Dilemma.

I have no idea now whether I am being fair / mean / rational or hormonal at the moment. H and I have had a blazing row re his mum.
(Its worth mentioning that 4 yrs ago when we were moving house the stress got to her (her ex was helping us move too) and she flipped when I made an innocent remark and had to be dragged off me when I had my 7 month old daughter in my arms. She then wrote me a horrid letter saying she never wanted to see me again and if that meant she never saw her son or only granddaughter then fine. She said I was a bad mother and only married her son for the expensive party. He told her she shouldn't ask him to choose because she would lose out but agreed that I would apologise (not sure what for - "i'm sorry if I upset you" was the best I could do) and have bit my tongue every time she sees us for my H's sake. I have welcomed her in my home and let her sleep in my bed and its been all I can do not to go away for the weekend each time just to extract myself from the situation. She still hasn't said what I actually did and pretends it never happened).

Anyway, she has decided that she is coming down to stay in our house for 3 nights immediately after the birth. She has DECIDED, not asked. We have a 2 bed with one reception room. I have said to H this is not OK with me as i have already told my family that although they can visit they will have to book in somewhere else overnight (they all live minimum 5 hrs away inc his mum). I don't need to be sore and feeling tired and yucky with a 4 yr old and a new born whilst also having to look after someone who clearly hates me and her husband.

He says I am being unreasonable and his mum will have to stay because she's going to have to book a room when she goes to visit his brother on Christmas eve and she hasn't the money to book in down here as well. I can't help it. I can't change my opinion. he says I can stay in our bedroom with the baby. For 3 days? I'll be a prisoner in my own house.

I don't think I am wrong for wanting him to put me and our children first. there is an option which is we pay for her room for a couple of nights but to be honest, I don't have the cash either and my family are going to struggle to pay for a room but will manage. I can't pay for hers and then not theirs. I don't want her spending the first three days even without the nights camped out at our house. I can stomach a visit in hospital and maybe a couple of hours at our house but that's it.

I am considering chaining myself and new baby to hospital bed or developing fictitious illness so we don't have to come home til she's gone. This is sending me bananas. How can I get him to tell her she can visit but not stay?

I'm sorry I don't have much advice for you, but didn't want to r&r. I think you are being quite reasonable to not want her to stay just after the birth. My in-laws came to stay just after my lo was born and they are absolutely lovely, but it still felt a little crowded. If I didn't get on with them I would have gone mad!

Is there any way that you can ask her to stay a little while after the birth instead, so that you have some recovery time? Or, if she insists on staying can you say something like, 'oh that willl be great, you can really help by looking after the 4 year old'? And then give her jobs like taking your older child to the park?

I think you should also have a good long chat with your oh about how you feel. Maybe he could have words with his mum about what happened last time, mention how upset you were and try to clear the air a little?

Sorry I can't help more, haven;t been in that situation but I do hope that you get something sorted out.

Hi, sorry you don't get on with MIL but if I was in that situation I wouldn't even have her over to stay if we got on like bestfriends...you need time to yourself to get to know your new arrival...what does she plan on doing when she's there? cuddling the newborn all the time then passing them back to you for all the nasty jobs like pooey nappy changes?! You clearly don't have the space & she hasn't done anything to deserve such a priviledge as coming to stay & so soon...personally I'd tell OH to get stuffed, it's tough if she hasn't got the funds to book in somewhere, she has known you are pregnant & has had time to save! Or should wait until she can afford it...as you don't get on anyway it's not like you will be hurting her feelings for the first time...call her up & tell her it's a no, men are useless & never understand so don't leave it up to OH to tell her.
Good luck!
xxx

Hi hun,

Im from 'baby forum' and I had my baby 5 months ago.
Just before I had my daughter my MIL wanted to cum and stay for 2 wks with us, so she cud 'help' out. I get on really well with my MIL and shes lovely but I had to put my foot down and tell hubby that I just wanted it to b me and him and baby. I cudnt stand anyone telling me I was doing things wrong or it shud be done this way.
I had a quite straight forwad birth, no stitches or tearing. I still felt really rough for afew days. Wen youve had a baby you just want to rest as much as you can, and you shud not b looking after in-laws aswell. Your the one that shud be taken care of.
I think you really need to have a good chat with hubby.
Hope it gets sorted. Good luck with everything.

as helpful as parents and in-laws want to be, i would NEVER have any of them stay with us. Our son is coming in 2 weeks (by induction) and my mum has already offered, to which ive replied, thats a lovelly gesture but once our son is here we want family time, as i'll probably be kept in hosp for 1week+. all of my family lives a good drive away, and they all respect the fact that we need family and settling down time once our son is home. My suggestion would be to speak to ur OH and explain to him that youll feel cramped and dont want this to rub off on ur newborn, as stressful situations arent really that good for them anyway, and baby may pick up on ur vibes. suggest you go halves on a hotel room for one night, (rather than 3), and see if you can put up with her just for one night, then theres some half way ground between you-maybe? i really couldnt put up with family buzzing around my house, as i love my space, but it depends on how your hubby handles his mum, luckily my OH feels the same as i do, so no uncomfortablness here! good luck and try not to get too stressed about it all

I would have never in a million years have let anyone stay with us just after i'd given birth. Its selfish for anyone to expect you to do that. You really need to put your foot down on this one otherwise what should be a really special and private time for you and your family (h and daughter and new baby) could be ruined and you'll never get that time back.

i think if you dont want her too,why should you. everyone is different. my mum is staying with me for a week or two after birth,so help with housework,food ect-not baby-thats my job and that never even came up!she said she just wants to help me with the basic things and around the house,my mums not the interferring type so i no i will love having her there,plus my hubbie gets on brill with her too and thought was great idea. it really depends on your relatiionship with the person wanting/offering to stay.it wil be just me and OH for a week until he goes to work then mum staying so its just us 3 in the first week after baby born anyway.

I absolutely would not have her stay after giving birth! Its rude of her to expect that! My visitors could not stay although they asked ( my hubby explained i was too ill) and i wont do it again either. If they want to visit they have to make their own arrangements, and they cant visit straight away either as last time i was extremely unwell, sore, in pain and i needed my husband only! I wouldnt even have my own mum round staright away! It makes me mad that people think thay can just force themselves upon you at such a lovely but very difficult/ emotional time. You have to explain to him that you want look forward to the birth not dread it because you know mil is coming to stay! xxx

i totally agree with everyones comments, now we have our date set in stone, a few family members hav offered and we've respectfully declined saying its our time and im sure we can cope. no harm in folks bringing over snacks and helping with washing etc, but no lodgers here!!

I had to be a bit mean when lo arrived. My mum kept turning up and I hd to tell her to bugger off so i could have at least 24 hrs of just oh, baby, first child and myself. Especially as my older child knew everyone only wanted to see the baby and I could tell it was gtting to him a bit!! as for
MIL I did the same with her and have for future banished her cat as well!

I didn't want to come across as mean but i made my point clear.

Hi,
I wouldnt in a million years have my MIL to stay during or after the birth.
Your oh needs to take your side and support you as you and the baby will be his main priority and I do think you need to make him understand that. Do whatever it takes to make him see that.
It is such a special time and I am so glad I said no to EVERYONE when each of my three were born. a few days later I let one person/couple come each day. My babys didnt change in that short time so no one missed out and I made that clear when the complaining started. Its not their baby it was ours.Hubby and I then had the time we needed ALONE.
What about a compromise? that may take a bit of pressure off you, maybe she could come a week after the birth for two days(so only one night)???
I do wish you all the best hon
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx