I cant cope anymore :(

14/01/2008 at 23:05
ive already posted a topic on what an arse my oh, i thought we had got better cus we were getting along better etc and then tonight happened. i have pnd and i cannot stand being left by myself with my lo, i dread every day knowing its coming and oh doesnt understand and it frustrates me as he can work from home if he wishes but he says going to work is his 'escape' from me and our lo. well tonight im shattered as i usually only get 1-3 hours sleep at nite as my oh refuses to look after our baby and when he went to bed tonight i asked "r u not putting sam in his cot?" and he said "no, ur lookin after him, i need sleep". it made me cry bcus i am so tired so i put sam in his cot upstairs and went back downstairs and slept on the couch hoping my oh wouldnt kick off. next thing i know sam is crying 5 mins later, my oh had brought him downstairs and stuck him in his bouncychair then went bk upstairs, closed the bedroom door and fell asleep! i then went and slept for an hour or so in the car (in the freezing cold, in my pjs) just for some peace as he chases me round the house with my lo trying to get me to take him so he can sleep all night. i went bk into my house and my lo is crying in his moses basket whch my oh had left in the hall landing, in the dark, with the bedroom door shut. im so angry! i put him back and asked my oh "wot about me? do i not need to sleep?" he replied with "wot about u?" i feel so hurt. i cant cope being alone with my baby all day and night, not because i dont love him but just because i feel so anxious and panicky around him and when he cries i get really scared *pnd* he thinks bcause he works all day (sitting on the internet chatting to his buddies) he should get a full nights sleep and a cooked dinner! ive tried to talk to him but hes adiment (sp?) this is how it is. i feel like running away, i love my lo but my oh has ruined my expectations of being a mum. i dont know what to do anymore, its getting me so down im starting to think stupid thoughts and i really really dont want to harm myself. i just cant see any escape from this shithhole of a life :\(

http://swlf.lilyslim.com/FzDK.png

15/01/2008 at 03:55
i have no experience in this hon, but i couldnt bear to read and run. i seriously hope someone comes on here soon who has some wise words. my only contribution is to get help, do you have other family members who can help out, would your oh visit the dr with you so you can look at getting help together. it sounds like you oh doesnt understand how you are feeling, or what he can do to help you.
all i can suggest for now is not to do anything hastey and as difficult as this time is - it will pass. are you on medicatation for pnd? have you been taking it long enough to take effect? is it worth considering alternative treatment?
i really hope you are ok hon, please try and find someone you can confide in......wishing you all the best x
15/01/2008 at 04:33
I am the same as wilko, but your post is so so desperate and heartbreaking to read. I feel that you need to go and see you GP and discuss with them how you are feeling, hopefully your GP will be able to give you some support in whatever means that is. If you can't get into your GP then you must speak to your health visitor TODAY!!!! Please don't put it off, you've got so much to look forward to as your LO gets bigger and gets into a routine.

As to your other half... well let me just say that if my OH was treating me and my LO in the way he is you and yours I would be totally pissed off and leaving the baby crying on the landing with the door shut is not the actions of someone who cares (thats in my opinion) You must feel that you have two children to look after, his behaviour is out of order and I know it's easy to say cause I'm not in your shoes but I wouldn't put up it. It would be a case of shape up or ship out!
Do you have some family close by???? If you do could you get them to have the baby for a night so that you can get some sleep, or even if someone could have your LO in the day so that you can catch up on sleep. I'm sure that if you could get some decent sleep then your outlook on things might me different and you may feel emotionally stronger. Don't ever feel that you are alone there are lots of mummies that struggle in the beginning and there is lots of support on this website and many mummies who have had similar experinces.

Good luck and if you don't do anything else today, go to your GP or ring your HV.... Please please please.

I'll be logging on later to see how you have got on.

Lynds
15/01/2008 at 04:49
Hi

i was just reading your story and my heart just went out to you, brought a tear to me eye. Your OH is very selfish and doesnt have the first clue on how to deal with the new arrival.

I actually believe your OH has some deep routed problems to why they may be behaving this way. Maybe they havent been able to accept or come to terms with your new lives and because they dont want to admit this they just shut out anything that is to do with that new life because they to cannot cope and maybe it wasnt what they thought it would be like? Was OH like this before your lifes changed? if the ansa is NO then they have to speak/confide in someone to what the problems are and with you also needing to understand your own. If you love eachother enough and OH doesnt want to loose you then they will do this. You both need to support, you more so cause you are seeing what is happening where as OH is pretending its not there. People have different ways with dealing with things, whilst i think OH is a complete disgrace i do think there is more to it than meets the eye.

Both of u seek help, if you have other family around you, ask if they will have lo for a night and then as a family unit work together to resolve the problems between you all. IF that is what YOU truly want to do.

Sending a big hug to you, hang on in there, i promise you Lo will bring you so much love and happiness xx
15/01/2008 at 04:51
If you do not believe its what you want anymore then just you concentrate on you and Lo, as they are what is important and do speak to you HV and GP on how to begin getting yourself back on track
15/01/2008 at 05:11
HI Emilie
I suffered PND with my first 2 but I was lucky I had all my family supporting me.
You really should speak to your Gp even if you're already on meds for your PND as they obviously arent working and your OH putting so much pressure on you when you feel so bad anyway really isnt helping, I would suggest either take your LO and run (hopefully he'll realise what an arse he's been and beg you back (be sure he promises to help out) and if he dont then he really isnt worth getting upset over. Or you could just as someonme else said worry about you and your LO feeding yourself not your OH let him get his own, leave the housework if the house isnt too bad and get some sleep during the day even if its just 10 minutes, i find 10minutes during the day just boost me enough to stay awake for my LO when she;s up.
If you have family or friends ask one of them to look after the baby for a couple of hours for you or for a night even.
Also you should try getting into some sort of group, like mother and baby. Have you tried baby massage classes? it really settles my baby for the night and it helps with PND too.

I hope you sort yourself out soon, just remember you and your baby are the most important ones and if your oh is making matters worse he really isnt worth it, i'd pack his stuff and chuck it out if it were me
15/01/2008 at 05:11
allow me to retract my previous post, and give you the actually detailed account of what happens in my sad-day-to-day life..

I dont have a job, and havent had one for a good year and a half now, my boyfriend, probably soon not to be, has payed for everything since i met him. Me leaving my job and ending up homeless while pregnant, made our relationship even better (?).

So then we have a baby, (unwanted?) and obvously, me being a girl, like all you, thinking that it will sort out our relationship, and everybody will live happy ever after. Not Quite.

As stated above, my boyfriend works, although he enjoys his job, its still work. He still needs to get up in the morning, he still has to work all day, and he still has to earn money to keep me in fags and food. Because afterall, im work shy, and havent really worked a day in my life, so he has to work extra hard to pay for everything, ill just dos off the council.

It may not be entirly fair that he comes home and expects a full nights sleep, but it may also not be entirly fair that i expect everything on demand and nothing in return. I look after my baby all day, while my boyfriend works. Then when he comes home at night, i offload all the house work onto him and then the baby, so i can sit on my arse and watch Jeramy Kyle and fantasies about a life i never had.

This, my fellow BabyExpert members, is why my boyfriend sucks, because he works hard all day, to look after me and his baby, and when he comes home, he kicks off about me offloading everything onto him.


http://swlf.lilyslim.com/FzDK.png

15/01/2008 at 05:17
I really don't know what to say apart from I am deeply shocked my your other halfs lack of support, he does sound like he is being very selfish and you do deserve a break from time to time and some decent sleep.
Like the others have said please seek help regarding the postnatal depression because it can be treated and you can get better. Your baby needs you at the moment and it sounds as though your other half is having trouble accepting that, in my opinion he sounds jealous which is awful, you need to look after yourself and the baby, your other half will have to look after himself.
It will get easier but you have to give it time and not expect too much too soon, take it one step at a time.
Make sure you speak to your GP or health visitor asap and get as much support as possible. Thinking of you x

A very proud mummy to one special little boy, and one beautiful angel baby girl x
15/01/2008 at 05:23
aw hun, im so sorry for how u r feeling and i do hope u get help and support from someone as ur oh seems to be having his own issues.
he is showing no regard for either u or lo by refusing to do his fair share of the hard work that is bringing up a baby and it must put enormous pressure onto u as u r doing everything and running on empty!
i hope u get help from gp/hv and maybe if u talk to family friends? maybe someone can have lo while u recharge?
and i def wouldnt hold back when it comes to saying how oh is making u feel
i agree with lynds007 maybe he needs to shape up or ship out (or at least threaten this so he might start to think more)
sending big hugs to u hun. xx
15/01/2008 at 05:23
my oh posted that. hes at work just now taking the piss out of me saying hes phoned up and ended the lease

http://swlf.lilyslim.com/FzDK.png

CBB
Platinum member
15/01/2008 at 05:28
It's only going to be a quick message but I didn't want to read and run.

Like others hav said do you have family near by? Do you really think its acceptable to stay with this man the way he is treating you, regardless of the fact he is the father of your child? I really feel for and your baby as he clearly does not care about you and that is really sad. You need to see your gp hun and they will be able to help you with the way you feel. But if I'm completely honest I think you should leave your oh, you are obviously worth so much more than the way he is treating you and it is completely unfair, it is better to bring up a child in a happy one parent family than an unhappy two parent family and oh is probably treating you that way cos he knows you won't leave and that you need him. He won't know what hes got until its gone!

I really hope you are able to sort everything out hun, and we are always here for you.

C
xxx
15/01/2008 at 05:39
Hi emilie, I have had pnd with my second child and the one thing you need to help you through this is support from your oh, I hope you dont mind me saying but he is in my opinion being a complete arsehole. I would tell him that fatherhood doesnt stop at conception, I appreciate that he has to go out to work but being a mum at home doesnt mean you are not working, you are doing just as hard a job and not getting paid for the pleasure of it. I do sereiously think that he is part of the problem, he is possibly making you feel inadequate by not giving you the help and support that you need and deserve. Is there anybody you could go and stay with for a few days with your lo just to get away from him, that way you could focus on your lo and get more confidence in how to deal with him. Being a mum is the hardest job in the world you get no training for it and nobody tells you what a grand job you are doing. I know it seems black at the moment but believe me in time you will get better from the pnd. My heart really goes out to you hun, big hugs coming your way. Hayley xxxx
15/01/2008 at 05:55
i had a feeling that was your OH posting that! has he nothing better to do with his day of supposed work??????

From reading what he has said about you now, i think you should leave. To write something like that only prooves he doesnt care or love or respect you. You are a better person than to let someone do this to you. and to think i felt a bit sorry for him to!

Look after you and Lo
15/01/2008 at 06:04
wat a t**t! hard at work indeed!
it seems he aint gonna give u the support u need hun, and maybe u and lo wld be better off without him, the fact that he put lo out on the landing in the dark coz he couldnt be arsed to take care of him says it all really

take care of urself and lo hun. xx
15/01/2008 at 06:09
NEVER LET A man TREAT YOU THE WAY HE IS .
BY THE SOUNDS OF IT HES POSSIBLY THE CAUSE OF YOUR DEPRESSION.
YOU WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF YOU LEFT HIM.
HE SOUNDS LIKE A COMPLETE LOSER. DON'T LET HIM CARRY ON RUINING YOUR LIFE.

BE STRONG

LOUISE XX
15/01/2008 at 06:14
hi there just wanted to offer my support i cant believe ur oh replyed and left that message.
anyways how are you and baby doing how old is he/she? you said that ur baby was alseep in moses basket have you thought about using ur cot my lo slept in his from 8 weeks old in his own room and i really feel this is why he sleeps so well. if you think the moses baskets only have a small matress and the cots must be more comfy with loads more space its just a thought.

and maybe start weaning how old is ur lo i started mine from 18 weeks old he is 6mths now an on 3 meals a day 3 bottles it does get easier i promise.

you are a good mom no one can take that away you love your child unconditionally and he/shje loves you back and as he/she gets older this will be obvoius (sp) there are no rules in parenting it is a big learning curve ur baby is well feed and looked after so stop giving urself a hard time and if ever needs be you will always cope ON UR OWN i have often thought this if it ever happened to me so chin up and give ur baby a big cuddle hope u feel better soon

im here if you need to chat

liz xxxx

[Modified by: ltarp1 on January 15, 2008 10:16 AM]
15/01/2008 at 06:22
You poor thing, I really feel for you. I know it's easy for us to sit here and advise on what you should do but the reality of it all is much harder. Your oh sounds like a selfish pig, yes he works all day and at the moment is supporting you and your little one but the job you are doing is much harder and more demanding and will have an impact on your lo's life for the rest of it. His post comes across that he resents you & the lo and that is no basis for a happy relationship. I have to say that in my opinion your life would be a lot happier without him in it - you're already doing all the work and it would seem that with him around it's like having 2 children. I would go to citizens advice and your local benefits office and see what they can suggest and offer. Perhaps your pnd wouldn't be as bad as it is if you were getting support from your oh and weren't having to deal with his childish tantrums.
You sound like you are a strong woman - just a little put upon and fed up of it!
Take care
Donna
xx
15/01/2008 at 06:35
to emilies oh, perhaps you should look up pnd whilst your playing on the computer maybe then you could give your partner the support she needs!!

emilie from reading his post especially "unwanted?" i think you'd be better off without him hun
take care xx
15/01/2008 at 06:40
thankyou for all your replies. i thought i would leave that message up there that he left to give u all a glimpse of what a horrible selfish idiot he is. first of all i just want to say that i lost my job last april when i was pregnant and i am not on benefits! and of course, he hasnt paid for everything since the day we met. thats was abit embarassing, so just wanted to say.
i know i should leave him because he treats me like a doormat, i just really wouldnt know what to do. im not independant at all and solely rely on my oh for everything :\( i wish i didnt. if i didnt i would have left months ago.
ltarp1 - hes 14 weeks old and loves his moses basket, he refuses to sleep in his cot so i just put his moses basket inside his cot.
I do have family near by, my mum lives round the corner although I wouldnt say we got on great and she doesnt have room/anywhere for me to stay. I amnt good at talking about my problems and I dont think I could tell her whats going on. She doesnt even know I have pnd
I have been to my gp and spoke to my hv, im on anti depressants and speak to a professional but some days are very bad and the past couple have been really really hard. Before we had the baby he was an arse, I got pregnant 2 years ago and he forced me into an abortion, he sits on his comp 24/7 and just generally walks all over me. Im hanging on to the way we were when we first met, he was so lovin and a gentleman and I just wish he could be like that again. I want to leave but if I do, Ill be homless again and I dont want to put my lo thru that again, I would never have him staying in some of the bedsits I stayed in when I was pregnant. I dont know what to do, Ive no money, no home and no support really (but I think thats by my own admission. Sort of. I just cant let anyone in)

http://swlf.lilyslim.com/FzDK.png

15/01/2008 at 06:49
my sister was in a similiar situation and went to see citizens advice, they gave her all the advice she needed and she got out of the relationship, moved into her own place and managed on her own. it wasn't easy but she got through it and now has a new man and a new baby and is very happy.
you must put you and your lo 1st xx