This is a massive post - but PLEASE PLEASE someone read it. I'm almost at the end =(.

I'm 23, my partner is 19. We have a 10 month old daughter. When my partner was pregnant, my mother and grandmother advised her to abort, citing the usual reasons of us being so young and having no money etc. As a result, though, my partner cut all contact with my mum and my gran. Now the baby's here, my mum was frozen out of her life for the first 7 months, but in the last three months she has been seeing her a few times a month. My gran has never been allowed to see her. The whole thing has ruined me and my partner's relationship, we have been separated but living together for a few months now. In truth, I've never had full freedom with my daughter to take her to see whom I want, for example when my partner's in work. I've said everything I can think of to my partner to get her to come round, but there is nothing doing.

My partner has recently been verbally abusive to my mum and things looked ready to go to court. But last night my partner turned around and cried for hours because she wanted us to be back together. But even then, she still wasn't willing to compromise and let me have freedom to take my little girl to see these people. I'm not sure how much feelings I have left for my partner anymore, given everything that has gone on, especially if she is still not willing to compromise. I can't bear to see her put through any pain, like me leaving, but I just want people to get along and for my girl to see her gran and great gran freely, I've run out of things to say - i don't know how to go on. When my partner cried last night, I told her we could make a go of things, but realistically, it's not going to work without her making the compromise, but I feel if she was going to make it she would have made it already.

I don't want to leave - it will kill me to see her upset. But I don't want things to continue as they are. I've done all I can to get my partner to understand that I want these people in my daughter's life, but it's not worked. I don't know what to do. And now my family, who have been so supportive over the last few weeks especially when I've been considering court action, are going to be distraught when i tell them I've offered to give things another go with my partner. I just don't know what to do.

Please, someone. Advice. =(

Thanks

[Modified by: r_dad on 30 March 2009 11:04:51 ]

Hiya such a difficult situation

but i do know exactly how she feels. I got pregnant at 19 and my own mother and father tried to convince me to do the same thing until i was 6 months pregnant and they snubbed me when i continued my pregnancy.

So i cut all ties with them and other family members

it is a difficult decision to make but its to protect your child.

You and her need to compromise about your daughter but you also need to realise that she is doing all of this for a reason, the way i see it is they wanted the baby gone until it was actually born and now they want things their way.

Your partner is very hurt and you know what they say time is a healer.

Just talk to her rationally and slowly slowly maybe she will let you take your daughter to your mothers

but dont force it, your relationship is very important for both your daughters and your own sake.

You have a family with them now so do whats best for you and them and not other people

hope this helps

thanks for your response CharlotteandFaith. I do understand whyshe feels like that. My mum was against it until I laid it down clearly for her - either she accepts it and supports us, or she'll risk not seeing the baby or me. After that, my mum came round and was supportive. We found out about pregnancy at 3 months, my mum had come round within 3/4 weeks and was supporting from about 4 months along. She offered to buy things for baby, asked if we needed anything, but my partner had completely shut her out. She does see the baby a few times a month, and i have agreed with my partner that i can go over in my own time to go see her. so that is good. the issue with my gran having never seen her still bites at me. She did say one thing worse than my mum, in her shock at the news she said, awfully, "maybe you'll lose it." it was an awful thing to say. Is that unforgivable though? My gran is 89... senile... old fashioned... and probably doesnt even remember what she said.

I'm a peace maker. I'll always try and get peace all round. I understand the commitment i have to make to my immediate family, but should it have to be at the compromise of having my gran not see the baby at all?

Hi ya r_dad, when reading through it all again i think you just need to sit down with your partner and explain to her that even though you do support her wishes and you are on her side that it would be beneficical for your daughter to get to know all family.

It will show you are being fair to both sides.

She needs to realise that the grudge she holds is between her and your nan/mother it is not the babies fault and she should not have to suffer because of it

hope this helps

hi CharlotteandFaith, it does help a lot. That's what I've been trying to do , which is why things are grinding to a halt. She wants me to make the decision to choose our daughter over my gran. Of course i know who comes first, but in this situation I'm a great believer that that's not a choice you should have to make, between two relatives.

I went to see a solicitor a few days ago and got some free advice - unbeknown to my partner for now, and the rest of my family has been supporting of that route. However, now I've agree with my partner that we will give things another go, but i fear now the backlash from my family. They've seen my partner do & say a lot she shouldn't have down the years and i think they would prefer i take myself out of the firing line by calling it a day. I can understand why they think like that, but my mind is really undecided on this. I don't want things to go as far as court, but I'm not sure where my head lies in terms of our relationship continuing. It would be nice if we could get things back to good, but I only see it being that way if everyone I want to be involved is involved. But that's not going to happen because my partner has stressed more than clearly enough that my gran will never see our daughter, and I don't see how else I can push her opinion on that =(

i tried to post earlier, but BE ate it!!

i take it you are named on the birth certificate hun, then you have the same parental rights as the mother of your baby.

do you want to be in a relationship? or is it a case of your hoping that by carrying on and being with her, cos thats what she wants, suddenly she will change her mind, i hate to say this, but i dont think she will.

she needs to understand that everyone is entitled to an opinion, and we can either listen to it, or choose to ignore it, your mum and grandmum said that maybe you were too young, and she is sort of proving this by acting this way,

if she wants to show she is mature enough, and prove this to them she needs to stop acting like a child and "with holding" something like your daughter.

if you do decide that being with her is not best for you, you should still be able to have access rights, and you should be able to choose yourself where you take your daughter,

no court will argue with the fact that your "extended family" are involved in the upbringing of your daughter, that you are involving her in a family group that so many children need,

does your "girlfriend" have a relationship with her own family?
i have to admit, when i told my mum i was pregnant last year at the age of 37, she was furious at me, told me she was happy with the grand children she had, and clearly was not impressed. when i misscarried 5 weeks later she was devestated, people do say things in the heat of the moment and regret them later,

one more thing, after my major essay...

i bet your nan and gran brought things for baby when she was born and for xmas.....

In my opinion, I'd act the exact same way she has. An abortion isn't an answer its a selfish thing that people do when they havent used contraception. I think its a decision one should make entirely on their own, and it's NOBODYS place at all, to tell someone else to get one. Look at your daughter now, I bet she is beautiful, and if she was aborted she would have been sucked out with something similar to a hoover! No wonder your ex/partner whatever is upset and cant speak to ur mum and nan, and swears at them, it has probably messed up her head after what they said. Have they apologized or anything? Because even if she was to take the step forward to make the reationsip work, its not all her job, your mum and nan should apologize, and tell her they regret ever saying it as now their granddaughter is born they couldnt imagine life without her.
EmmyEm... Maybe his nan and mum did buy things for the baby at xmas etc but what does that prove? MOney means nothing, at the end of the day they both wanted the baby not to exist, in other words wanter her to be dead.
I dont 100% hate people who abort and if a close friend wanted to do it I'd have to support them in their own decision, but for other people to try and advise others I just think its out of order. Could never do it myself.

Hi I feel for your situation, peacemaker is never the easy role. Personally, I feel that your top priority is your lo. I don't know your history, but if you have a chance of making your relationship work, you should. The best thing for lo is to have mum and dad together ( I mean this to be nothing against single parents). Extended family is extremely important, but lo's parents are the most important thing to them.

Try committing to her - you may find that once you do that the rest will follow with time. Try the softly softly approach - if she believes she & lo are your top priority, she may well stop pressurising you to choose between her and yr mum/nan.

Us women can be wily creatures- she maybe looking for proof that you love her and lo more than anyone else? I think it is obvious from your post that you care about all your family very much, and need to sort out your own priorities. Good luck xx

im not saying money means everything,

my whole reason for saying that was about trying to make amends, not about throwing money around.

im sure this post was about wanting advice, and not about the rights and wrongs of if someone should have a termination. people have them for all sorts of reasons, and shouldnt be judged if they decide thats the way for them,

r-dad, i hope that you find a solution, remember you do have rights

I personally think what your mum and nan said was extreamly offensive and your partner may have taken it more personally against her than was intended. Maybe what people were saying was they felt you two were not in the position to have another one but what she heard is "we don't want YOU having a baby with my son/grandson". I know that sounde wierd but this is how us women work. What you say is one thing what we hear is another and therefore what she thought is that they hate her and that is why she does not want anything to do with thyem and personally I would not want my children around someone who did not like me. My nan didn't like my dad and would say horrible things to my and my brother about him. It didn't work on me but totally brainwashed my brother against my dad so I kind of get why she doesn't want her daughter around them.

If you really want your mum and nan in their lives more then you need to talk with your partner and find out if she does feel rejected by your family and they might actually not have to make the effort with your daughter but with her. The fact they are so happy for you to leave her tells me the whole story they hate her and she knows it simple as that. Honestly if you are going to choose them over your partner then you didn't love her that much in the first place and I think you should leave as you are not going to do your child any favours being in a unhappy relationship.

I can completely understand why your partner has reacted in this way. Your mum and grandmother said some very unkind and nasty things to her, none of us are perfect and all of us say things in the heat of the moment. I think that you need to talk to your partner, she clearly wants things to work with you but bridges need to built with your mum and gran, they need to apologise for the things that they have said and done to her, words can be very hurtful. they also need to learn to accept her and they need to work hard to prove they accept her, only then will she start to accept and forgive them.
I really hope it all works out well for you but I also think it is going to be a long journey. all the best xx

I think you should be more understanding of your partner to be honest, as let me tell you if anyone ever suggested to me that I abort my baby (I am only young myself, got pregnant at 21, my partner is 24) I would do more than verbally abuse them!

What would she tell your child when they grow up?
"Hi this is your grandma. She wanted you dead" ?
The fact you say you found out about the pregnancy at 3 months only makes it 100 x worse to be. At three months, the baby, your daughter, was fully formed, with fingers, toes, eyes and a beating heart. And your mum was telling her she should kill that life, kill your daughter.

No one has the right to tell ANYONE else what they would do with their own body, or their child, and to be honest, I totally understand why your girlfriend is acting and feeling the way she is, and understand why she doesnt want them seeing the kid.
I think you should understand and support her, not let it cause arguments, cause as the mother of your child, she should come first.

Your family sound selfish! You say that they will be 'distraught' when you tell them you may give things another go with your partner.
Distraught why? Surely the most important person here is the child. And whats best for the child is mom and dad to be together. So that news should make them happy!!

Sorry, but you asked for opinions and I never sugar coat things.

Hope it all gets sorted.

[Modified by: Lucretia on April 06, 2009 06:01 PM]

its a hard one, - if my mother in law said that to me i would to not let my son see them either they didnt want her to go a head with the pregnancy only until they knew they couldnt change her mind to abort the baby so they had to accept it really didnt they?
but if it was me now and my hubby really wanted the gran and great gran to be involved then i would let them see her now because i do thing grandparents should be a part of the childs life but i would only if they apoligist and meant it!! and maybe supervised has i can imagen how over protected she is over her little girl

also i think you should think of your partner feelings a little more...
ps and yeh i agree that your gran is old and i have grandparents that are very old fashioned and say things without thinking or realizing how much offense they can cause.. good luck hope ur gf comes round xxx

In my opinion if you do want your relationship to work out then your priority has to lie with your daughter & your partner. I can understand why your partner feels the way she does, I would probably feel the same in her position. I understand that things have been said on both sides that shouldnt have been but your partner was young & also pregnant which probably left her feeling vulnerable, your mum & gran should have risen above that. Your daughetr is only 10 months so these feelings are probably very raw in your partners mind at the minute. The fact that she is giving your mum a bit of contact is a start & hopefully that will increase with time when the relationship & trust has built up between your partner & your mum. What does worry me though is the fact that your family seem to be more supportive of going through the courts rather than for you working things out (if that is what you want to do of course) with your partner. I think like the other girls have suggested you really do need to sit down & talk calmly to your partner about how you feel, listen to how she feels & try to come to some sort of compromise with eachother. Maybe your partner already feels that she is compromising by letting your mum see your daughter. Its unfortunate if this is what is ruining your relationship & sometimes its impossible to please everyone so I guess what you have to decide is who means the most to you. I know I would like to think that my husband would support me over his mum if we had a disagreement though admittedly it did take him a while to realise that.

I really hope you both work something out

I agree with most of what other people have said on here. However, you have gone behind your partners back by going to a solicitor and NOT telling her. She will be very hurt and upset by that and feel she can't trust you. That will also affect how she feels about letting your Mum and Gran see the baby. You should be putting your partner first IF you love her? I don't see much evidence of that in your post. So, perhaps you should not be together as rowing and tension affects children, whatever age they are. Your family should apolagise if they mean it. Perhaps they could write your GF a letter, to start with? I am a Mum of 4 grown up boy's and I know that their partners come 1st. I'm also a Nan, so I have alot of experience. You need to sort out your relationship with your GF before anything else and your baby should come 1st.

hi well i think i agree with everyone that i would do the same ....my mil and sil were devastated when my oh told them we were expecting our ds .....didnt speak to us for weeks and my mil sobbed saying it was terrible! we lived together for 3 years before he arrived ...i let them see him but they soon got bored and when we told them i was pregnant again guess what ....they totally over reacted and cried blah blah blah ....they are no longer a part of mine or my childrens lives so i totally sympathise with ure g/f and think maybe if u love her and ure daughter u should stand by them as it seems ure mum and gran wouldnt be happy no matter who u were with ....mums have a tendency to want to hold on to their "little boys" ...i dont think going behind her back to a soliciter is the answer because whether u have rights as a dad or not ure mum and gran have no right especially as they wanted her to "kill" ure daughter simply because they were too scared to let go of u (sorry if that sounds harsh but that is the long and short of mothers and sons) i really hope u can sort it out and really think in the long run if u love each other dont let family break u xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi

I think of you are trying to find a way forward it would be worth considering relationship counselling eg Relate - at least then you can both clarify how you feel and can talk to someone who is impartial and experienced in dealing with these sort of issues.

Sometimes there is no perfect answer but I wish you the best of luck and hope you find the best way forward.

Mx

first of all i think you are great. not many dads have that emotional bond that quickly. one thing it is possible to have prenatal depression as well as postnatal. she seems confused.its worth looking into. many families have had to cope with either but you need support. she seems fixated on those two women ,ask yourself are the reasons justified or again is there an underlying cause. please stick with your caring attitude your daughter will love you for it forever.she wont be small for long and i have a 16 yr old now and wonder where did the time go. make some time for yourself ,get out for a game of football ,walk anything but o course dont do anything like drink too much etc,i hope you ask for help ,cause dad needs support too. all the luck ,she is a lucky girl to have a good man!!!

id get yourself a solisitor they will try and make her come to some agreement with you amicable (which would give u more freedom with your daughter) before going to court its worth a shot because she would have no choice but to listen and compamise with you once solisitors r involved xx

i personally agree with most of what has been said on here. i will remember my pregnancy for the rest of my life and is as important as every stage of my childs life. for someone to have said to kill my baby from 3 months whilst being pregnant is as bad as telling me to kill my child at 3 months old. he is still living, heart beating and moving at 3 months in the womb as 3 months out. if anyone was to say that to me whilst being pregnant, i would have to say i would probably do more than cut them out of my childs life, and although your gran is old, to say maybe she'll lose it is horrendous. a love for a child starts from the moment you find out, it cant just miraculously appear when you realize, opps she wont listen to us. i think you need to look at it from another view point, yes you love your mother and gran, but remember, everytime you look at your beautiful daughter, they didnt want her on this earth. i think you should stop going behind your partners back and support her as im sure she must feel awful knowing that your doing this to support people who never wanted your daughter here in the first place

Hello
I haven't read throigh all the replies so apoligies if I repeat anyone.

To me you don't sound happy in your decision to stay with your girlfriend. Therefore in the long run you will become unhappy and the role of peace maker you play will be even harder. My advice would be is to sort your relationship, how ever you choose to go, with your girlfriend and daughter. Once that is established you could try and sort the situation with your extended family. Untill you, your girlfriend and daughter are sorted the rest will never happen. Sorry to say.

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