the consultant unit as i felt desperate for an epidural and so ashamed i couldnt head to the birth centre. When i got there i was 3cm and wanting to push (due to position) so they thought i was delivering. If i hadnt had the epidural i would have pushed for the rest of the labour, making my cervix swell up and would have needed a caesarean. Besides which, i was begging for it!

Water birth is all very well with straight forward labour - but where baby's are in the wrong posiiton and/or progress is slow, a human being can only take so much and thats what epidurals and stronger pain relief are for. I can see how people end up with post traumatic stress and depression etc but i was lucky, i had good care, i waited 3 hours for an epidural and a further 3 for it to be resited as the first one didnt work but i agree with you - they're totally amazing. A lot of my memories are blurry beforehand too and i think had i had to go to advanced labour like you i would have felt like i was dying. Its all very well where labour is 7 hours from start to finish but we began labour exhausted from days of pain and then had the disappointment of not progressing and complications added to it all. Like you, my epidural worked well and so i couldnt push - i had a ventouse and a wicked episiotomy. For 5 days i felt like everytime i stood up id left my bits behind! I was swollen and black right down one bum cheek and i didnt know when i needed to wee or poo - i just had to go to the toilet and push down. Im 6 weeks postnatal and am only just feeling normal again but have not tried to have sex yet, not sure when that will be happening!!!

I did not have the complication of excessive blood loss that you had, nor did i have to stay on a busy ward. as i had no medical complications, i was expected to go home. I felt like death after 3 nights of no sleep, was puffed up with swelling, couldnt sit down and my mouth had swollen up due to alergic reaction to gas and air mouth piece! my baby was angry too as sore from ventouse and had never fed, just cried continually. We hadnt bonded when i left, it sounds awful but was so tired just felt irritated with him, i was so emotional and he obviously felt rough too. Thank god my area had al lovely birth centre to go to. I stayed for 5 nights, when i arrived they took henry for two hours - we both calmed down and slept - when they brought him back he had his first breast feed at 17 hours old (im sure because i was calmer). He slept for 5 hours in his cot, they helped me feed him again, then we had another 5 hours. In the morning i had a lovely lavender bath - it was so quiet, calm and such a lovely atmosphere. I felt nursed back to life and ready to be a mummy. They helped me work through my feelings of disappointment - i somehow felt i wasnt brave enough - even though the odds were stacked against me and i did the only thing i could do. Physically, the episiotomy was a huge shock - had i gone home feeling so physically and emotionally low with a demanding, tired baby i dont think i would have fed him myself or fallen for him so quickly (during that first feed i felt myself start to bond with him). After this he was a good baby, feeding and going in his cot. I had guilt issues that aside from feeds i didnt cuddle him much but he learnt to be a good boy going down and six weeks on thats invaluable to us.

Besides which, henry was sleeping and eating and not very aware of much - he had very little awake time. We were both healing and i dont think you need to worry about those early days while you were so poorly - you were doing the best you could to recover and your baby had her nappies done and got fed, thats what she needed then. even if you cant remember it, the midwives would have made sure she had her physical needs taken care of. I am totally with you on the shock of an episotomy though - the only thing that would put me off a wonderful epidural again is the thought i might not be able to push, and could end up with that trauma down there again!

I got very stuck on my own birth afterwards (and i know it wasnt as awful as yours) but the midwives at the birth center had the time to talk me throgh it, many of them were my friends too which helped and i really feel ive laid it to rest. I needed help in those first days as a mummy as id really been through it and thats ok. My baby had lots of sleep, was kept clean and fed and thats all he needed. The birth and the immediate aftermath is not really what matters...its being a mummy in the longterm. I think its great you've written things down on here - i did and it helped. You should also think about contacting the hospital so they can fill in some of the blanks for you. You care so much about your little girl, thats obvious or else you wouldnt be worried about the effect things might have had on her but i think your fears are unfounded. You suffered a physical and emotional trauma (yes, it does happen to other people but that doesnt lessen the suffering for you) and you needed to be looked after a bit afterwards - thats ok. Be kind to yourself now as it will make you a better mummy if you can come to terms with it all. Sounds like you are already working through your emotions which is the start. At only 3 weeks post birth you will still be in a sleep deprived haze and that makes all the emotions harder to deal with. At 6 weeks, i feel so much stronger, my lo only woke at 1am, 0440 and 0730 last night and, even though broken sleep would have killed me before, i feel like a new woman in comparison to 3 weeks ago. I got my son into this world, we're both ok, he's more of a little person now smiling and cooing at me - he doesnt remember the first week and its fading in intensity for me. Physically, my stiches feel ten times better, ive lost a stone in fluid and some days we manage coffee with friends etc, life will never be the same "normal" again but we are getting used to a new normal and i love being a mummy. The same will be true for you, give things a bit more time, have lie ins in the morning, nap rather than do housework wherever possible and let people help you. Sleep is the big key to feeling better as well. Sorry for the ramble, hope ive helped a bit. xx

Hiya, I just wanted to say I too had to get taken to theatre as ds failed to progress in the second stage. I had a forcep delivery and I also lost a lot of blood - 1300ml and ended up with a episiotemy (which I didn't realise for a couple of days is cut at an angle and not straight!!!). I too had an infection on my stitches and that was painful but I didn't really realise because I thought I was meant to hurt, after all I'd just given birth.

Anyway, that was last November. And I'm about to do it all again as I'm 14 weeks gone with my second. For me the delivery was perfect, what mattered most was getting ds out in one piece and that's all that mattered. I healed, you will too although it may be sore for a while. Try and speak to your hospital about 'Birth Afterthoughts' where midwifes come and see you and go through about your birth and can fill in all the blanks. Also, speak to your doctor about pnd; a friend of mine really struggled with her delivery because she felt she wasn't in control of it or did as well as she thought she could have done. It really surprised me because normally she's so level-headed but quite competitive so I think because she had to have help she felt she wasn't 'strong' enough or something. But whatever you do, speak with someone frankly about it all. It will make it easier to realise what you have been through has been traumatic but it's over and you are now a mummy xx