completely traumatised

7 messages

H2TAandbeanie Platinum member

19/05/2012 at 23:14

Hi everyone, I had my son 15 months ago and havent really written down what happened to me or how I feel about it, so thought I could share it here as im still feeling traumatised about what happened to me and im so scared to think about another pregnancy ever again. I had a pretty traumatic start to my pregnancy until about 13 weeks and then everything was fine from there. I went into labour naturally at 37 weeks and had a really slow latent phase which was over 12 hours, by the time I came to push it took 2 hours and my NHS board have a strict no pushing after 2 hours so the consultant came rushing in and told me I was having forceps which I begged not to have, my babies head was visible and I was pretty sure if they just let me go on a bit longer he would be out but no, they wouldnt let me. However once my baby was out there was a flurry of worried faces and activity at the bottom of the bed.. a surgeon came in and advised me that he needed to examine me, I had no idea what was going on as I had an epidural and was completely numb. They eventually told me that the forceps had torn me not just at the episiotomy site but right through vertically and laterally into my rectum. I didnt really know how bad it was as they said they would need to asses the damage and then hopefully just stitch me up however it got much worse from there, my placenta didnt desend so they whisked me into surgery to remove this by hand and then stitched my episiotomy up but had to leave the other damage all night until they could give me an MRI the morning after. I lay all night with my hubby and new baby crying as I didnt know what was going to happen to me. I was taken away from my baby the next day to a different hospital and scanned in the MRI, to be met by a surgeon who told me that I needed to have surgery to either repair the damage done or not only repair the damage but also close of my bowel and put a loop colostomy bag on my stomach for at least 6 months until my rectum healed they told me I was scheduled for surgery that afternoon and I was admitted to a surgical ward away from my baby who was in the maternity hospital by himself being looked after by the midwives, we called my husbands parents and my mum to come and be with him (they gave him his first bath without me, this still really hurts me when I think about it) while I was waiting for my surgery the maternity hospital thought it would be a good idea to discharge my baby to my ward (where there were no midwives who were supposed to be monitoring him for 24 hours) so he could be with me.. whoever made this decision did not tell anyone so no one knew where my baby was!! he was with me and my husband but under no proper conditions. I went down for my surgery to be told as I was being put to sleep that they were going with option 2 to put a colostomy bag on my stomach.. I was distraught. I woke up in recovery and taken back to my room where my husband was with my baby, I was really groggy and in a lot of pain. at 1 am a midwife came into my room and woke me up telling me I had no right to have my baby at the ward with me and that she was taking him away back to the maternity hospital! I hadnt taken him there, the midwife during the day had but with no authorisation! we had no idea what was going on. So not only was I a new mum, I had no post natal support and had just had the most awful of surgery done to me. I was in the hospital for 11 days.. I begged the day after my surgery to be transferred back to the maternity hospital where my son was as I was missing him so badly, I had only spent a few small hours with him since he had been born and it was day 3 before we were re united. I had to keep my colostomy bag on for 3-6 months.. 3 months turned into 4,5,6 and by the 7th month I was going mad so we went private and had it reversed, it wa

MyBs

20/05/2012 at 09:19

Hi, I really feel for you. I thought my experience with my son was close to traumatic but that was nothing compared to what you've been through. While I was reading your post my eyes were welling up. Its so horrible and makes me angry that (however nice they seem at the time) the staff ALWAYS take advantage of you if its your first baby. I understand about the policy of no pushing past 2 hours, but if you'd had a baby before and said "no, I'm pushing" theres have shut up. Because they think you don't know whats going on they can scaremonger you ny saying its "best for baby". And as for what happened with your son afterwards, I find that disgusting! The staff on that ward should have been looked into after that happened. Sorry to rant, out just makes me so angry how first time mothers are often manipulated. Althoug my experience was nowhere near as bad as yours, I can understand a little how you feel. Just understand that no 2 labours are the same (mine certainly weren't!) and theres every chance you woulda have a straightforward, ready labour next time round. You would also be well within your rights to ask for a c-section if thats what you wanted. I know it sounds a little trivial, but I couldn't bring myself to have sex or even use a tampon a for a year aftet the birth of my son. I hope getting it out had helped you a little, and hope that one day you feel well enough to have another baby if thats what you want. All the best xx

MyBs

20/05/2012 at 09:22

That should say straightforward EASY labour, not ready!

KazzieM

20/05/2012 at 13:59

Oh Hon, I feel for you. When DD1 was born I was pushing for just over 2hrs with the MW determined I wasn't going to have forceps for my 1st baby memories putting it down to my fatigue of labouring for 49hrs. I didn't have an episiotimy but did tear naturally with a 3rd degree tear & lost a lot of blood (although I didn't actually learn just how bad this was until going through my notes after conceiving DD2).

Every pregnancy & birth is different. I had no symptoms at all with DD1 except fluid retention during 3rd trimester. With DD2 I bled until wk15 when it all suddenly stopped & baby movements started. I was in early labour with DD2 for 10days but felt more in control this time around as I knew what I was looking for with contractions (how close together & strong they needed to be before being 'established labour'), I knew that I may need assistance with my waters when I got to 8cm dilated & having a MW that I knew & who was aware of my history helped all the more. With DD2 my body took over once my waters broke & one big push after 29mins saw her fly out onto the bed, it was all so much easier/faster I somehow managed it painrelief free.

Talk through your medical notes with your GP/MW team to help you better understand what went right & what went wrong during the pregnancy, to help you prepare for what could happen if you were to fall pregnant again (ask the questions that cause you concern such as are you likely to tear again or would you need a c-sec). Having talked through your notes it may help you find some closure to what is in the past & better plan for your family's future. Best wishes.

oscar2

20/05/2012 at 20:14

hi H2TA and beanie

just wanted to post to tell you how sorry i am, no words to describe how unspeakably awful your experience must have made you felt. i work with women through pregnancy, labour and the postnatal period and to be honest, though lots of women go through a traumatic time, i havent heard many stories as bad as yours. you had some very bad luck which was also badly managed by staff - those early days are important for bonding and you and your baby getting to know each other, regardless of delivery and complications and the midwives and nurses bickering amongst themselves added unprofessionalism to the whole sorry mess. you must find it so hard to trust enough to have another baby. from what you've been through i would say its highly unlikely they will want to go for anything other than elective caesarean next time (although this might not be much comfort as im sure you will worry about any mode of delivery when cared for by such a bunch of monkeys!)

were there any other reasons for the forceps? as by 2 hours pushing, laid on your back (which would have been unavoidable with an epidural) your baby's heartrate probably wasnt great. it may have been that it was necessary but the kind of damage you sustained is rare and certainly needs investigating - plus if you didnt consent to something, there's no way on earth they should have done it. even in a stressful situation they should still explain their reasoning and get your approval.

i can't see the end of your story, but i hope the reversal went well and your bowel works ok now? none of this was your fault and anybody would have struggled coming to terms with it. maybe taking this further might help you find some peace and some confidence that lessons will be learnt. as a mum i can understand the heartbreak that missing out on some of the very early times with your LO has caused - but comfort yourself with the knowledge that your LO was unaware of this and that you are a fantastic mum x

emchip1983 Silver member

03/06/2012 at 19:09

i couldnt read and run, i can understand how you feel, my son is now 19months and its still all very raw, i ended up away from my son when he was 3 days old for four days and it was the longest of my life , i had suspected blood clot on my lung and was very ill. All i did was cry and cry. I really wanted to breastfeed but i couldnt due to how poorly i was. I already felt like id failed him as id had a emsc under general due to his heart dipping dangerously low. I can imagine how confused and up set you felt. Have you thought about counciling, with everything that happened to me i ended up with post natal depression. After seeking help im now starting to get over things. If ever you would like to talk feel free to message me x hope you have a lovely weekend x

piggypops

03/06/2012 at 21:18

oh my, what a trauma, i pushed fro three hours and after failed forcepts was given a section, reading your BS it seems thats what they should have done, have you seen a after birth counsellor at all? have you sought proffessional help in bringing the hospital to account for thier actions? these re two things that would certainly help you bring closure on things, i really hope you are recoevring well and that you are managing to bond with your baby x