Im sorry, this is going to be a rant but I cant sit in silence no more.

I have a daughter who is 17 months and just had a son who is 6 weeks. I thought it was baby blues but after reading the messages on here I fear its worse. does anyone else feel like this...
I dont love my daughter like i used to. I dont feel any emotional connection to my son. I take care of him because I have to, not because I enjoy it. I sometimes cant bear him touching me and stopped breastfeeding because of this and when I was giving it up I was punching, pinching and scratching my breasts until they were brused and bleeding. One night I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor crying with a kitchen knife against my thigh. It was so hard not to cut myself.
Things are going bad with my partner. Im constantly telling him that I hate him and the kids and regret ever meeting him. Im also so worried that he will find out he isnt their father even though Ive never cheated. Worst of all is that im worried im gonna harm my baby, with all this Baby P issue in the press Im scared that if I talk to my GP she'll refer me to the social and they'll take them away from me. I know i wouldn't hurt him ever but its there in my mind, I think this is why im doing it to myself instead??

This is just a fraction of what im feeling and reading over it Im discustded in myself. some of the things that go through my mind I cant tell anyone because then its real. Im going to print this out and take it to my GP because Im too ashamed to say it out loud.

Claire

dear claire, i couldn't read this and run, and although i have absolutely no experience of post natal depression i think that your doing the right thing in going to seek help for thre way you are feeling. if your not keen to see the doctor i'm sure your health visitor or even your midwife would be happy to talk with you and offer you some advice, i hope that you do get the support that you need and are feeling happier about everything soon... sorry i don't have any words of wisdom i'm sure others on here will, best wishes

Thank you Smitch, I wont go and see my health visitor because they are really patronising. They made me feel like a stupid bad mum when my daughter was newborn and she lost a few ounces. I havent even taken him to be weighed yet. Just the thought of sitting in that room with everyone looking at eachother makes me feel sick.
This is crap! Im looking at him now and I feel nothing. He did his first smile the other day and I looked away. Poor little man doesnt know anything. i should be the person who loves him more than anything but i just dont

I have no experience of postnatal depression...
But these feelings you obviuosly know are not 'right'...
I would go and speak to a GP hun or even another family member maybe not your OH...
Please please go and get the help x

Ah hun, don't feel ashamed.....it's not anything u could have stopped, these feelings & thoughts, it's a sickness....a treatable sickness and with time & help, u will get better.

I have PND & can totally understand the 'detached' feelings, the 'running on autopilot', the feeling that everybody will be better off without u there.......this is some of the things PND does to you. It's an imbalance of hormones messing with ur brain etc.....counselling will help as will anti depressants. Best thing I ever did was talking to my gp & being honest as this was the way I got the help I really needed.

Re ur husband......if u find it hard to tell him what's going on, at first, get him to read ur posts....and the replies of support. U need his love & support as well hun xx

Thank you for your thoughts. Ive just booked an appointment to see GP and ive written all my thoughts down so she can see it. I will also let my partner read it but im dreading seeing his face because i think he thinks its normal for me to be a bit down. I will update later after what the doc says. thank you again!

Thank you for your thoughts. Ive just booked an appointment to see GP and ive written all my thoughts down so she can see it. I will also let my partner read it but im dreading seeing his face because i think he thinks its normal for me to be a bit down. I will update later after what the doc says. thank you again!

I dont know how I put that on twice!

[Modified by: ClaireTyler on February 27, 2009 11:58 AM]

Hey Claire, i'm glad you're seeking help it's a step in the right direction but i know exactly how you feel i had this after my first daughter was born, i'd scream at her and just shut her in the bedroom and leave her to scream and scream and scream, i totally hated her for making me so ill---cos i was rushed back into hospital 10 days post-partem with a DVT and PE and i was very ill. The amount of times i felt like commiting suicide or just walking out and leaving her and never come back, eventually my OH made me go to the GP's and i was told i had PND thou i totally denied it, i was given anti-depressants and my OH made me take em, for which i'm thankful thou the bond between me and my eldest DD is still quite weak for which i hate myself for cos it wasn't her fault i got ill, no one not even me realised about this blood condition i have. if you need someone who understands i'm here.

Claire
32+5

Hi there, i felt the same after my son I felt like i didnt love him. I was worried if i told someone anyone the way i felt thay would talk him away from me. I ended up talking to the doc (my son was18 months and she was lovely i took tablets for a while and now i love my son more than i could ever could of dreamed of. I just lay holding im and wish i had something sooner. (he is now 2 and a half) i don't take them any more.
Hope you feel better soon xx

Hi there, i felt the same after my son I felt like i didnt love him. I was worried if i told someone anyone the way i felt thay would talk him away from me. I ended up talking to the doc (my son was18 months and she was lovely i took tablets for a while and now i love my son more than i could ever could of dreamed of. I just lay holding im and wish i had something sooner. (he is now 2 and a half) i don't take them any more.
Hope you feel better soon xx

Ive just got back from the doctors and he has refered me to the mental health team and perscribed me Citalopram. Ive also showed my partner the letter and he started crying because he didnt realise.

Gembags, Im glad your back to normal 1 year on from getting help. thats really reassuring that i wont be doped up on these for the rest of my life!

Taz1982, I sream at my son too and have even called him a little 'c u next tuesday' in the middle of tesco which is discusting and would normally never say that. Ihave walked out once and just roamed the streets for a few hours but i had a panic attack and had to go home.

thank you for all your help

That's good, i'm glad your GP is taking this seriously! i must admit i've never called either of my girls that! gotta say i was lucky the 2nd time out i recognised the symptoms and got myself to the GP b4 it could any worse Citalopram doesn't actually work for me, but sertraline does even this time cos i've had it ante-natel just come off of them! best of luck ducks but if you do need someone i'm always here.

Claire
32+6

The citalopram is making me feel quite weird, Feel kind of spaced out, almost tipsy without the sillyness and has made my skin, eyes and mouth very dry. Not had any bad crying episodes yet but still feel down.
Thank you for all your support!

I had that weird feeling too....for a cpl of days then it eased off. It will take about 2-3wks for the pills to kick in and for u to notice any difference.

I have been on Citalopram since October and I now feel 95% better than before I was on them. I say 95% as I still have off days. We are after all only human beings and not supermums all the time. Hope you are ok xxxxxxxxxx

[Modified by: ccbmommy on March 01, 2009 02:02 PM]

I was so sad reading your post as it took me right back to when I had my girls. I was diagnosed with PND after 8 mths with my 2nd daughter and citalopram and a support group helped and I got better after around 4 or 5 mths. I loved my baby to bits and was over protective of her, but hated my older girl so much, I really did! It was a horrendous time, and a councillor helped me realise I had had undiagnosed pnd with my 1st daughter which was never treated, and thats why I suffered so much the 2nd time round. I sat in my car one day by the side of a busy dual carriageway crying my eyes out waiting for a lorry to come by so I could crash into it. After an hour of sobbing I realised I needed help...

I was very lucky to have a supportive GP who managed my medication well through my 3rd pregnancy and I never got pnd again. I am still on a very low dosage of citalopram as I do get wobbly if I come off them totally, as ccbmommy says, we are only human not supermums.

Stick with them hunnie and you will get better, you will feel differently, just give it time and dont expect too much of yourself.

Here for you of you need to chat
Debbie xx

I was so sad reading your post as it took me right back to when I had my girls. I was diagnosed with PND after 8 mths with my 2nd daughter and citalopram and a support group helped and I got better after around 4 or 5 mths. I loved my baby to bits and was over protective of her, but hated my older girl so much, I really did! It was a horrendous time, and a councillor helped me realise I had had undiagnosed pnd with my 1st daughter which was never treated, and thats why I suffered so much the 2nd time round. I sat in my car one day by the side of a busy dual carriageway crying my eyes out waiting for a lorry to come by so I could crash into it. After an hour of sobbing I realised I needed help...

I was very lucky to have a supportive GP who managed my medication well through my 3rd pregnancy and I never got pnd again. I am still on a very low dosage of citalopram as I do get wobbly if I come off them totally, as ccbmommy says, we are only human not supermums.

Stick with them hunnie and you will get better, you will feel differently, just give it time and dont expect too much of yourself.

Here for you of you need to chat
Debbie xx

hi claire just wondered how you were getting on and if the tablets side affects had settled down and you were feeling any benefit? i hope in time your feeling more yourself all the best..

How's it going feeling any better yet? hope there not giving you too many nasty unwanted effects. Hope to catch up soon!

Claire
34wks today

Hi all!
Im feeling a million times better now thanks. the medication kicked in quite quickly and the health visitor came and did a home visit to check if everything was ok and I mentioned my fear of hurting the baby and she asked the local mental health team to come to see me which i was quite scared about but they were really nice. I have to see a phyciatrist (sp?!) but they said it was just to talk about it to help me get over it mentally.
Things have improved with my paretner and we havent argued all week!!!
For anyone who ios reading this who felt like I did, please write down exactly how you feel and show it to your doctor, they'll get a better idea of the situation and give you the help you need. Im a completly different person to what i was a few weeks ago! Thank you all! x