...That I admit to myself that I think I have post-natal depression
I tried posting yesterday & couldn't find the words, but Reading Dxxx's post has spurned me on. This is just a getting off my chest post so I'm not expecting any replies.
I've been feeling like this for a while & have suspected for a month or 2 but never really wanted to admit it. To be honest I think it all started with Archies traumatic birth & him beig taken to the neonatal unit 10 minutes before we were due to go home Once I came down from that cloud 9 i came back down to earth with an almighty bump.
I sometimes feel like I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. Having a bath, putting make up on & getting ready in the morning are such mountains to climb, it's seems pathetic. I don't want to leave the house most of the time during the day, but have been forcing myself, even if it's justthe 500m down the road to tesco. I love my little boy to bits & I look at him and cannot imagine life without him, which is why I can't understand why I feel so crap. My other half doesn't really get it, I've told him & all he has said on it is that I need to go to the doctors if I think that. I can't blame him because I don't even understand it myself & I'd not know what to say if i was in his shoes.
I still feel so upset about the birth experience (even though sometimes I look back on it & think wow) and being kept in hospital for that first week, I feel we missed out on so much & those precious first days as a family
I feel like there is a huge cloud over my head & I feel awful as there is such an expectation to be a happy new mother but on the inside somedays I want to scream, but not in relation to Archie. He is as good as gold & I have no reason at all to be sad, I don't get mad or angry at him, but when be goes to bed the mist decends.
I really love my little family to bits & I don't understand why I feel sad, I'm so lucky to have both my men, I feel like such a bad person
I have taken the first steps & booked an appointment at the doctors for Wednesday morning, because both Archie & Rich deserve a happy mummy & fianc??????


[Modified by: alzywalzywoo on 06 December 2010 14:53:58 ]


[Modified by: alzywalzywoo on 08 December 2010 18:16:26 ]

Hi Sweetie - firstly well done for posting this its such a hard thing to admit. You are NOT a bad person PND affects alot more women than we realise but its something no-one really wants to talk about.

I was reluctant to seek help as I didn't really want medicated but I have to say its the best thing I've done. It means Aila has a mummy who isn't bursting into tears singing twinkle twinkle to her. I've been on antidepressants for about 2 1/2 months now and I feel so much better.

It may help to get an appointment with your consultant to discuss the birth and Archies NICU admission It may just clear your head.

Its so hard when your baby is poorly - it takes a huge toll and I can relate to your feelings of missing out on early family life.

So glad you've taken your 1st steps to getting help I hope Wed goes well for you xx

good luck for wednesday morning hun. please accept all the help that is offered to you. it really will help in the long run.
I'm back on my tablets for depression (i've had it long term) but its only since Lucy was born that ive started talking to someone, first on a weekly basis, now on a fortnightly basis. My HV is fantastic and helps loads. she does a great job at gewtting my thoughts into order.........
it wont be long before you are feeling more yourself. remember, admitting that you need that little bit of extra support isnt a sign of weakness..... but it just goes to show how strong a person you really are.
(((((huge hugs))))) am always here (or on FB lol) if you wanna chat xxxx

Didn't want to read and run. Sorry to hear you're not feeling good. You've done the right thing in admitting you think you may have PND and booked yourself an appointment with your GP. I suffered from depression when i was 19 and it was only when it got really bad that i decided to make an appointment at the doctors and i really really wish i had done it sooner! I was put on antidepressants and soon began to feel better. It's not until you start to feel better that you realise how bad you felt in the first place. I'm sure once you've spoken to your GP you will feel a cloud has lifted even if only a little. However that's the first step. I hope you get on ok on Wednesday and don't hold back on telling them anything. Get it all out and said and let them know exactly how you are feeling. Hope all goes well and things start to pick up for you. xx

big hugs, I also relate to feeling sad about the first wee bit of family life as my wee lady was so jaundiced and ended up in hospital at 3 weeks, the whole lead up to it was nightmarish in terms of constant fear and anxiety about her health - I love her to pieces and I always did but I found myself clinging on to my husband screaming and crying on his first morning back to work begging him not to leave me and I really knew then that I had to get help urgently. You are doing so well. I work in mental health, my dad has bipolar and I have also had recurrent depression so I know how well you are doing to work through this - I have been back on meds since my postnatal check and like DM I feel sooo much better like a different woman really, and much more myself - but a new kind of self now! come back and talk t us or fb me any time you like xx

I hope you dont mind me replying to your post but I saw it on the front page and it sounds exactly how I felt a year or so ago and wanted to offer some reassurance that things do get easier. This may turn into a bit of a long story so Im sorry in advance!

I had all the same things as you around 8-10 weeks after my LO was born in Sept 09. I didn't want to admit it at the time and although I went to the Drs in December last year I chickened out at the last minute and just said I wanted to change my pill so I didn't have mood swings so much!
Anyway I struggled on until January when I had a bit of a meltdown after being stuck in for a week with all the snow. My Hubby made me go back to the Drs and I was diagnosed with PND. I was devastated and cried all the way home from the Drs but I also felt a huge sense of relief. Id finally done something about it and this is the hardest thing to do-you should be so proud of yourself to have made that appointment Weds.
I was offered anti-d's and although previously Id been dead set against them I felt I was so low I needed something initially to lift my mood before trying to tackle the reasons I was feeling so crappy. I was put on fluoxetine and after taking them for about 5 weeks I began to feel better in myself. By April time I was feeling a lot better and by July I can say I was feeling back to my 'old' self-if there is such a thing once you've had a baby lol!

I felt guilt at being unhappy when I had my beautiful girl, angry at myself, worthless as a Mum and as a person and most of all like Id let everyone down. I didn't think I had any right to feel down when Id had an ok pregnancy, a near perfect birth experience and my baby was healthy. I realise now this is natural, as negative thoughts are normal when you're feeling in such a fragile and negative state of mind.

Now a whole year on from my first appointment at the Drs I can see just how down I was and I really do want to stress to you that it is not the awful thing it is painted to be. The more I talk to people about it (at first I didn't tell anyone apart from my close family) the more I hear of others being diagnosed it is more common than you'd think. If you have a good sympathetic GP then maybe make sure your appointment is with them (its a different GP every time at mine!) Or speak to your HV. There are lots of options for treatment like counselling or anti-d's but really the first and biggest step is to go in the first place.

I really really hope this has given you some insight into my little story and in some way it might help you. Feel free to look at some of my previous posts in Born in Sept 09 and you'll see just how awful I was feeling at some points.
I still have bad days from time to time but overall I feel so much more positive and am looking forward to my life with my new little family.

You are not alone in this and I should also say I found this website and extremely good source of therapy! The girls in BIS09 are brilliant and it looks as though the girls in here are the same so any time you feel like having a rant just go for it.

Big hugs and keep us updated on how your appointment goes.
xx

Lots of hugs. You're doing the right thing going to the doctor on Wednesday. It's difficult to understand why we sometimes feel this way. Like you said you love both your men to bits but sometimes we can't help feeling this way. I was exactly the same after DD2 but was fine with the first one and touch wood so far so good this time.
Good luck Wednesday and remember we're always here for you xxx

Ally, my heart goes out to you, because I know those feelings to well.

I hope going to the doctors helps, it did for me. Even just opening up and telling him that I did not feel right was like a huge weight lifted.

You have made the first step by making the appointment and it does get easier. The hardest bit is spotting why you feel the way you do, and you have done this, so well done.

And please remember you are not alone hun, and we are all here for you. I honestly dont know how I would have coped without some of you. xxx


[Modified by: Dxxx on December 06, 2010 06:35 PM]

Aaw Allyson, sorry to hear your feeling this way but as the girls have said you have taken a huge step by booking that doctors appointment and getting some help.
I understand how your feeling and I've been quite concerned lately that my post baby blues don't seem to be lifting, if anything- getting worse! It all came to a head yesterday when lo was fighting his nap after a lousy nights sleep and I just sobbed! Passed lo to Hubby and said I can't do it anymore and locked myself in the bathroom for a while, then felt awful and guilty and just held lo for ages apologizing! I've tried to keep it from dh as I don't want him to think I'm a bad mummy and can't cope but I just think because I'm on my own a lot it just gets to me sometimes!
Sorry to hog your post Hun I guess it just feels easier to let it out to others who have similar emotions!!
I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday- make sure you let us know how you get on x x

Oh Alzy,
sorry to hear you are so low. It can be such a difficult time. I suffered a bit with PND with DS and also some anxiety. I'm better this time round but it can still be hard.
Well done you for getting an appt - I really hope it goes well and you can get some help.
Let us know how it goes
Take care x

Sorry to here your feeling rubbish, but congratulations on taking the first two steps on your road to recovery ) I have suffered from three bouts of depression in the past although luckily have somehow avoided PND? It is tough but the worst is now over, the suffering in silence before being strong enough to admit to yourself , then to others, then to seek help is definately the hardest bit. I hope Wednesday goes well for you pet. Thinking of you. Cxxx

SO SO pleased you have made that appointment and thanks for posting this gave me a shove too!

I hope it goes well for you, talking about your problems is a big step and a step on the road to feeling better, good luck!

Well I've had a bit of a better day, managed to get myself out & into work, I enjoyed seeing everybody & it made me realise how much I'm craving that bit if me time work would give me, it felt almost normal to be back in the office - how odd! I came to bed real early, I text Rich & told him about everything, my Docs appointment & how I feel. I'd left him downstairs washing the pots. I said how sorry I was that I'm no use around the house at the moment, but just getting up & facing each day is hard. He came upstairs & gave me a big hug, told me he loved me, & said I'd do anything to get out of the washing up - haha made me smile. He also brought me a 'happy present' of the most lush handbag I've ever seen! Confessed it is my Christmas present, but I deserve the world & he will buy another, bless him! I'm so lucky to have him, after being a shit throughout my pregnancy, he's really stepped up recently & archie just adores him! Thanks for all your kind messages & I will let you know how tomorrow goes. I really don't know what I'd do without you girls xxx

Glad you had a better day hun. Its great you spoke to Rich about it and even better you got a handbag out of it lol! Seriously though I'm glad he's being supportive I'm sure you can get through this together, good luck at the dr's xx

Im glad you are feeling better hun. I realised that getting out of the house makes such a difference, so i make sure we go out everyday, even if its only to meet hubby for lunch. Luke also sleeps much better when he has been "worn" out, lol.

Let us know how you get on at the doctors. Stay strong, you are doing the best thing. xxx

Aww Ally Im so sorry hun to see this. Huge hugs to you xxx xxx xxx Thats excellent you have made the steps to go see your doctor. I feel really bad now. As at my 6 wk check it was picked up I had PND. I never posted on here about it. Maybe I should have done and I could have helped you... so Im sorry. But I will say to you it does get better, If you ever want to chat you know where I am. Sounds like Rich is a great support to you, your very lucky xxx xxx xxx

Well my doctors appointment wet as suspected, she just said oh well I'm sorry you feel that way and thrust a prescription fo fluoxetine my way. She's about as much use as a chocolate teapot, butto be honest I'm glad cause I don't really want to talk to her about it, but I told her everything & she wants to see me in 4 weeks to see how things are going. Hopefully I'll start to feel better soon.
Aoife don't apologise Hun, you weren't to know, I hope you feel better soon too x
Had a better day today, went to a college interview & got accepted to do an access to higher education course for midwifery, so that has lofted my spirits. Hopefully soon this will all be a distant memory. Thank you for thinking of me today girls x

Congratulations on passing your interview Hun! Well done!!
So glad your feeling a bit better and that you continue to do so. All of you girls are so brave and I can't wait to meet you all.
You have given me the nudge to talk to my Hubby at the weekend about how I've been feeling and hopefully getting it off my chest will help!
Congrats again Ally x

Sorry you are feeling so awful but wow - well done for getting into college with such a small baby, thats a pretty big achievement.