Men & Porn

13/12/2006 at 14:33
What is it with men and porn....

I'm 29 weeks and unfortunately for hubby, i'm one of those women that has gone off sex. I wouldn't say completely gone off it as there have been occassions i've fancied it, but for whatever reason we haven't got down to it!! Can't say i've fancied alternative ways of showing him affection either apart from the usual hugs and cuddles....

I have a problem with porn in general anyway as it makes me feel inadequate and not good enough for him, which he knows and we have had several arguments about in the past.... but still he continues to look and I always catch him out!!

Trouble is I found out yesterday he's been lookin on the internet again, and i'm really p'd off about it. He says he needs relief as he isn't getting anything from me, which is fair enough, but my argument is he doesn't need to look at porn to do that and i've explained to him that everytime I know or think he's looking at it, it pushes me further away from him, and I feel like I don't want him near me, so its a viscious circle.

Is anyone else having this problem with their partner - and how do you feel about it. Is it just me.....?!

Any thoughts appreciated!


13/12/2006 at 17:34
hi Kohei

I personally don't feel bad that my dh looks at porn. I think you're looking at porn from a female way not male. for men it is purely physical. nice boobs etc and they're happy! women have to be woooed and warmed so to speak. men don't. like he says it's just a way for him to relieve himself. he won't be having any romantic feelings for these women. he won't think about them as sex is mainly a physical act for men. he loves you but needs this, I'd say let him.

Have you thought about you 'relieving' him?? maybe say to him sex is definatly NOT on the cards, not even a glimmer! why not go to bed at 8pm maybe start with you giving him a massage, then let him give a massage, then maybe see where things go??

I too went off sex with this one as well as the first! he was patient but he thought at first if I wanted a kiss/cuddle in bed it would mean sex. After he realised it wasn't on the cards we started to be close again with cuddles etc. I hated that we had no closeness. but it got better, I did the massage things at night and it did make us both relaxed more. I didn't mind masterbating him as it was part of our sex life before, I just didn't like the thought of full on sex with me.. urgh!!! I was so glad when the want feeling came back I can tell you!!!! lol

take it easy... don't forget you're there 24 hours a day and he is with YOU. as long as he's not watching porn every night all night, then don't worry about it!!

good luck, wendy xxxx
13/12/2006 at 18:35
Wenders is right, you really have nothing to feel inadequate about. The point is, he's chosen to be with you. I think you'd probably find that while it might be ok for men while they are watching porn, if they were actaully faced with a female porn star, they would be the ones feeling inadequate! I think men just have more of a vouyeristic streak than women. It's not about what the people on screen look like, it's a natural reaction for people to be aroused by the sight of other people having sex. If thats what makes him feel good, and in the mean time he isn't trying to convince you to do something you don't want to do, then let him get on with it! I hate to break it to you, but all men look at porn, whether we like it or not, and nothing we say or do will ever change that. For your own peace of mind, it will be much easier to try and come to terms with it. He's not looking to replace you, it's just a different need that men have that we may never understand, but it's certainly nothing for us to get jealous or upset over. :\)
14/12/2006 at 04:31
well i personally would flip if i caught my fella doing this, if this is how you feel, im sure you punish yourself enough and try and understand, but at the end of the day it makes you feel like sh** and hurts your feelings, so i think you should keep trying to tell him how it makes you feel, this is the worst time for a man to make you feel this way anyway!!!! tk care xxxx
14/12/2006 at 10:07
Hi ladies,
This certainly is a contreversial topic but a mate of mine is a pornstar(!!) and i asked his opinion on this. he reckons that his long term girlfriend doesn't mind him 'working' with other girls. I've never met her but i think it livens their relationship. anyhow, whatever floats your boat - not for me! I actually let my ex go with this mate on a filmshoot, he was there to do the catering and apparently didn't do anything, but he came back wtih many more tricks than he went away with. whether these were picked up through just watching, or participating i will never know, although i did watch the film and he only appeared on it fully clothed (as a bit part).
but that's not the issue here, if you feel uncomfortable with this, then you should either put your foot down, or work out some sort of compromise. why not get a (very good) friend to take erotic pics of you and then you can give them to him in an album and he can use that instead!! you don't even have to be naked, maybe wearing something he likes. this will only work if you have a digital camera though, could be embarrasing picking the pics up from a film processing place!! he'd love it for xmas, i'm sure. LOL xc
14/12/2006 at 11:33
good idea curlyclaire, this what i do for ma fella lol, although have tripod instead of a m8 lol
14/12/2006 at 14:49
Hi there!! Personally, i dont like porn, and i have even found myself deleting pics from my hubby's mobile. I think i am doing him proud by having another baby with him, and i dont see why he needs to look at pics of other women. We had a huge row about this, because i know and he knows that if he found pics of males on my phone, he would go completely berserk. I have never thought of anyone else other than him, and i think he should show some respect of a decent woman who is willing to have his child. Everyone has their own opinion about this, and as far as im concerned, its wrong. Take care
of yourself and your baby, and i hope things work out for you both mutually.
15/12/2006 at 05:24
this may sound petty, but i remember how my x used to make me feel with this, and i deliberately got a mag of men, and placed it under my bed where i knew he would see, it didnt solve anything, but it proved a point and made me feel better, these men wernt even naked and he went spare lol luckily i dont really have this problem with my current boyfriend, and feel im truly blessed with this, and he understands how it would make me feel as he feels the same, and i am glad, i couldnt cope with the green eyed monster again!!!! xx
15/12/2006 at 05:44
Hi Kohei, frankly I think you have every right to be upset. Wenders is right in the sense that you are thinking of it from a female point of view, however, is your husband really considering your feelings in the matter. Hmm I think not. He is just being purely selfish. I think you really need to sit down and discuss it properly, discuss how it makes you feel, being pregnant is a rocky emotional rollercoaster ride as it is is without him going off and relieving himself of his frustrations as and when he pleases. What about your feelings and frustrations. I am sure that there are ways of dealing with this if you talk things through. All he need to do is be a little patient. Things should resume back to normality soon. He just needs to focus his attention on his unborn child and the life you are going to have together. I agree with Tracy4 and have a strong belief that porn is wrong, and if left unchecked could end up going beyond just looking. I am sure things will work out. LOL Claire
Bex
Platinum member
15/12/2006 at 06:01
I had this problem recently with my boyfriend. Everyone has there own view on it. I dont think anyone believes for a second that our guys have any really feelings for these women,its just image. But that dont really say much for your fellas view of women!
I think it makes us feel disrespected and more aware of our imperfections as lets face it,these porn stars have all the implants,lifts nips,tucks imaginable,so it dont really do our ego alot of good do it!
I think when your pregnant its even worse,because you have no control over your body,you feel less sexy and more insecure. When your pregnant you deserve some respect from men,least of all the father of your unborn child!!!.
I went onto the fathers chat room to discuss this as I wanted a mans perspective of it,check it out and you will read some of there replys.
Lets be honest here girls,I think we defend Men all to much. Would guys really say its a girl thing if the sittuation was reversed!!!! I dont think sooooooooooooooooo!
For a while it made me very distant from my partner,but we discussed it and for now things seem to be better. But I dont really believe deep down that its the last of it and thats sad really isnt it???
16/12/2006 at 17:24
hi, i know everone is different and has different views but i also think men get away with the way it is today with soft porn all over the place you cant even go in a shop to buy a paper or a mag without getting an eye full of women with no clothes on spred over something. i will say something like whats it for this time toothpaste?? lol my hubby did it when we first met and although i joined in a little he knew i felt uncomfy and how it made me feel inadequate and in the end upsetting and im so proud to say he fully understands how i feel. and has totally stopped it. untill he met me no-one had ever said anything to him about it, they put up with it so he never understood why it was upsetting and degrading etc but like alot of you have said its all fake we could all look like that if we spend thousands of pounds on cosmetics had the lighting and the airbrushing etc etc etc they are not real women and he said looking at it from our point of view it would drive him daft if it was the other way round ''men all over the place with no clothes on with bronzed bodies and rippling muscles every where!!!! on tv on adverts in papers in mags in the street. they would go mad they really would and then we would see how they felt when us women just said 'stop moaning, there is nothing wrong with it, we cant help it, its just in us!!!! lol....i would love it even if it was just for a day!!! im soooo glad i have my wonderful husband who really knows how to treat a woman and doesnt need beer or a tart to make him feel like a so called man. and they wonder why most men havent got any respect for women today and the young ones too following in their footsteps..sad or what?
17/12/2006 at 04:48
hi,ive caught my fella looking at porn,and it really upset me,i wasnt pregnant at the time,it went from looking at it to going onto a chatroom then i found pictures of a woman with no clothes on on his phone ,she had text them to him,and wot i read between them i couldnt even repeat,made me feel like crap,it still prays on my mind,he sits up to 4&5 in the morning on the computer,and i always wonder wot hes doing,i cant say if hes ever cheated,but if they have to do things like that whos to say if its offered to them they will be able to say no.if they dont listen and realise that it upsets us and makes us feel inadequate then i dont think theres much we can do,just try not to get to stressed got babies to think about.XXX
Bex
Platinum member
18/12/2006 at 10:10
Hi Rebecca,
Your very lucky that your guy can see the damage it does. At the end of the day it just kills a relationship. I was once in a 2 n half yr relationship with a guy who besides this one issue was a very sweet guy. He was tot addicted to it, I mean out of his control....couldnt even come normally unless he saw porn or had a hand job> sorry to be graphic but it was sad for him 2. He wants kids etc but imagine not easy eh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he went to counselling everything etc, but I just couldnt deal with it any longer and ended the relationship.
If its a reall serious addiction I think, then theres a real problem! but most of the time its just men being selfish and not wanting to give it up,regardless of how it makes us feel and in the end what it does to a relationship.
18/12/2006 at 11:20
well I've only just looked back in on this thread and oh my god!! there are a hell of a lot of naive, insecure woman out there!!! lol :\)

Can I just clear up that there is a world of difference between sex/porn addictition, staying up til 4/5am looking at it, only being able to have sex with porn AND looking at a bit of porn every now and then but also has a loving, healthy sex life!

It is a touchy subject yes but by no means is porn 'wrong'.... it's just one persons bit of fun, who is anyone to judge and condem them as wrong... yes if the man wants it to be included in the couples sex life and the woman doesn't like it and he forces it & pushes it & leaves it about to taunt then that not to be condoned (but both that doesn't sound like a good relationship any way) but if he likes it, then why shouldn't be able to carry on on his own?

someone said that they changed their mans view on it... well I don't believe you, he will still look at it... he will still look at a woman with big boobs or a nice arse. he'll jus be more careful if you're around.

My husband loves me from the bottom of his heart, does everything he possibly can to help us, is the most caring man I've ever met. he is very intelligent and runs his own business. he is not some crude, dirty little man just because he likes looking at a bit of porn every now & then! lol You'll tell me next that none of your men masterbate next!! ALL men do it! I'm not saying all men do it every day or even every week but they do do it!!

This is like telling a woman to never gossip or chat about nothing because it can cause trouble and is a waste of time!! We women are biological programmed to do it... as are men are about sex. they don't have in built them to create situations in their heads to think about like we women can!!

I do agree with the over exposure of naked women bodies has gone a bit to far... I mean, yes you can't turn your head without seeing a naked woman in an advert but that is nothing to do with watching porn. that's another thread I think!!

Porn has been around for the last 400 years... even before that if you want to get into it. It's not going to stop.... why should it? sex is a beautiful thing... it's the modern world that's made it into a dirty word...
18/12/2006 at 16:57
hi wenders (i presume you mean me when you said someone has said they have changed their mans veiw on it...and you dont believe them..)firstly i think we are are all aware of the differences between porn this, that and the other we dont need anyone to spell it out to us...but like we have said everyone is different and this is how we feel about it, its easy for someone to come back and critizise all us so called naive insecure women because you havent got a problem with it!!! (and when you havet got a problem with something its hard to see other peoples views) by the way i wouldnt dream of going on any post on here and and start lecturing someone else's feelings, even if i thought they were wong cos its not for me to critizise how someone feels about something. and what is wrong and what is right anyway??? when we all have to live our own life and we dont know anything about that person or what they have been through ...and i have changed the way my husband thinks about porn, no he's not perfect, yes i know he's still a man, yes its still there and he can still see it im not stupid enough to think that he just doesnt not see anything at all cos like we said it all around us anyway and believe it or not i do allow him to have a mind of his own(i havent got a problem with nudity in general, just right time right place) but he loves and respects me enough to think about how his actions makes me feel ...like everything else that come into a relationship its the sort of thing you do its just that this bit is on porn and it works both ways i know things that i know he doesnt want me to do, so i just do not even go there, no ifs or buts. i do not do it! because i love and respect him and think of how he feels. and to be like some men today ive had the 'great pleasure' of being in the company of when they have said in front of family and children ''god did you see the tits on that'' with that sort of mentality off a 12yr old with his first dirty mag! no thank you id rather be single...yes sex is a beautiful thing, i flippin love it!!!lol.. we all agree with you on that too but we prefere it just with our partners.. ..i want to know that my partner is turned on by me and making love to me not the bleach blonde naked woman that hes just been gorking at with the big tits and fit arse on the pc or something...nothing wrong with that...there is nothing wrong with what you do either if that is what you like etc its not for me to judge what you do or dont do with your partner! and just so that you know i havent a problem with my body either its quite good (even if i do say so myself lol) size 10. 5ft 7. C/Dcup so it not cos i havent got anything that theyve got either apart from a few strechmarks lol..but im real with feelings...if we was all the same the world would be boring anyway...and yes a touchy subject
18/12/2006 at 17:10
hi bex. thanks, i think im really lucky to have him too and i tell him daily, he feels the same : ) oh chucks lol...i cant see the point of being in a realationship if your gonna do stuff all the time what upset the other one, no matter what it is. you have to think of eachother otherwise whats the point in being with them...there is someone for everyone i think so you might aswell be with someone who your better suited to than being miserable. (that goes for both side!)hugs to you becky x
18/12/2006 at 17:29
Just one question. How many of you who are so against porn have ever tried watching it? I used to hate it too, but then one day i tried it, on my own, and i'm not afraid to say it got me very turned on! I wasn't attracted to any of the actors or actresses in any way, and having watched porn, I have had some very good sex with my OH, not because I was picturing anyone else, but because it had put me in just the right mood and just the right frame of mind. I've read so many comments here about how you can't tell other people how to feel and how these men should try and see things from our point of view for a change, have any of you tried to see things from your OH's poit of view? It's not that easy because we are very different creatures, so maybe we shouldn't be so hard on them just because we don't understand something they like. You're all right, you can't lecture people on their feeling or problems when you don't know them or don't undersatnd the situation, but doesn't this work between men and women too? What right have we got to tell men what they are and aren't allowed to look at or enjoy?
Bex
Platinum member
18/12/2006 at 18:15
Hi to evryone as this has become quite a subject of interest.
First of all I think Rebecca is right in that everyone is different. Some people think its ok at different levels (ie > im ok with it, if its not hidden, and its shared etc). Dont like it when ur guy is at it on his own all the time and your left up the creek so to speak. Some people carnt deel with it at all and thats totally within there rights also. I mean whatever it is in life that makes us feel uneasy,sad,disgusted or whatever then our partners should be sensetive enough not to go there.
There was one lady that was on another site and we were discussing c section as i have to have one and im scarred. She had asked for a elective c section for personal reasons. Poor lass was made to feel like a snob. She wanted a c section because she had been traumatised down there previously. So whos to judge!!!
Sex is such a personalised issue that you cannot possibly know how another person is feeling.
I mean im ok with porn to a level. What upset me was that our sex life had kinda gone down d drain and his wanking to porn had incressed. So maybe some people would say ah but thats different, some might say but better to porn than he cheets on you etc etc etc,everyone has there own opinion. But I only know that until you go through something that hurts you or upsets you then you cannot really empathise with someone in that same sittuation fully.
18/12/2006 at 18:40
hi rebecca

I had 11 replies to read since my first reply to this topic, So my reply was a mixure of the bits I'd read. it wasn't all for you. I didn't have time to look back to see who had said what but yes the bit about changing their dh's mind about porn yes it was you. I'm aware that there has to be a little give/take when you form a relationship, but I really find it hard to believe that you totally stopped him looking at it or even thinking about it. But that's just my opinion. I don't feel I'm saying anything bad about you or your husband just saying I find it hard to believe you've "stopped him".


Just to quote you... "firstly i think we are are all aware of the differences between porn this, that and the other we dont need anyone to spell it out to us..."

bex had talked about her relationship breaking down because of her ex's obsession with porn. that really wasn't relevant to the topic (in my opinion). I'm glad you feel you're aware but there are many women out there that do think it's "all the same." Don't take it personally. (bex sorry I quoted you but you were the nearest quote I found..nothing personal.)


You also said.. "but like we have said everyone is different and this is how we feel about it, its easy for someone to come back and critizise all us so called naive insecure women"

I now it takes a mixed bag to make up the world... but women have said in their replies that it made them feel inadequate & unwanted including your reply. I didn't critizise or lecture you about your feelings. I only commented on what I read. You yourself said that it made you feel degraded. those are insecure feelings. sometimes it takes an opinion that you might not like from a stranger to tell you honestly. I reply with honesty or not at all. If I feel I don't agree with someone I'm not going to shy away from it. If someone challenged me the same way and didn't agree with my comments then that's their feelings. I'm not an insecure person, but I used to be so do understand but I don't feel that way now. I don't feel I'm in a competition with a porn star, so for us it's not an issue. the same way if I went for example to a "full monty" girls show my dh wouldn't be jealous as he's not insecure too. Yes, I don't know you so I'm only going from the comments you have written. You did go onto say in your recent reply that you're happy with yourself/body... if you're happy how can it make you feel inadequate/degraded? was a bit confused... I wouldn't normally ask but you made two different views.

I've had lots of great sex without the need for porn but sometimes it can liven things up a little!! like kitkat said it can get you in the mood for it...

Not once have I said not watching porn is wrong. if you've tried it and it doesn't float your boat then great, try something else! but it does annoy me when people say watching porn is wrong when they've never watched any themselves...

please don't feel like I'm getting to you personally with my reply, because it wasn't written in that way. :\)

wendy xx
18/12/2006 at 18:48
I understand what you mean bex but that is what I go to these kind of sites for... If I wanted the same old chats & theories on life I'd go out for a girls night out! I come on here to listen to different people's replies good & bad.. people I'd probably not speak to in the real world.

all the way through this thread no ones has disputed the fact that everyone's got a different opinion. obviously we don't know the inside feeling of another person but that's I'm sorry unless someone spells it out in black & white we're never gonna know are we?

wendy x