Hi guys, i just wanted to start a thread about pnd as i think it is highly underrated on this site and i think it would be good to chat to other mums with it. My name is Diane and my little girl is almost 14 weeks old. I was diagonsed with pnd a couple of months ago and im on antidepressants for it. I feel much better now but at the start i felt so guilty because i didnt feel "NORMAL". I would love to catch up with anyone who has suffered or is suffering with this as i find a good chat can help. xxx

hi diane. my names penny and i ahve 5 kids - 8, 7, 4, 2 and half and archie who is 7 months. i have suffered from it after all 5 of my babies. after my 3rd was the worse. the biggest thing to helping yourself get over it is to accept that you have got it in the first place. thats what i found hard as i didn't want people thinking i was a mental case and couldn't look after my kids. but this was just the point . my kids are always immaculatly turned out and always at school on time, and all my friends always comment that they don't know how i do it with 5 kids. but i do. but secretly inside i am screaming HELP ME!!!! it's just me that suffers and my kids and hubby are all ok. i get no time to my self not a minute. even my baths are a rushed job. thats what gets me down. somedays are better than others. i have never taken anti depressants but have been given them by the doc. i just couldn't bring myself to put it in my mouth, so i ahve always struggled to egt rid of it. but in the ned i have, i still feel down now 7 months after having my 5th baby but still have that shadow over me and stigma that i have chosen to have 5 kids so just go get on with it.
sorry to rant on but i feel better for getting that off my chest.xxxx

How can you tell if you are suffering with pnd and not just down?
I've been unable to pick myself up since Maddie was born nearly 6 months ago and keep thinking about seeing the doc but then i have a couple of days where things seem normal again so decide to leave it.
With pnd is everyday bad?
Sorry to ask hope you don't mind, i keep telling myself that it definately can't be but some of how i feel just oh i don't know how to explain really sometimes i just feel wrong.
Hope that makes some sense and i don't just sound like a complete looney, i don't know anyone who has had pnd but i did suffer with depression when i was younger and the hv mentioned it when i was first out of hospital but i am not good with talking about how i feel so slapped a smile on my face and got on with it (i find chatting like this so much easier because no-one knows me).
Don't know if i could sit and tell gp everything.
Any advise would be great.

Hi Pen and Sillymoo, Pen im sorry to hear you have suffered with this with all 5 babies. Its hard work being a mum without the extra pressure of pnd.
Sillymoo i do have good days and bad days. I know when i get up in the morning what its going to be as i hate getting out of bed when Ellie is looking up. Thats a bad day, it just keeps getting worse. I dont hate doing things for her i just find everything much more of a struggle. I feel like its a hard job doing everything and cant wait till hubby gets home so he can take over. Pen like you, Ellie is always immaculate and is never dirty or grubby, she is a picture every day in a dress or whatever. I never have her just in a babygro, its as though if i keep her dolled up then people wont suspect me of having pnd. I didnt tell my mum or family as they are the type that would tell you not to be stupid and just to get on with it. OH has been good lately and doing more to help.
I also found it hard telling my gp, HV still dosnt know! At first they told me to do something every day away from the baby so i started walking and found that made things worse as i couldnt wait for hubby to come home so i could leave. It got so bad that one morning Ellie was crying before hubby left for work and he asked was i not going to get her and i just screamed that i was bloody tired and cant he do it. He said no as he was going to work and i just sat on the floor and cried for an hour. I then realised i needed help. I didnt want my gp thinking i was a bad mum but he was great. He explained that so many people go on with pnd and dont face it and that is harder to cope with. I am now on antidepressants but i feel so much better. Saying that i did start to cut down on them and i noticed within a week that i was going back to not sleeping and being narky with oh and not wanting to be around my baby. I am back taking them every day again but i do hope to cut down again soon.
Its so nice to chat openly about it as hubby is good now but wasnt at the start and as i said my family wouldnt understand.
Pen and Sillymoo im here if you ever want a chat or just to let off steam. xxx
Sorry, i just realised how long that was. x

Thanks that helps, it's not as if I'm afraid of hurting myself or Maddie I just have these htoughts like what if i dropped her and she banged her head or if i don't pick her up right and hurt her, to begin with i thought it would go as i gained confidence but it hasn't. OH isn't really a believer of depression if you know what i mean and my mum was so concerned at the start when the hv mentioned it that i have nevre really said anything again.
Even when Maddie is sleeping well i don't, i am really off with oh alot of the time and sometimes i just have to go somewhere and have a good cry.
Like both of you Maddie is always well dressed and spotless.
I'm just not sure what to do as i don't feel i can talk to anyone about it.
I'm scared of going on antidepressants again as i don't like feeling i'm not in control.
I am lucky that i have a lot of help, i had a stressful pregnancy and labour was not as expected (C section) and then i had to go back to work (mornings only) after 3 weeks as i am self employed, in a way working has helped as it gives me some time away, i hope that doesn't make me sound like a bad mother!
Your advice is greatfully received.
xx

hey, ive had pnd for a gd couple of months now and i go through periods of being happy and talkative and other times i dont even bother getting dressed or bother eating, usually on my bad days ill leave the curtains in my house shut and sit on the couch and watch tv in the dark and try my best to interact with my lo but sometimes it gets too hard. the past couple of weeks has been the worse, my oh has had to chase me down the street a couple of times because ive got so low and grabbed a load of painkillers and ran out the front door. i feel sorry for him and for my lo because i used to be such a happy outgoing person, now im a bundle of nerves.
ive had depression since i was 14 and self harmed up until 16 when i was hospitalized and then things got better gradually after that but since becomming pregnant ive gone downhill again.
im a really self destructive person, i purposely piss people off so they will fall out with me (i know that sounds crazy) and even recently told my dad i didnt want to come to his wedding just to punish myself. since having my lo ive started smoking and smoke alot (20-30) a day and i know i only do it as some sort of self harm because i phsyically couldnt hurt myself (i dont know why, believe me ive tried)
i wish i could be happy again as pnd has ruined the best days of my life, i was looking forward to having sam so much and it feels like everythings been taken from me, i really hate my life right now, i hope things get better because i really, really dont want to end up doing something stupid as when i get really low i lose the ability to think rationally. im on anti dps and speaking 2 a psychiatrist but i know it will take a while for me to get better
sorry if this is so long xx

i was just about to leave a post, but my twins girls have decided to wake up, they are teething and its a nightmare................
i understand how everyone is feeling, my twins are nearly 5 months old, and i have felt depressed since the day they were born, i will write more when i have time...
marsha

Hi Emilie, you poor thing! I really feel for you as i know how you feel. Its so hard being a mum and i find that everyone thinks im perfect and the ideal mother as Ellie is so well cared for but sometimes on my bad days i just be glad that someone has called to the house so they can take her away from me. Im sure that sounds awful but its such a relief when i can just sit and relax. My mum thinks everything is honkydory but if i told her how i really felt she would be the type that would tell me to pick myself up and get on with it but as im sure you all know it isnt that easy.
Emilie im here if you ever need to talk or blow off steam or just for a good cry. Its bloody hard when my oh dosnt understand and he has been so patient but somedays he just sighs as if he has had enough and im terrified that he hates me and thinks im a bad mother but when im angry or annoyed i nearly want him to think this so he will help me. I know im waffleing but i just cant put down in words how i feel.
Sorry for the long post. x

ok, so i finally get a spare minute to add to this post.
my name is marsha, i'm a mum of twin girls who are 20 weeks old, and were born 8 wks early and spent 5 wks in special care. i found my pregnacy really hard, i had given up work before i felt pregant due to the fact i was on a visa to get married here as i am australian and i wasnt allowed to work for 6 months. a month before the wedding we found out i was pregant, and walked down the isle at 9 wks. i found every day a struggle, i constantly felt sick and not being able to work was getting me down. by the time i got my new visa i was heavly pregant and my old company would only take me on part time. so i had a think about it, i went for my 20wk scan and i found out i was having twins..................... it was a shock, so there was no way i could go back to work, it was already a struggle to walk. i hated the fact that i didnt really get out much as i couldnt stop being sick to feel like getting anywhere. when the girls were born at 32wks, after i had a scare at 27wks and again at 30wks, i felt so guilty. i felt like it was all my fault, i found it hard to bound with them. my husband wanted to keep going up to the special care unit to see them when he came to visit me in hospital, but deep down inside i didnt. i knew it was wrong to think like that, but i just couldnt help it. i kept telling myself its just my hormones, you'll get over it and it will all be ok. spending 5 wks with the girls in special care, just made me feel worse, with the nurses constantly telling me i should breast feed dont bottle. i found it hard to feel like a mum, when nurses were telling me how to care for them and whats best, and was limited to hugs. it broke my heart to have them in there, and i still blame myself every day. i cope each day because i have to, my family live in australia, so i only have the other half family. they help out a bit, but it feels like to me they try to take over.
i used to like spending time with my husbands family, but i dread every time the door bell goes or my phone rings. i am tired of people telling me it must be hard work having twins, its like a kick in the face, cos when i think i am going well its like they are insulting me, like they think i cant do it. my girls are always dressed up, dresses stockings the lot, i hardly ever dress them down. it makes me feel happy, cos i dont get alot of time to spend on me. some days it 5pm and i havent had time for a shower or felt like one. i never really get to see my friends and i feel like half the time they are advoiding me. i feel like a show and tell story everytime i go out, so it just makes me want to stay in, then i stay in and i feel locked away and it makes me feel worse. i have good days and bad days, i might go a week were i dont cry, its hard but i get on, then other days i will lay on the sofa with my girls crying my eyes out. i didnt want to tell anyone until i knew i could admit to myself their was a problem. i told my health visitor and she said go see ur gp, which i was already one step in head of her, as i had boked the appointment one morning, i didnt know what i was doing i just for some reason picked up the phone and rang the surergy and said i need to see my doctor. it was hard telling my doctor but he said he had half expected me to come in and break down. as he is a twin father and knows what its like.
i didnt want to go on tablets, my mum had pnd, when she had her last son in her 40's, so i knew what it was like seeing her go through with it. i have agreed to see someone this week to talk to them about my pnd, and go from there with a consoulling session a week. then if that doesnt work i might give the tablets a try. my hasband is great, he has helped alot, but he works long days and sometimes 7 days a week as he runs his own company. i'm in need of a big break but i hate asking people as i think they will think i cant cope, and its not that, i cope fine with the girls, its just my mind................
when i do give in for a few hours or so to let my mother in law look after them, i come back in a worse mood as she doesnt do any thing my way. i have a routine for feeding as i have to, to be able to have a normal life, and when i get back i find they are finding at weird times or she has done this cos she wants or done that cos she flet like it. and i sit there thinking am i just a shit mum or what.
this is helping me talking about it, but its also upsetting me, as this is the first time apart from the doctors and a little bit to my husband that i have really opened up about this.
sorry for a rather long post.

marsha

Hi Marsha, dont be sorry for the post, you needed to get it off your chest. First of all can i say how well it sounds like your copeing? You sound like a great mother. As for the girls being born early you cant blame yourself as most twins dont go anywhere near full term. Im sure your girls are beautiful in their dresses and tights.
As for your mother in law i would tell her that if she is to take the girls she must stick to your routine or she is only making it harder for you. She is trying to be nice looking after them for a while but shes also being selfish not keeping them the way you would. Try telling her that its not giving you a break if she knocks them out of their routine as its harder to get them back into it again.
Has any of your family been over to visit from the twins were born? could you go home with them for a holiday?
I also find it hard to get to the shower before my hubby comes home as i hate leaving my lo and when i do she normally crys and then i end up more stressed than before and i find its not worth the hassle till the evening.
When are you going to see a councellor?

Having a really shit day today, had bad headache again 3 days now and can't stop sniping at oh, he has no idea what he has done wrong but can't say anything without me taking it the wrong way, i feel like he is constantly critisizing (sp) me.
Reading everyones threads is really helpful and crilly i think you are doing really well with twins, i find 1 hard enough, i'm sure you are a fantastic mother and i would tell your mil that you will only allow her to look after your girls if she does things your way, i made this clear to both my mum and mil as i wanted to do routine feeds.
Hope you are all having good days!

i have the councellor coming first thing today, not looking forward to it, i am really nervous. i do have a holiday booked to go back home to australia for three weeks at the end of march with my husband and the girls. but to be honest i could do without it, i am not looking forward to it at all. i dont look forward to any thing, we went out on saturday night with the girls, most mums would h ave loved to get out, i just hated having to be around people. i dont feel confident about myself anymore, yes i have lost all of my baby fat, but still i cant bare to look in the mirror. my mum came to visit me for three weeks when the girls were out of special care, it was a great help as she did everything how i wanted and i never had to ask her to change her ways. maybe i am just being critical of my mil, maybe its just my head. you think i am coping well ganzo, yes with the girls routine i am, but without that i am a pile of mess, i kind of hide behind it.
most run i think the counsellor is here

that was really hard, i got everything off my chest, and it really hurt. alot of it i had been bottling up and was to scare to admitt to myself that, that was how i felt. the counsellor said that i am extremly bad, in her word she said ' your really sick', which to me was like saying i have a cold, so it was weird it being phrased to me like that. she wants me to really think about taking the tablets, thinks that talking alone isnt enough and that i wont get better without doing both talking and taking the tablets. i was a mess when they left, i didnt know where to turn to, so i stood in my kitchen and just cried for ages. my husband rang and we chatted about it, and said he will be behind me 100% and i do what i feel is best, and if thats taking tablets then thats what it is. what hurt me the most, was the lady saying she could see that i wasnt enjoying my twins the way i should. that hurt, made me feel like a bad mum, i know i'm not, i know how she meant to say it, but why does my mind play tricks on me. i am a mess today, husband is going to get a sitter for us for a few hours this afternoon so i can get out with him for a bit when he gets back from meetings. i need it but part of me just wants to crawl up under the bed sheets.
sillymoo i know how you feel with you feeling like your husband is critersizing you. my husband will say something in the kind of context that sounds like having a go at me when it really is a retorical question and i bite his head off. i know he understands, but you can tell he feels really hurt by what i say... i just wish i could wake up and this feeling would be gone...

Hi Marsha and sillymoo, Im also having a bad day today. My head is splitting open and i feel crap. Hubby left this morning and shut the door so loudly he woke Ellie up and then we were up very early with Ellie crying due to tiredness! What the hell is wrong with him that he couldnt close the door easy???
Sorry, im just feeling shit and im tired and think im getting the cold and im going to shut up as im rabbiting on.
Marsha im glad you got your feelings out in the open today and im sure it was hard for you. I know it wont easy to go out tonight but maybe just you and your hubby together will be a nice change and you can relax. Are you going to start on the tablets? I have found they work for me but i know they arnt for everyone. When will you see the councellor again? xxx

hi, i havent been able to sign on until now, not sure if the site was down or if it was my pc.
ganzo i was in the same boat as you yesterday morning my hubby was down stair down paper work in the morning and had his phone is is pocket. i got woken up by him ring the house phone by mistake, and he woke the girls up to... was not happy, woke up with a massive head ache and then i had the counsellor was not a great start to the day.
i have the counsellor again next friday i am not looking forward to it. i dont want to take the tablets, my mum said do what i feel is right and so did my husband, he doesnt want me to take the tablets if i dont believe in taking them. i'm just going to give myself a few days to think.
i hope ur feeling better today ganzo

i finally did what was best for myself and my little ones and rang the doctor to ask for the tablets. it was hard but after a night of no sleep cos my mind wouldnt shut off, i had to do something. and the dreams the last few weeks , i keep dream me or my husband dies and we dont get to say goodbye, its horrible. i spent hours this morning telling myself that i didnt want to die, and i knew i had to do something i felt mad. i'm hoping that i'm at breaking point now and it will just get better from now on.

Hi Marsha, have you started the tablets yet? what did they put you on? I didnt want to use them either, it was like i was admitting i had a huge problem but i too reached breaking point and had to do something. I have had a good day so far today, Ellie is being a gem and sleeping most of the morning so i got all my bit and pieces done. How are you? did you and your hubby get out the other evening by yourselves? xxx

i wish that the hubby and i got out the other night but we didnt, mother in law decided she was busy. she can be a night mare at times...... i was meant to start the tablets this morning but i forgot to take them, i was told its best to take them at night as taking them at night can stop u sleeping or something along those lines. my main reason for not wanting to take them was due to in ever take headache tablets, there is tension you u fix it by getting fresh air, a class of water eat a better diet or having a lay down not cramming your body with tablets... so i guess i just kinda thought along the same lines to this, but its more serious so i guess tablets arent a bad thing. i too was scared of taking the tablets cos it means there is actually something wrong with me.
my days are ok until the hubby starts trying to be is happy bubbly self and it gets me down cos i cant be like that as hard as i try. so we end up having a slanging match for the sake of having one, when really we dont need to. its hard cos thats why i feel in love with ihm cos he is such a free spirt, but i just cant stand it at the moment. its like a kick in the face cos i cant be like it.
the gp has put me on fluoxetine, 1 tablet a day and see how i go.
i hope ur day is still going well.

Hi Marsha, thats the same tablets as mine. I am having a good day today as hubby is outside working around the house and Ellie is sitting looking at me but not crying or anything. I think she knows i am tired and she is being good for me.
Dont even get me started on mother in laws! Mine is the biggest pain in the backside! Ane she lives next door to us!!! NIGHTMARE!

ohhhh my god you poor thing having ur mother in law so close................................... i aused to get on with mine really well and i guess i still do, she just goes on my nerves sometimes..... her time keeping is so bad that if she keeps it up i will have to been rather blunt and i dont want to......