Hi
I have recently been thinking about whether we should try for another baby. Matthew is just 2 now and i was thinking about starting trying at the end of the summer.
I had a really horrible labour, birth (eventual emer c-sec) and after experience with Matthew and I'm really worried about it all going wrong again. I know i could have an elective c-sec but I would really like to have a vbac cos i felt a bit like i 'failed' last time.
I'm really going round in circles at the moment trying to decide if we should aim to be a family of four (which was what we always wanted). I have suffered a bit with PND and i loose my temper quite easily sometimes with Matthew (I'm working on improving this!) So, I'm not sure if we should even have another one, if i could cope, if i'd get PND again etc etc. And then, if we do go for it, I'm worried the labour etc will all go disasterously wrong again.
I know none of you can make the decision for me, but i just wanted to write stuff down and wondered if anyone can offer any thoughts/experiences/advice.
Thanks and hope you're all ok
Juliette

Crikey. You had a bit of a rough time with your first lo didn't you. Firstly I'm not speaking from experience cos I've only got 1 lo and have no intention of having any more but it just struck me that you've focused on the bad things. I thought you might appreciate an outsiders point of view. Here goes...
1. You didn't fail by having an emer c-sec, you saved you and your lo's life.
2. No 2 labours are the same.
3. With your past history of dificult labour and PND you should get better care next time around.
4. I don't know any Mum that doesn't loose her temper a bit more quickly than they'd like sometimes and at least you care enough to try and change.
5. You have always wanted more children.. would you regret not trying?
6. From the smile on your Los face in your picture you are a better Mum than you give yourself credit for.
You're right, no-one can make this decision for you but I just wanted to give you a different perspective on things. Talk things through with your OH and maybe even your GP or HV and get some different angles. Good luck.

Hi! Well i've just had number three and as they say all labours are different. You did not fail having a c-section...you are doing the most important job and thats bringing up a happy 2yr old. I found the family dynamics really change from 1 to 2 not so much to 3 (so far)
As for the PND i had it with no1 but not with no2 or no3...you know what to look out for if you did have another. Also i think i had situations that helped the pnd develop so made sure they were not there for future babies.....made sure go out for walks etc etc. We all loose our tempers as long as you know it happening and walk away its not a problem. Also if you were to fall pg in the summer Matthew would be 3 by the time you had the baby so you would be entitled to some free nursery care then you would have some time for just you and baby.
At the end of the day as you say you and your dh are the only ones that can make the choice....Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Hi Juliette
you need to relax about the whole situation. You seem really worried and tense and i'd be suprised if you concieved whilst your feeling like this anyway, nature is clever!
All the advice I can give you is, if you have so many doubts, just wait. I'm sure there is plenty of time for you, at the end of the day I believe everything happens for a reason. As Nesselis said above, no two labours are the same but if you have the attitude that it might be bad like the first time then its more likely it will be, you have to be open and positive about these kind of things or you'll just make yourself ill. Plus PND doesnt happen to everyone, and theres a chance you definantly wont get it this time round.
But as you said you lose your temper easily with your LO then I would advise you to wait for another baby, cos life will be alot harder with a newborn aswell and I think you need to carry on working on your anger like you said before you consider having another or you might just make yourself ill and then probably be more at risk to develop PND.
But only you knows whats right, just dont plan or expect anything from life because you will just be disapointed if anything goes wrong. Try to be optimistic and take each step as it comes dont worry about something that hasnt happened yet and wont for a while!
xx

Hi Juliette Hope you are good, just ordered our Bumgenius nappies today coz of nappy week they had 20% discount so save ??60.00 bought 20 hope they are good. I think you should try and forget what you went through with Matthew and go with your gutt feelings, do you really want another baby, if so they good luck and go for it.

22+6

Hi Juliette, you are not a failure jsut because you had a c-sec. All labours and births are different, I think you should speak to your gp and see if you can see a consultant to see what the reasons were for you ending up with the emergency section, talk through your fears. I cant comment on the c section as I have never had one but I would say that all births are completely different, Jacobs labour was long and drawn out but not particularly awful, Megs was quick but horrible as she was 10lb 12oz and she got stuck, I also ended up with really bad pnd after she was born. Alices was fairly easy and Isaacs was a total breeze. They are all different.
As for the pnd, like you I was really worried that I would get it again, but I think with the next one you are far more aware of the early signs so would pick up on it sooner, before it became a real problem, also you may not even get it at all, I didnt get it again despite all my worries.

I wouldnt worry too much about being short tempered, we all are at times and I think that we tend to focus on our negative points and remember the times we have been wrong. If you really think about it I'm sure the good things you do and the times you are patient far outweigh the others.

Sorry for the waffle, really hope you make your decision

Hayley xxx

Hi Juliette,

As others have said, you're definitely not a failure, you ensured your little boy was born safely.

I have 2 boys, Jacob (2 years) and Noah (15 weeks). I had an awful labour with Jacob, lasting 37 hours. I tried for a home birth but transferred in when I was fully dilated as he was stuck. The contractions were truly horrendous, absolutely agonising. He ended up being delivered by ventouse and forceps but I was in theatre and prepped for a c-section - it was only because I had a very skilled person using the ventouse and forceps that I had a vaginal delivery.

I was scared coming up to Noah's birth, more so than with Jacob's after having such a rough time. It was totally different though, much quicker, and the contractions felt different, not like I was being tortured, thank God! I had mild contractions overnight, but only a couple of hours of stronger ones before he was born. I just used TENS. Most people I've heard from had a better time of it second time round too. Although your baby wasn't delivered vaginally your body still went through labour, so it will be a lot more geared up for birth than first time round.

I was concerned about not coping with 2, as I found it tricky to keep my patience with Jacob sometimes, but I really do think all mothers feel like that - no-one can wind us up like our children! So far it's been OK - the first few weeks were pretty tricky (I'm not good with sleep deprivation!) but once Noah started sleeping through the night and got into a rough routine it was much better.

It may help you to go through your labour notes with a midwife - I did this after I had Jacob, and found it helped me. It made me realise what I had achieved although the birth hadn't gone how I'd hoped - I felt I hadn't experienced everything and was a bit of a failure as I didn't feel him come out (I had an epidural by that point).

I hope you can both come to a decision you're happy with. God bless xx

Hi Juliette..
I'm in exactly the same predicment as you...I think I want another baby, I know my husband does and would love Ruby to have a brother or sister.

I'm just so scared after what I have been through with the first pregnancy and labour...having preclamsia, help syndrome, an induction and then finally an emergency section. I was in hospital for 4 weeks before and just over a week after the birth, I found it all very hard especially to bond with Ruby (as she wouldn't breast feed either) like you I felt a failure..I don't think I really bonded until I got home and then fell in love with her!!

I too don't know if I could cope looking after Ruby and going through a bad pregnancy again, i haven't lost all my baby weight and hopefully that will help if I can lose some more weight and get fitter!!

Sorry I can't help...as I'm confused myself but i find relief in your mail, just to feel like i'm not alone in feeling like this.

Debs x

Ladies
Thank you all so so so much for your kind and considerate replies :\)
It has been helpful to just write it down, and then to read all the supportive comments has been great.
I now know that i will talk to my HV (she's really nice) if we decide to go for it, and i will ask for the notes so we can go through them. I think we will probably go for it in a few months, and until then I will continue to work on feeling more positive as a mum and on controlling my patience and temper with Matthew.
It's so helpful to know that I'm not the only one who gets wound up/cross, and also not the only one who didn't have that bond/love with their baby straight away and felt feelings of 'failure'.
I'll post in TTC if we decide to try for another in a few months....
Thanks again ;\)

HI Juliette
sounds good, hope things go well for you. Just thought i'd say too, I never officially told myself that we were 'trying' because I knew that if I didn't concieve within a few months I would worry and feel like something was wrong, so we just took things as each day came and I thought to myself well if it happens it happens, it did take a long time too so that was the best way for me. I got pregnant quickly first time round and second time it took 12 months nearly so in advance just thought I'd tell you don't worry if it doesnt happen for a while. x

I'm also worried about having another baby. I'm worried how I will cope, although my pregnancy and birth were great, i have concerns at home, my husband runs his own business and works all day and returns home late. When my daughter was really young I struggled on my own 6 days a week but I'd really like a brother or sister for her. We also need to move house as we haven't got room for another, Should i wait to start trying or would i just keep finding other excuses to wait and be too scared to go for it, even though I know another baby is what I really want?
How do feel you cope having a second child? and how much support were/are you given?