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A temporary Farewell. *might be uncomfortable reading*
1 to 20 of 31 messages
16/02/2009 at 05:58
Just a (very long) update to say thanks and we'll miss you for a bit.
As you know things with the in laws are not good, with MIL being the worst for interfering etc... I spent two years trying to put up with them nicely, with a few quiet words where she promised to back off, and then gritting my teeth when three days later she was pestering and mithering us again. I figured FB was a safe enough place to have a rant with my friends after MIL had asked twice in two days if she could come up- simply writing that the MIL should wait until she was invited up instead of pestering to come up all the time after promising to back off (repeatedly promising and never actually backing off - over a period of two years) I also wrote that I was fed up of my bump being mauled by her all the time but that apparently me ranting about it made me selfish and not considerate of others feelings but that I didn't care as their feelings were not my first priority... (Which they bloody aren't)
Well, some stranger that I have never heard of, but is apparently the son of a friend of MIL saw it - he isn't on my friends list and my security was set to the highest it could be without stopping all my friends from seeing anything... He decided to tell MIL what I had written.
However, and I have no idea what he actually told her I'd written because she wont tell anyone, he didn't tell her the truth by the sounds of it. He told her I had said something that she is now classing as -unrepeatable'. So when OH rang her Thursday night to let her know about Ollie being poorly again, she started ranting about how upset she was and how she had been upset all week (my status was like that for 1 night, Tues night... Hmm) about what I'd written, and that all her friends/family had seen it and knew what I'd written - I don't know any of her friends so they couldn't have -seen' it, and if they did know then either she had told them to extract sympathy from them, or her so called friend was telling people behind her back... not much a friend in that case then.....
So my wonderful OH decided to side with her and stormed out of the house without actually asking me about anything, taking our internet router with him (what that is going to do I have no idea as now were paying for net we don't have and he seemed to miss more than me over the weekend! lol) . He spent the night accusing me of all sorts, including being psychologically unfit to look after my own children, and informed me he would be getting lawyers and SS involved so that he could get custody, but that he also wanted a paternity test on both children. Please bear in mind he said all this because I upset his mother. No other reason (he even admits that now)
I spoke to his sister, who said she could see my point of view, and that maybe it was for the best that this had happened now so everything could get sorted. She said that she understood exactly how her mum could be, but that she though OH did truly love me and was just reacting and that he would calm down.
I spent most of Friday too scared to leave the house incase he decided to change the locks if I did, and trying to sort out things incase I needed to find alternative housing and working out what I could claim or was entitled to, looking at the worst case scenario.
The disbelief that my OH could side with his mother started to turn to resentment that he had sided with his mother, once again, and was taking things so far because of her, without even considering my feelings. I couldn't eat as it made me feel physically sick, so had to resort to taking a double dose of vitamin tablets so that the baby wasn't being harmed (hopefully not harmed!) and could still take what she needed.
I also tried to discuss the possibility of counselling with him (I've told him before after a row that I think he needs it as he keeps expecting me to walk out on him, or telling me to leave him, like his mum and dad split up when he was younger)
On Friday I asked him if I needed to look for somewhere else to live, and he ignored that. Then half an hour later he turned around and told me I'd have to work out how to let his mother see Missy after she was born. (WTF??? I'm talking about possibly having to find somewhere for me and our children to live and he's bothered about his mum seeing Missy!?! At the moment she can go to hell before she sees her.)
Come Saturday he had calmed down a bit, and we actually managed to sit down and talk. We booked an appointment with a councillor to help us sort things out, and he actually admitted that maybe he hadn't looked at anything from my point of view for a while. Result I almost hear you shout - except it's got to this point before he's realised this.
At the moment we're sort of ok, ish. We're talking, and actually being affectionate to each other (a long time since Oh has shown me any affection like this). OH was almost ready to buy a new house on Sat, until I explained to him that moving house wouldn't solve all our problems but would put us under more financial strain than we are already under (although were not doing too badly at the moment, ask me how were doing after paying for the councillor :roll: )
MIL rang on Saturday to ask how things were going - TBH I think she has a bloody nerve to ring and ask that at the moment. But she is away on holiday this week so that's one less thing to worry about - I don't want to have to think about her until we have at least seen the counc once if not twice, and I certainly don't think I should have to think about how and when she gets to see my baby girl until closer to the time.
There are still lots of issues - because Oh is upset that I upset his mum he's decided to try and hurt my dad by restricting his visits to Ollie - he only sees him once every 4-6 weeks as it is, (and the MIL is usually there taking over everything so he hardly sees him then anyway) but OH has decided that this is too much... well it'll work the same for his mother as well if he decides to keep it like that. I'm still upset because I know there are lots of things I need to say to him, but at the moment I don't feel like I can say them without someone else present..... I don't think he'd understand or even try to - how do you explain to a man that adores his mother that much that this resentment of her; and his relationship with her being more important (or seemingly more important) to him than me; that it started before Ollie was born because she was up every weekend (yes every weekend) mauling Ollie's bump, then she wore a white (think 2nd wedding style) dress on my wedding day, that she is constantly asking if Ollie can stay at her house, that she is always ringing to say they're just -calling in' on their way past - by past I mean they are taking a detour of 40 miles to -call in' - that even after she has promised not to buy new toys for Ollie every week he gets a new toy every week.... That even after she has promised to back off she is still ringing asking if she can come up...... that when she is told that I have a condition that means I cant lift etc she decides that even when MY son is asking for me to hold him she refuses to let me hold him, and that wallpaper paste and pans just do not mix! (Her excuse - its stainless steel so I thought it would be ok after I chucked a bit of bleach in it...but she didn't, just washed it before making the dinner in it! ARGH!) How do you explain to the OH that his blind ignorance of her constant pressure was making me feel far too claustrophobic in my own house, and that i dreaded every time the phone rang in case is was her.
I know some of you will be sat there thinking, well she got her comeuppance now (she meaning me) and that I shouldn't have written anything on my FB wall. But I honestly ask you - if telling them to their face for over two years hasn't worked then what the hell would?
Ollie is getting better at the moment, although he has taken to sleeping under his cot bed - obv a sign that us arguing has had an effect on him. My main priorities are to try and sort out me and OH and the rows, to ensure my sons happiness. I couldnt care less if anyone else other than us three (soon to be 4) are happy.
His tonsillitis seems to be clearing up, and his eye and ear drops are clearing his infections there... he is being tested for autism as soon as the appointments come through, but were hoping that he gets an all clear on that and its just the number of infections and illnesses he's had that have set him back.
Anyway, I can get online at the library, and can occasionally hook onto a neighbours connection (they know about it but they have a limited thing on their net so have to use it when they aren't) so I might be able to try and catch up at times. I can at least check my emails a couple of times a week. :roll:
Sorry this has been so long, and sorry if its made uncomfortable reading, but just as a warning to anyone that might be having difficulties with their in laws - get them sorted. And make sure its all in writing before you end up at the same point we are. I wish my MIL had kept the promises she made and we wouldn't be here now, and I really wish that she wasn't trying to pit my OH against me (which she is - other details that just don't need going into) or trying to take my children (has offered to look after them if OH gets custody - not pushing us or encouraging us towards getting help..... :evil: )
This is simply copied and pasted from my -diary' that I've decided to keep to help myself through this, which is why it is so long, and OH can read it should he ever want to.
I hope we can work through these things, and I am certainly still intending on coming to the big meet (although i prob wont be bringing the OH!) so will try to look for updates on that.
Wishing you all much love, hope your lo's are all well.
Hopefully speak to you soon.
Edited: 11/01/2011 at 05:45
3855 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 06:14
Oh dear hunni. What an awfull time you have had!! I cant believe he asked for paternity tests, im sorry but i would have left!!
I really hope things start looking up for you all and your mil keeps her bloody nose out from now on!!! xxxxx
16/02/2009 at 06:16
What a rubbish time you've had. Hope things are on the up. Take care and hopefully OH will start to see things differently when it ocmes to the MIL. S x
2741 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 06:28
Awh hun, I wish I was close enough to give you a big hug!! Take care of you and Oli and little Missy, you are the most importnant things. I'm sure Oli's autism tests will be fine, he didn't seem like an autistic little boy to me and I'm not sure that he is very far behind where Millie was at the same age. You've got my email if you need to talk.
Take care hun
6460 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 06:34
o my good god! you poor thing, its hard enough being pregnant with out having to put up with all that crap.
i really dont know what to say honey, i dont-i am completely shocked by your oh behaviour. how dare he?????xxx
12032 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 06:35
Wow what a rough time you've had. Def sounds like someone has been shit-stirring and your mil revelled in it trying to get sympathy from all and sundry.
And as for your oh.........he has obviously got some troubles that he taken out on you. Asking for a paternity test is ridiculous, unless he has a trust issue which is what his "outburst" is all about.
You certainly don't need this aggravation when you are pg. Your oh should certainly know this as well as your mil.
My oh & I had a major fall out last week over a family argument. He went ballistic over nothing really and told me to "f*** off and leave" and he hated me etc. So I sort of know how you feel but you definately had it a lot worse. I hope you can sort this out by whatever means. Maybe you all need to sit down (inc mil) and sort any differences out once and for all if you feel up to it.
Thinking of you.....(((hugs))) xx
5159 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 06:40
if it was me i would of left oh has he only seems to care for his mum and the things he has said too you are well out off order even if he was just upset over his mum, i would of left him,tehn maybe he will finally see sense... sorry not much help but i cant imagen any man of your child takien his mother side after al that she has put you through xxx
914 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 06:45
oh sweetheart you really need the support from us now. just look after yourself and your bump and your darling ollie i have to keep all my opinions to myself regarding family otherwise i feel it would be the end for us too xxxxx
1879 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 06:49
OMG! I can't believe what you are going through! My MIL can be a total nightmare at times but if my hubby stuck up for her like your has I would be furious!!
I hope you can get some counselling together and come out of this all the stronger, it would be such a shame if she spoilt things for your family and such a selfish thing of her to do. xxx
3606 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 07:02
I had to reply this as it quite close to home at the moment, nothing as bad as what you are having to go through but I can really sympathise with your situation. At the moment I have banned my MIL from our house for reasons I won't bore you with. Hubby can take our son to visit her but until she sorts herself out, she will not be welcome here. I'm lucky in the sense that my husband has opened his eyes and really seen what his mother is like so understands why i'm angry with her and my reasons for banning her.
I have to be really honest here with you Stephe, unless your husband is going to back you up, nothing is going to get solved. His mum will always have the upper hand if she knows her son will back her up over you. I have very nearly slated my MIL on fb but just managed to delete when I realised it would have got back to her. Is your hubby an only child? My husband is, so MIL puts all her attention on him, and now our son. He came back from a visit to hers laden with toys and sweets including Skittles, I mean what f*%king sane person gives a 3 year old Skittles, is she purposely trying to choke him! For xmas she got him amoung many other noisy toys an electric keyboard and drum set! She even joked about all the noise it would make and I'd even up hating her for it! Sorry getting slightly mad now!
But honestly hun you really need to get hubby on board. Him taking the router and limiting visits for your dad is just not on. You have to stand your ground. Sounds like she has him wrapped around her little finger. I really do hope the counselling helps in some way. Come and rant away about her on here! xxx
676 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 07:16
Hi hon, not sure if you got my text or not.
Thinking of you lots xxxx
3024 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 07:41
Really sorry things are so tough at the moment- you're certainly being dragged through the mill and I sympathise greatly as I know how horrible MILS can be.
Take care and look after yourself, Ollie and Missy and hope to hear good news from you soon.
2880 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 08:06
Thats awful I hate interefering inlaws, my oh often sides with them over me and it pisses me off big time too. I hope you feel better soon and that baby is ok
Hopefully youll be back soon
1272 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 08:19
I cant believe she is putting you through this stress hen 1) your son has been quite unwell recently and 2) you are pregnant.
Firstly, your partner needs to put you first before his mother. has something been burdening him recently. Sorry but to storm out and tell you to leave/paternity test etc on something you said about his mum in my mind is out of order.
'He spent the night accusing me of all sorts, including being psychologically unfit to look after my own children, and informed me he would be getting lawyers and SS involved so that he could get custody'
Sorry, but whats he thinking????? Why suddenly say that. I think there are some issues here that your oh is not telling you.
Are you able to get your sister to explain to her mum that you need time to yourself. With tommy being poorly and you pregnant you want some space to breathe and spend quality time with Tommy
Whats your mil like to his sister?
I think it is a good idea about the diary. helps you to offload stress. Have you considered writing a letter to your hubby to tell him how you are feeling. Also that tommy is your son and you want some space. Im sure his grandparents didnt visit him daily. I have sometimes found that writing a letter for some reason hits men the facts than saying it face to face.
Try having the discussions with oh when Tommy is in bed. Like you have already mentioned, he can sense when thinks arent right and his mummy isnt happy.
Thinking of you xxx
1979 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 08:25
So sorry that you are going through this. Hope your ok x
1577 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 08:32
poor you, I really feel for you, I remember your post about your sil wearing the dress to your wedding, does your oh not realise that by posting stuff on fb or on here what you are actually doing is airing your feelings in a harmeless way by not taking it straight to his mother. His mother sounds like a complete control freak and I understand just how you feel about her becuase mine is the same, it has taken several years for my hubby to realise that she has done nothing but cause me untold upset and misery and try to take over. For example when I was expecting my first (who is 12 now) she offered me a piece of cake, I said no becuase I wasnt hungry and she went round telling everyone how selfish I was to be restricting my diet when I was pregnant and not giving my baby the nutrients it needed and that I would have an underweight and undernourished baby, anyone who knew me well knew what complete crap that was as one thing I dont do is restrict my diet ever let alone when I am pregnant, showed her as wrong anyway coz he was 9lb 10oz when he was born.
Concilling sounds like a good idea as your hubby sounds like he has a few security issues where you are concerned, also sounds as though he is a bit scared of standing up to his mother.
Really hope you sort it all out and that Ollie is feeling a bit better now xx
3730 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 08:37
oh hun. He is bang out of order and sounds like he needs to grow up, no offence but that;s the way he comes across. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this crap when ollie has been ill on and off for some time and when you are pregnant. I really hope you can resolve it somehow. I have to say I agree with Cat - how can you ever sort it if he won't back you up when it is so clear you are right?
I hope to see some better news from you when you have it. you sound like you are trying your hardest to resolve it. take care of you, ollie and missy. hope you get some answers about the autism thing soon.
take care and massive hugs to you all.
7479 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 09:30
hi Stephe, sorry to hear your having a tough time with things, chin up hopefully your OH has started to see some sense now, all this is the last thing you need when pregnant.
Take care of yourself and your little ones
381 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 09:34
So sorry to hear of all the trouble you are going through. Hope things get sorted soon xx
298 forum posts
16/02/2009 at 10:05
OUCHIES! that is damn harsh! in a way i'm kinda glad i don't have that prob, cos unforch my OH lost both his parents in his teens. But man she needs to back off and take a chill pill seriously! as does your OH its no good being tide to his mothers apron strings! :roll: I seriously hope you can resolve these issues especially for the kids sakes. Take care and huge huggles
338 forum posts
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