Unplanned 5th baby

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Mrsclucky

31/01/2012 at 14:57

Advice desperately needed, im a single mother of 4 and separated from my husband 6 months ago. I was casually seeing a guy for 3 months but that recently ended. Found out today that im pregnant.

I am struggling enough as it is being on my own, especially as one of my children is disabled, i dont believe in abortion and dont think i could give the baby up for adoption.

Head is spinning, haven't told the father yet as he's on holiday. He's only 23 and has no other children.

Please help!!!

FAYE1983

31/01/2012 at 17:44

Tbh I don't know what u want us too say Hun.

Uv kinda answered urself if u say u don't believe in abortion and couldn't give up a baby for adoption, there's only really one other option which is to keep the baby.

Just because the guys only 23 he might surprise u and b super chuffed and grown up and take responsibility but I guess you also have to b prepared to cope or deal with things if he doesn't.

I'm sure whatever u decide everything will work out for the best

X x

oscar2

31/01/2012 at 18:50

hi mrs clucky

saw this on the live feed and wanted to say so sorry for what a rough time you're having.

You and your children have been through so much with your separation and on top of this one of your children has a disability. Does their dad help you by doing his bit for the children?

Only you can decide ultimately what to do, but if this was a casual relationship and you are a struggleing single parent whose children are having to come to terms with big life changes i can understand your worries. I don't think anyone can judge you for making the right decision for your family, whatever that ends up being.

Good luck xx

Autumn_79

01/02/2012 at 08:03

Hi hun, didnt want to read and run but not sure if I have any advice that will help! It sounds like you are in a really tough situation, do you have any friends or family nearby who can pitch in and help? It might also be worth having a quick chat with your midwife or HV - are there ary support groups in your area who could help? I know in my town there are groups specifically for single parents - it might not be your cup of tea but maybe worth a thought? Like Faye said maybe the father will be pleased to become a dad and step up? I hope you manage to sort things out and best of luck for the next few months.
xx

Mrsclucky

01/02/2012 at 17:06

Hi everyone, thanks for the replies.
My ex husband does do a lot for the children (esp as my older two aren't his).
I live in a really small town where everyone knows everyone's business and I don't like the thought of being judged. I don't know how I'm going to tell the father, as ultimately it could ruin his life.
i also don't know how I'll explain this to my two older children as they know where babies come from and had no idea I was seeing anyone as I only saw the guy when my kids were with my ex.

I don't have any family support and not many friends here as I've bot lived here long. I am ashamed of the situation I'm in, at 27 I should have known better!

I doubt the father will step up, he ended it with me as my life was 'too complicated and when he sees drama he runs'. Things are about to get a whole lot more complex! He's back from his holiday on Sunday so gonna tell him then. Wanna keep the pregnancy a secret for as long as possible.

Xx

Mrsclucky

02/02/2012 at 15:01

Well...i told him. It didnt go well. He said of I dont get an abortion he's going to kill himself. What a horrible guilt trip to put on someone x

oscar2

02/02/2012 at 16:10

im sorry mrs clucky, he does sound quite immature, admitting he runs at first sign of drama using dramatic threats like that...i know he's only 23 and it was a casual relationship but it still takes 2 to tango!

I wouldnt listen to his threats - no one can tell you what to do with your body or your pregnancy. But i do think you might have to face the fact there will be very little paternal support for this baby, on top of the other things you have to deal with...of course you could get financial support but that may be about it.

wish i could say more hun but it comes down to what you want to do - you will be full of regret and anger if you have an abortion due to his threats - you should only do that if you consider everything, and the children you've got, and come to that sad decision on your own.

If you decide to keep the pregnancy it might be worth looking into what you're entitled to financially, and maybe consider getting closer to home and family? Its a tall order but nothing is impossible where there is love and support.

Big hugs xx

Mrsclucky

02/02/2012 at 16:58

Thanks Alfie,

i know I can do this on my own, I did it completely on my wown with my first two. Under NO circumstances could I end a life. I deal with the consequences, no matter how tough it will be. I can't put someone elses feelings before my own beliefs.
I just dont know how I'm going to tell people I'm expecting again, especially my older children. they're 10 & 8 and I know they'll be angry.

I managed to talk a bit of sense into the Dad, he's promised me he won't hurt himself and said we can talk on Monday. He hust keeps telling me to 'do the right thing' but the right thing for me is to get on with it.

Xx

oscar2

03/02/2012 at 10:00

sounds like you have decided to go ahead and that you already know whats in store. i guess now you have to focus on making the best life possible for all of you and make all your children feel loved and wanted.

dont have much else to add hun - maybe someone might have some advice re telling your older children on single parent thread x

raffertysmumma Silver member

05/02/2012 at 15:35

im sorry to sound a. heartless and b. nosey
but i am always so baffled by how so many accidents seem to happen. Most contraception is so reliable if used correctly, i just wondered if you had taken any precautions? at only 23, his life is just beginning and a 3 month relationship is hardly the basis for the stability in which to bring up a child!
abortion is still such a taboo subject but i believe that to bring a child into this world you must be able to provide for it, with 4 children already you say you struggle, how are you going to provide for another mouth to feed, especially if the father is not interested (and to be honest who could blame him... unless of course he refused to use a condom and was aware that you were not taking any other form of birth control?) if he was well aware that you were having unprotected sex then i say he needs to come to terms with what has happened, 23 is very young but he was well aware of what could happen!

oscar2

05/02/2012 at 16:43

i think that is harsh, people come on here for support, not judgement. We all know what you're saying about contraception - and about being able to provide for a baby - but human beings also make mistakes, and i've never met anyone who is above making a mistake. I doubt mrs clucky came on here to feel worse about herself.

and as for the father of the baby, everyone should blame him if he isnt interested - this is his baby and contraception is not just a woman's responsibility. x

Mrsclucky

07/02/2012 at 13:49

thanks for the back up Alfie.

We are both responsible for what has happened, yes I struggle now but more because my time is stetched between family and work. I can support my children financially and give them the love they need, just maybe not the amount of one to one attention that an only child would get.

I dont see abortion as a way out, I accept responsibility. the fact the he is 23 shouldnt come into this at all and yes he should be blamed for walking away. Yes it makes my job as a parent harder but doesnt mean i'm less willing to do it

MummyKtoTwo Platinum member

07/02/2012 at 15:30

my OH and i were only 17 and a half when we had our first baby - who was conceived on the pill!!! (and no i didnt miss any, or have sick days etc). We then had our DD 18months later and I was on the coil!!! No chance i could miss taking that obv!

when he first found out i was PG he was shocked too as we werent particularly in a "stable" relationship. however, 4 years on and we are still going strong.

i think that men get let off far too often for their age. if they are old enough to have sex, they are old enough to understand the consequences!!! ultimately it is both a man and womans responsibility with regards to contraception. just because a man is "only" 17/18/23, doesnt mean he should get let off because believe it or not, a girl of the same age has her whole life ahead of her too!!! we just face up to our responsibilties and deal with the consequences of our actions more than men do.

i get so cross because thats all i heard from OHs family and friends and its rubbish!!!

you will be just fine mrsclucky whether he helps you or not!!! hopefully he at least sees the baby and supports financially with what he can. i wouldnt go out my way to force him, but by supporting him u will make him realise that its not as terrifying as it may seem!!! i find that men need encouragement and support more than orders lol. we are obviously the better sex of the race

good luck!!! hope you have a healthy 9 months, and and stress free as posxxx

Mrsclucky

07/02/2012 at 15:50

thanks Mummy K. I was 16 when i had my first baby. I wouldn't change a thing! I'm made of stronger stuff! I do hope he comes round, having kids is the hardest but most rewarding thing in my life. I know it's gonna be hard & i'm terrified.

He said He would support me through the abortion process but when i told him yesterday that I could never do that he said he doesn't want anything to do with it. His ex had an abortion so I guess he thought it would be that simple this time.

I'm just gonna give him time and hope that he starts thinking differently xx

MummyKtoTwo Platinum member

07/02/2012 at 16:17

shame hun. men can be horrible sometimes, regardless of age! fingers crossed he comes round, but if not - you are clearly a strong woman and a great mummy! we are all here for u

for good days and bad.xx

Mrsclucky

07/02/2012 at 17:53

Thank you, it ,eans a lot. I've told two friends and they've both told me to have an abortion. Surprisingly my ex hubby is supporting me, je knows how agaimst it I am. Have had another talk to the father after what you said about supporting him (which I hadn't even thought of, too busy feeling angry at him). Seem to have made a marginal bit of progress, hopefully he knows he can talk to me about how he feels xx

Tashua

08/02/2012 at 03:17

Hi Mrs Clucky

Just wanted to tell you I really admire you for standing up for what you believe. Children are a blessing, sometimes at 3 in the morning I don't think that!, but you sound very capable.

I don't think anyone has a right to judge you or anyone else, like Alfie says we are here to support each other.

Good luck, I hope the dad comes round but if he doesn't it really is his loss. X

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raffertysmumma Silver member

09/02/2012 at 04:32

going to have to agree to disagree on this one im afraid! a forum is for support, yes but also for opinions and advice. I personally think (this is MY opinion) that having unprotected sex whilst in a 3 month relationship whilst already having 4 children is a little naive. If that makes me unkind then so be it! We all know what can happen when having sex without precautions, it must have hardly come as a surprise?
i was by no means excusing this man for walking away, i was merely questioning whether he was aware that you were not on the pill or had coil etc? presumably before you had sex this conversation must have come up?
i think its great that you are working to support your family and if you feel you can provide for another child then great, you fill your boots with as many as you want. What i do disagree with is ladies who have sex willy-nilly (excuse the pun) and just don't think about the long term effect this could have on the children you already have. I am not saying this is you, i was just questioning the events that led to you being pregnant with an unplanned baby!

oscar2

09/02/2012 at 05:22

i know there will be people who share your opinion, but i think someone in need coming on a support forum could probably do without it. If you don't feel supportive, don't carry on reading. Kicking someone while they're down and asking for help is unnecessary.

And unless Mrs Clucky lied that she was on contraception (which i doubt) it's as much his responsibilty. Its not a purely a woman's fault if she doesnt spell it out - a man should be asking.

Mrsclucky

09/02/2012 at 13:25

He was aware that I was not on the pill, and it's not just ladies who have sex 'willy nilly'! I am dealing with the consequences but unfortunately I dont have a time machine so talking sbout the events leading up to me falling pregnant is no use to me.

I would like advice and support, not making to feel like I've been stupid. I know exactly how irresponsible we both were and unlike the father I am making the best of it.