Warning - this is another epic rant!

im sorry to write yet another chapter on this but things are hard between OH and I again. We've had carpets put down, furniture delivered etc and my mum and dad came over to help me buy curtains and put them up in nursery and dining room. They also helped me sort the garden and set up a shoe rack for me. My dad has made comments to my mum that it should be oH helping not them, but to me they have both been lovely as they know its not my fault. OH came home to say that how much did the shoe rack cost, the nursery curtains weren't straight and the dining room curtains made the room look small. This annoyed me as we'd all worked hard.

Mid week i came home from a horrible day at work to find disgusting bird mites in our bedroom. I had bites all over my legs and then realised where they'd been coming from. They'd tracked their way in from a wire leading from a birds nest behind the sattelite dish on the outside wall next to our bedroom. id been saying i was getting bitten for the couple of days preceeding it but thought i was going mad. just felt sick when i saw them ugh. Had to call pest control who fumigated everywhere, but had a few tears about it as just felt so disguting at the thought they'd been crawling on me (apparantly they go for women over men due to softer skin, and particularly like pregnant women, OH had not been bitten at all). Just wanted a cuddle but instead got shouted at, why was i crying, what does crying achieve, etc...sometimes i think he can't love me to be so horrible. Crying doesnt have to be rational, im 7 months pregnant and totally freaked out!

On bank holiday weekend he was off for three days, i was on night shifts as of saturday night. i asked him to put some pictures up on the saturday and sort out a co :roll: uple of little things. The big thing was to remove the birds nest on the side of the house. He sat on the sofa all day reading a book, time ticked on, in the end i had to say come on you've got 3 days off and all i need is these few bits doing...he kicked off horribly and made me cry. He said it wasnt as if he had a week off work - is this the only way he'll ever do anything for our home and us as a family?

The stuff he had to do took an hour out of his three days, sod the fact mum and dad gave a whole day up of their time to help me sort other things out. Ended up having some tears down the phone to my mum. I just feel so sad our home, family, baby and me are not even low on his priority list - we aren't even on it. He works hard but thinks this entitles him just to read books, watch tv, visit friends and the gym and never do anything else.

I feel totally undesirable to him as a woman, as a wife, as a mother...im just this thing that nags him and stops him enjoying himself. Meanwhile im trying to cope with the huge emotions becoming a parent brings without really feeling he's in any way on my side. I know this will all get harder when the baby's here.

The nursery is at last taking shape and all he had to do on saturday was put up the lightshade that is part of the set we've bought. We have a new carpet, fresh paint etc but he told me he couldnt put the light up as he's decided he wants stars all over the ceiling which will involve drilling 150 holes in the ceiling...I could cry thinking about it. Im going to ask my dad to put the light up and i know OH will go mad but honestly how can he stress me out further by spoiling the room like that. he's probably too damn lazy to do it, and i dont want to shut him out as he hasnt expressed much interest to do anything else...I wonder if we have anything left in common he just seems to distress me all the time :roll:

have just read this back and realise its a huge whinge but it does help me to put it down...OH and i had a heart to heart a while back where i told him to leave if he wanted a single life cause my priority was to build a home and family life for our LO. Things got better briefuly as i think he was shocked but i fear im fighting a loosing battle x

Oh hunni I really feel for you, he sounds like he has no interest in helping you at all. Im so glad you have lovely supportive parents to help you out. But like you say he should be there helping you to build your home/family together.

I think you really need to evaluate your life and have a serious heart to heart with him as this stress is not helping you or the baby. Can you not stay with your parents for a few days so you can get away from all the stress?

Sorry to hear about the mites thats awful you definately deserve a big hug so sending a virtual one to you. Cant believe he treated you so badly no wonder you cried.

I dont want to sound mean but my ex partner was like your partner except he ended up being abusive, he was worse when my son came along and did nothing for him, if I went out I came back to a hungry baby with a dirty nappy while he played on his computer. You deserve better. We split up when my son was 6 months old. Im now happily married to an amazing man who is so supportive of me while im pregnant and his kids and me are on top of his priority list. My mam always told me you wanna be with someone where you are there everything and they would do the world for you

Sending big hugs

oh no i'm so sorry u r having a dreadful time. also think u need to have a damn good talk to him and make him realise that this can't go on! perhaps staying with your parents foor a few days may make him realise what he's missing

sending u massive hugs

xx

I'm sorry you're having a dreadful time again.

I don't know what to say, I don't know what else you can do my lovely.

I think it's a bit rich him being critical of work done in his house that he couldn't be bothered to do himself.

I'm sorry as I know I hate it is other people are critical of my hubby. You and that precious baby deserve so much more. Like wllowbaby my husband spends every waking minute doing something to either help me or make life better for our baby.

I just don't know what to say as it seems like he's bringing nothing to the table so to speak which is such a shame as you seem like such a lovely person. You are not being unreasonable for expecting more from him.

Huge hugs x

Oh huni, so sorry your having a hard time of it at the minute. Sounds like your hubby needs bit of a wake up call to make him appreciate what he has got in u. Could u go stay with your parents for a wk end & let him fend for himself? if nothing else it would give u a bit of time to get your head straight.

Obviously i don't know him but sounds like he sees himself as having a much more important role than u & that he is enititled to do jack all when he's not working!! Ummm WRONG!! does he not realise how hard it is to be pregnant, carrying on working, keep the house nice & deal with all the hormones, aches & pains of pregnancy!!

Most importantly hun don't stress yourself out & don't overdo things as these last few wks of pregnancy r the when u need to reserve all your emotional & physical strength for the birth & newborn.

Massive hugs xxxxx

thanks ladies

i know there's not a lot to be said as it's just same old crap from him. I'm hanging on to the hope he will be so adoring of the baby he will change. I know that sounds naive of me but in ten weeks our LO will be here and just maybe it will make him grow up - he's in his 30s for gods sake, not a teenager. I just think i'd regret it forever if i never tried being a family and giving him a chance as a father, even if he falls flat on his face. Even if he springs to life and realises his responsibility then ill never fully forgive him for treating me this way whilst pregnant though

willowbaby i hope the straw that would break the camel's back would be if he wasnt fair to the baby, like you're ex, leaving him hungry and dirty...thats just pathetic and disgusting behaviour. I bet you felt like punching him! I would like to say it isnt possible my OH would be the same but the truth is i just dont even feel i know him anymore. He's always saying what an adoring dad he will be but he's essentially very lazy and baby's are hard work. Im so glad you're with a man who treats you well now. Does your ex see your little boy? I couldnt imagine if things didnt work out for me and OH ever meeting anyone else (and of course this would be the furthest thing from my mind!) i dont know where id meet anyone or when id have the time to, its a depressing thought thanks for your kind words mrsmafia im so glad your OH adores you and your baby, he should do. It must feel lovely to have that securtiy. x x

Oh no I'm so sorry to hear things have gone downhill again, big hugs to you x x x

Bless you, I want to give you a massive hug.

Like willowbaby, before my husband I was with someone who wasn't like that. He wasn't abusive he was just very self centred and he very firmly came before me or us as a couple and he effectively did as he liked and my only decisions were to go along with it or not. It made me feel helpless because I didn't feeel liek I had much control over my life.

It is really good that your parents are close by and are raelly supportive of you as mine lived a good 5 hour drive away so I was pretty much on my own.

I totally understnd where you are coming from and you don't want to do anything where you think you'll have regrets or what if's etc. Perhaps explain to him that the only thing keeping you from walking out is the fact that you're hoping he'll get his act together when this baby is born and maybe that will put him on notice that if he doesn't he's had enough chances? I know that's only a decision that you can make and I don't mean to tell you what to do. If you can't say it to him perhaps write it down and leave it for him, things always seem more real in black and white.

Look after yourself and i'm so glad you feel able to vent on here, i do always pop on to see how you're doing.

Huge hugs xx

thanks ladies, i appreciate your support.

I have been the friend that has continually given the right advice, despite the person not listening and going round in circles! In my heart i know it will all end in tears but less than a year ago i became a wife and in 10 weeks ill become a mummy and those things are so huge. Im just not ready to give up on what i hoped for yet. OH is not an evil person or anything and of course ive only told you his bad sides, he loves to spoil me buying me flowers, meals out, etc - but these things, while they impressed me when i was dating him, are not what i need most now. Now i need love, support, affection, and hard work from him to feel that we are a family of 3 and its not just me weighed down with the responsibility of mothering this baby and also kevin the teenager :lol:

It frightens me that he could be selfish and lazy with regard to our little one when the novelty wears off - id find this unforgivable. What i want is for him to rise to it and for it to be the making of him! I realise to anyone reading my messages this sounds very delusional. But at least if he's rubbish with the baby ill know im done :roll:

I don't think you sound delusional, you sound like you don't want to give up even though you're finding things aren't working out how you imagined and like you've said you have not long been married and are about to become a mummy too, major huge life changes for you and your husband.

The good thing is it sounds like you are being realistic at the moment with the situation but I really do hope becoming a Dad is the making of your husband and you can enjoy looking forward to your future.

I hope you are feeling ok today.
My husband was quite self centred before we had kids. He would go out with his mates at least 4 times a week leaving me at home to sort things out. I had a full time evening and night job as a carer as well as being at uni doing a teaching degree. He always thought his life was more important. He was horrible when I was pregnant as I was in hospital and had SPD and he just moaned saying everyone else was fine in pregnancy why was I making such a nuisance of myself. When I was induced he carried on at work as he said it was boring sitting in hospital (he also really has a fear of them) On a positive note though I can say that he did change sooooooo much when our first DS arrived.
He was however their for the birth and it was the moment that changed him.
We are now having number 3 and so much has changed - he doesn't go out drinking at all anymore says he would much rather be with his kids. He also has Thursdays off and looks after them while I work.

Obviously he still has his lazy moments of wanting to sit and do nothing in front of the tv - especially in the morning when we get up and we are both off - he goes down stairs and makes a coffee for himself and watches tv while I get the kids up but i just moan at him

He is also much better coping with my pregnancy - I wouldn't say a perfect gentleman as he just doesn't seem to get the pain and stressed that is caused but he is more considerate.

I know not everyman will change but I thought i would let you know it is possible.

it is good that you have supportive parents nearby. I have my parents nearby but they adore my husband and always moan at me saying i am the boring one for not letting him go out with his mates all the time. I don't ever drink and they think i am strange for not doing so - they are always encouraging him to have a drink saying he doens't want to be weird like me!

Hey chic
Sorry if you think what im about to write is unfair, out of turn or whatever but i feel it needs to be said!

Your OH is being a total twat to put it politely. He needs a size 10 up his backside and needs to realise how lucky he is to have a lovly wife and a baby on the way! Unfortunately from what you have said it seems he is not likely to do that! He sounds so much like my ex and i thought if i ended it, then he would see how good he had it. He rarely contacts me now but im pleased im free of him he cant hurt me anymore by not being there for me. I decided i didnt want him there. Im not saying its easy to do hun its not and i sometimes wonder if i did the right thing and then something will happen to remind me that i definately did.

When my baby is born and grows up i will be able to look at my child and tell them i left their dad because of how he behaved and i had to make that difficualt choice for the welfare of my baby! I know your OH hasnt been violent but hes still putting you through hell emotionally. It shouldnt have took for you to have to be reduced to the state you were last time for him to sit up and take notice and here we are a few weeks later and hes off again it's not on.

No man is worth your tears and the one that is wont make you cry....its an old and cheesy saying chic but one i strongly believe. I am happier now on my own than i have been for months and i like you am lucky to have the support of my family and that means the world to me. I think you need to kick him into touch by scaring him to death. My ex threatened to take me to court and get the baby or to take the baby out of the country but the reality is that hes never bothered with me so far, never bought anything, offered any money etc so i dont see why he will start when baby is here. Ive took steps to prevent it anyway he wont go on the birth certificat therefore making it imposssible for him to take the baby out of the country. I will fight him in court if i have to and they will take a dim view of his actions so far he has no hold on me anymore and i think thats why hes backed off so much because he knows he has nothing on me. He knows he isnt controlling me anymore and it kills him.

Your OH may not be as bad as ine as my ex does have ADHD which is an illness so is proboy worse than pig headed men but in a way at least he has half an excuse for SOME of the things he does your OH has none! Seems he has a pretty easy life works fair enough but so do you and then you come home and do the cleaning and washing and ironing and cooking etc ad all you asked was for a bit of help with DIY when that didnt come you sought help from elsewhere and all he could do is critisize i think he needs to grow up and realise he is going to be a dad and he needs to stop thinking of himself and start considering you! To me it seems like he is going out of his way to upset you IE: suggesting drilling holes in the ceilings for starts what use is that it will distract baby and probly prevent them getting much sleep tbh. Seems its his way or the highway but thats not acceptable!

You need to pack a bag (even if things are better now) and go to your parents if only for 1 week away from him to assess your situation and feelings away from all the stress he is causing you! Hopefully what it will do for him is show him how good he does have it you being there all the time. Make him realise that you are a person with feelings. I would certainly be out until he gets rid of the nest or id be catching a few on the insects and putting tem in his delicates but thats my bad mind! I know myself its not easy to walk away and it broke my heart i cried for a couple of days i sometimes still cry now mainly because he made no effort to get me back or save our relationship! In the long term though i know its a good thing because i know he didnt love me as much as i loved him! Your hubbie probly wouldnt be the same i dont know him i cant say what he will do but i hope it gives him the boot he needs! If it doesnt then you know that you are not in a good relationship! Your baby doesnt care if you and its dad are together it cares when you are stressed or down or feeling unloved and unsupported. Babies pick up on these things chic so if being apart from your OH at least atm is less stressful and more productive for you then do it.

Alfie i dont know you from adam after all this is the internet but from all of your posts you seem a genuinely lovely person. I dont know your OH i dont know if hes always been a pig like he is now but im guessing not! All i'm sying is you sound like you deserve so much better than what your getting! You shouldnt have to nag and ask and nag and ask and nag and ask and then breakdown, fallout and have a heart to heart everytime you need him to do something it must be exhausting for you!

I dont know what else to say except im thinking of you and sending cyber hugs yoyr stronger than you think you are and you will be a great mum but you need to stand up to your OH or its going to get worse when the baby comes and your tired and worn out and hes still sitting reading a book on his day off or whatever its not right hun!
Thinking of you
xxx

hi ladies

thsnk you for your advice, sorry its took me a while to reply, i cracked the screen on my laptop! oops. Don't really like replying on my OH's laptop but he's brought me home a monitor from work. He's gone off to london with work, probably for the whole week, so i thought it might be an idea to have words before he went as then we'd have space from each other for a bit.

I asked him this weekend to put the light up, nothing else, he went to the gym both days and to be fair got called into work for lots of saturday, then had to drive to london tonight.despite continually saying about it i woke up this afternoon after my last night to the light not done. I just felt overwhelmingly sad and cried upstairs for ages. Obviously im very tired after being on nights, and hormonal, but aside from all that just so desperately disappointed.

OH could tell i was feeling miserable and went to give me a hug, i just broke down, proper sobbing, couldnt stop. I think he was a bit shocked. Just said i couldnt believe he hadnt done the light and (typical man) he said, are you this upset over a light?! I repied that it wasnt just the light, it was anything i asked him for, i just felt exhausted that we didnt have the kind of mature relationship where we could work together, have the same priorities etc, that this wasnt just my home or just my baby and i feel so scared about the future. He replied that he's bought the stuff for the light but just not had the chance to do it and work takes up lots of his time - i know this, he works very hard, i dont begrudge him doing that as i know its all fot me and baby but the rest of his time is spent reading, going to the gym, watrching tv and it would have taken him no time (he is so quick with DIY, its not like he's a person that finds it hard). I said i felt totally unimportant to him and he replied that wasnt true and he loved me. He admitted sometiems he drags his heels cause he resents my nagging but i replied that its echausting for me nagging, him resisting, nagging, him resisting, etc then huge blow up and only the same repeated argument to look forward to. That i dont understand when im pregnant and need him and am due in 10 weeks why he cant just prevent me from going through all this by just taking a small amount of time to do a few bits each week. He said exactly - we have 10 weeks! Missing the whole point again....he said he's scared too but i know he's scared about the birth etc and im more scared about whether we'll work out or crack under the strain of it all. He said he's fed up with being pre judged on what he'll be like as a dad as how do i know, but all i can do is judge things on his behaviour now!

We had to go to my parents for tea straight after so it couldnt go on for too long (a good thing really, we couldnt fall out too bad) and he headed off to london from their house so have just got home. He did look concerned when he left i just darent hold my breath that any of it has properly changed things but i think he was a bit shocked by the extent of my reaction. Even if he just things im a hormonal moody cow but gets on with what i need him to do for a quiet life, i honestly dont care, just need him to step up to the mark.

alf n osks good to hear things worked out with your OH in the end, im glad he managed to rise tot he challenge of parenthood in the end. It must have been gutting for you in pregnancy though. Just feel so lucky ive been so physically well as i dont know how much sympathy id have got if i wasnt.

bumplover thanks also for your advice, im not offended at all i know you've been through hell yourself so it must be frustrating to hear about someone elses OH being an idiot! I hope the time apart will do us good like you suggested and i hope some of what i said makes some difference. Dont want to start with threats of spliting up as once its said it cant be unsaid, but that would be the next step as what would there be to loose if life carries on like this? Am so glad you are feeling happier than you have in months, there must have been times when you felt you might never feel happy again you sound so strong. xx

Ahh I'm glad you had the opportunity to have a good heart to heart even though it was amidst a good cry, men generally don't see the bigger picture until they really really need to (obviously some men are horrid and don't care) but so far I am really giving your husband the benefit of the doubt (I have to it keeps me sane) obviously I don't know him, but like I've said before I've been in such a similar situation and they really can come good. We can sometimes put so much pressure on ourselves and our partners to be 'ready' for the arrival and sometimes the fixtures and fittings issues can get blurred into the emotional issues and that's when the little things that don't get done become unbearable because its all mixed in with 'what will happen' and 'how will we cope' and 'will it break us' type of issues Don't get me wrong all these issues are totally justified and normal especially when pregnant for the first time (and newly weds as I was too when expecting my first) so I'm not suggesting it is unjustified to feel this way and don't want you to think I'm being un-supportive just a realist I suppose. You sound like you made some really good points with him though, particularly about being a team, I've said the exact same thing and it is so true, you do have to work as a team.

I think my husband at the moment with 8 weeks to go with our 2nd is still thinking we've got ages to get ready, I actually suggested writing him a list of all the jobs I need him to do which actually went down much better than I excpected :lol: , he still hasn't done any of them yet though :roll:

Anyway I hope you enjoy your week, maybe you could talk about going for a nice meal or a day out together or something when he gets back just so you can enjoy some time as a couple when he gets home.

Big hugs anyway

thanks 30 something. I go from feeling desperate and wanting to say/do something dramatic to thinking maybe i just am being a little dramatic and ruled by hormones. My OH has not changed - he still wants to do what we always did, have nice meals out, have fun, do social stuff, not maintain a home or look to the future. Ive changed though - new priorities, home and baby - which he did agree to! He wants the baby but thinks that life can otherwise stay the same and i know there's an almighty shock heading his way.

you're so right about the blur between practical housey stuff and emotional issues! Im sure both of us have fears but as the female i can express mine more readily. Maybe they're silly but they are normal too.

Went to mothercare today and got some lovely bits for baby, wall stickers, bedding, nappy stacker, baby bath, changing mats....sadly all with my mum but i just cant wait for OH's timescale. I feel a little bit like we havent had the experience of choosing anything for bubs together and sometimes it feels like me and my mum are having this baby together, rather than me and OH, but as a man he's not ever so interested in decor and baby bedding so what the hell, im doing what i need to do to settle my mind.

Sorry your OH has not got his act together for you, can't imagine how it must feel to have been through all this and do it all again! Im honestly not sure i could have another...i guess you must have a lot of bits already x

Hey hun, I've been reading through your posts And I'm so sorry that you and your husband are having issues! I seems to be a battle for power that he is trying to keep hold of!

Just to let u know though during my first pregnancy my husband put things off for longer than I wanted! He seemed to think we had all the time in the world! however, everything was ready for baby and I must say I couldn't wish fir a better father for arthur! He is amazing and although the first few months adapting to parent hood were hard, very hard, he is a changed man!

Everything he does, he does for Arthur and I'm sure your husband will be the same. I think it's harder for men to adapt before the birth as they don't have the connection we have with the baby! We can feel it growing, moving and our brain switches to baby brain! My husband said to me after having Arthur, 'I was prepared for the birth but not for what was to come after and how I would feel!'

Don't give up on your relationship just yet, these are teething troubles and soon enough you'll both share the love for the little bundle that you made together! Xxx

thanks artysmam you made me feel a bit tearful, what you said was lovely. Its good to hear from others who've had a tough time with their OH's in their first pregnancy. Im sure when you have your LO it does make you both grow up and come together i suppose theres no time or energy to sweat the small stuff!

I expect things to be tough in the first weeks and months, in fact i paint such a bleak picture my mum has told me off and says its not as bad a s i think! I dont imagine it to be miserable or anything but i know it will be unimaginable sleep deprivation, but also unimaginable love and devotion for our baby. My OH has always wanted children and msybe this comes from naivty (ie not too keen to change his life too much at the moment!!) but i just pray he feels the utter devotion of a father when we have our baby, like your OH did.


I love the name Arthur, by the way. I really like older traditional names. Do you call him anything for short? We're going to have henry if a boy. What are you thinking of for this little one?

I'm certain he will feel it and watching you go through the labour will change him too!

The first few weeks are not that bad but I do remember spending them apart from my oh as we took on different shifts with Arthur! We would both steal sleep when we could! We came together though and only 9 months later started trying got the next so we were not affected by it!

We call him Arty for short! His nick name is bizzle, no idea why??? Daddy started calling him it and it stuck! We also like Henry and want another kings name. My friends little one is called Henry though so I don't want to use it.

I've been looking through the census from the start of 1900s so I'm hoping to find something there! Any ideas? Xx

G/C from DIS but oh Alfie I feel for you. My DH and I have had a few ups and downs (usually following a stressful event at his workplace) but he is always immediately apologetic explaining he's been out of line and didn't mean to take it out on me, I listen to him and we're back to normal life where he actually does quite a lot so that I don't have to do anything strenuous or hazardous such as climbing ladders or lifting boxes about. As for the 10wk comment, it may be 10wks until your due date but very few actually come on the date, some come later and some come earlier. A gentle reminder to your OH that it could be less than 10wks if baby decides it wants to come sooner (it will be baby that decides) may help. Best wishes he comes around to fatherhood soon (my BIL still struggles with the concept 2 1/2 yrs on, though he adores his son he wants the bachelor parties and lad nights out so have compromised that he gets Wed nights with the boys to do as he pleases but otherwise he has a son to look after).

HI Alfie, hope you're feeling ok today and it's good to hear from people who've had similar experiences and come out the other side.

I personally don't accept that men don't feel the bond we do during pregnancy, I think it depends on teh man and that applies to mummies to be too.

My hubby talks to our baby, sings to him, pretends he's having a private conversation him him thati'm not allowed to listen to and has a lovely little bond there. He described feeling him kick on the outside for the first time as the best day of his life. I think it depends on how much effort these men are prepared to put in and i'm very lucky that mine is very hands on and has seen fatherhood as starting from the minute I became pregnant.

I'm not trying to me smug or rub it in but to say that you're not being unreasonable to have some expectations of yours. To be honest, i'd feel totally let down if the actual baby arriving wa sthe only thing that got his arse in gear as i'd feel a bit sad that me, his wife and mother to his child, wasn't worth a bit of tlc. I really really hope things work out for you but I didn't want you thinking you were being unreasonable, painting a bleak picture etc. You clearly have self respect and rightfully expected a little more xx