I have had quite an emotional day and think I will have a little cry whilst writing this...the reasons being my husband works away and has just gone back away after having 5 weeks at home with us. Ryan is 16 weeks old now. OH was home for birth and first 3 weeks then away for 2 months. His rota is 2 months away, 1 month at home. Its harder than ever now. I miss him terribly and he only went this morning! I feel so sad for my little boy as he loves his daddy and I just hope he is too young to really notice the times away. I know they can be sensitive to changes though.

Secondly I had to return to work 3 days ago and I just dont want to be there. It is too early and I underestimated how hard things would be. Fortunately I am speaking to my boss on Monday about reducing my hours because I just cant bear to be away from my little man. And I just feel SO guilty leaving him, what with his daddy away then me at work! (the reason I have gone back to work so soon is after 18 weeks unpaid leave applies here and also we were hoping my OH would get work at home; but that hasnt worked out). Anyway, my mum has given up work to be our childcare which is great as I work shifts. But I am quite anxious about it all now. She has had 4 children but seems to have lost confidence. I have no worriea at all about her looking after my lo, playing, out for walks, feeding etc. but its just the signs I know like when hes getting tired etc. She loves him obviously and has his best interests at heart at all times I know. But I just wish it was ME looking after him all the time. And tonight she came round to do the bedtime routine. He was fine but took longer to settle and I just wanted to go in and take over, but I had to wait out because mum will be putting him to bed some days when I am working. Its so upsetting as I should be doing it all. It wasnt so bad this week as my husband was home and looking after him and that, I am totally relaxed about.

Then to top it all my lo had his 3 jab's today! He was fine though.

Just needed to get that off my chest. Had no idea how hard all this was going to be and how protective the mothering instinct would be. I love him so much and I so wish I could continue doing everything for him like up til now. I know we all have to move on but at 4 months, hes still so small and I wish I had at least another 2 months off work....anyway, I have to be strong and get on with it and hope it wont be long til I can cut my hours.

What a lucky little chap he is, to have such a loving mum!!
Hope everthing gets sorted with work, by reducing your hours. Have a lovely weekend together.

BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Awhh i cant imagine how that'd feel, and i hope you can get things sorted with work. I hope it starts to feel better for you soon. xxxxx

That must be so hard not seeing your husband for so long. Try to remember you're still a great mum that has to work. If you didn't work, you wouldn't be able to afford the life you have. Your lo will still love you unconditionally and his face will light up every evening/morning/weekend he sees you. It's great your mum can help you. Maybe try to think of how you are going to use some of your wages on a really special day out for your two special men in your life? A trip to the zoo? A day at the seaside? It will mean that the hours at the office will have a positive focus, not just paying the gas bill!
Good luck, I really sympathise.