Hi ladies.
Theo is now 8 weeks old and I had a very traumatic delivery. It was 22 hours of labour and 2 hours of pushing before they realised I wasnt going to be able to deliver Theo on my own so I was taken into Theatre. In theater my epidural fell out and they tried 5 times to get it back in but couldnt so tried a spinal block which failed and then Theo's heart rate dropped as did my pulse and bp so I had no time for any pain relief and he was delivered with forceps. I had to be cut and had a 3rd degree tear and I felt everything, the cut, the forceps being put in, the tear, them turning Theo's head and I had to be held down on the bed, it was awful. Now all I can see when I try and sleep is the theater lights and I still have nightmares about the birth. I was induced early due to very severe SPD and when they had to put my legs in stirrups I actually passed out from the pain. The whole experience was just very hard and I still find it hard to think or talk about what happened.
Is it normal for me to still feel like this 8 weeks after giving birth? I think I might have a bit of post natal depression because I feel constantly tearful, sometimes very angry too and I just cant sleep even though I'm exhausted because I'm scared of having a nightmare about the birth. I adore Theo to bits (although sometimes I want to throw him out the window when he's screaming at 4am!) and I dont think I resent him for giving me such a difficult birth, I just dont seem to be able to move on from it.
xxx

Hi Carley, it sounds more like post natal post traumatic stress rather than post natal depression as it is probably linked directly to your horrible birth experience. I felt the same for a long time after i had my eldest by emergency section in feb 2006. I felt so angry and almost as if i had been cheated out of a good experience. Above all i think it was the total loss of control and the lack of dignity which left me feeling so bad. I'd be at work or walking down the road and the birth would start going round and round in my head like a film and id feel like screaming. All i can say is it does get better with time, but if your struggling then see you gp as there are counselors who specialise in post natal post traumatic stress and you could ask to be refferred. But what your feeling is normal and its nothing to be ashamed of. Look at http://www.birthtraumaassociation.com lots of other womens stories and contact details for people to talk to etc, take care and remember your not alone and it does get better i promise xxx

Apologies, its http://www.birthtraumaasociation.org.uk not.com lol x

right ill try again i keep typing it wrong http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

i think 8 weeks is still quite raw and dont beat yourself up about still reeling!

amelia nearly 8 months and I still get panic attacks if i think about her birth.

I had chat with my consultant the other day and that cleared a few things. I thought my baby had died and when I asked him about this he said that he thought it too. I know that sounds worse but, it made me realise that I was not going mad. Amelia was in real danger and I did not imagine it all.

Basically I had placenta previa and started to heamorrage at home at 35 weeks.

I also told him that I thought she was dying after delivery. he said she had poor start but was not in any real danger. That again made me feel better.

We went through why it may have happened. he said I had placenta abruption which caused the bleeding. I did not know that so that was news. Overall, in a mad way, even hearing the worst from him, it made me feel better. It was good to talk it all through as it made me confront it head on.

Maybe you should talk to yours if possible.

I had a forceps with my first who was breech and totally empathise with you. 36 hours of labour and at the end I felt everything. That wa 17 years ago.

I think writing it down, talking it over and confronting it is the way forward. If you have confronted it then it cant harm you!!!

good luck and hope you get some sleep!!!!

d xxxx

Hi Carly,

i think you'll probably feel like this for some time.... i also had a rough time my labour started very similar to yours, 25 hour labour, 2 hours pushing and then c section, then had to go back into theatre under GA 2 days later for wound hematoma........i spent 6 days in hospital and hardly slept at all. as a result when i got home i had a complete meltdown i was so tired, and suffered flashbacks....i spent some time talking through what had happened with my mum and DH who were with me throughout. i thought id dealt with all my demons but over the past few days (and nights) ive found its all starting to come back and play on my mind again.

im not sure it will ever go away, i think we'll jsut find ways to deal with it better. is there someone you can talk to...HV, other half....or your consultant? my SIL also had a horrible delivery and she requested a copy of her notes which she found cleared up a few questions and filled in some blanks. i really hope you feel better soon hon, and get some of that all so important sleep!!

x x

8 weeks is definitely a short time since the birth. I had a pretty traumatic birth - induction, terrible pain from the beginning, an emergency transfer to labour suite due to baby's heartrate dropping, prepared for theatre and then told heart rate was OK and instead of c-section further induced with drip - which made pain even worse. When I asked for an epidural was given morphine which sent me to scooby-doo land. Eventually after 25 hours in labour I started pushing - the pain was horrendous and after nearly 2 hours had a ventouse with episiotomy and then ended up with a third degree tear because Poppy was back to back and nobody had realised!!!!! I lost a lot of blood and had to be repaired in theatre. I was really unwell for the subsequent 4 weeks including anaemia and a concoction of antibiotics, painkillers, laxatives etc etc.

I also felt angry because I felt I had been poorly managed and my pain had been dismissed until the end when they realised she was back to back. I was having flashbacks and I was really anxious. I was then diagnosed with post-natal depression for which I started medication 6 weeks ago. Poppy is now 6 months and I'm just getting on top of it all. I'm doing a computer based cognitive behavioural therapy course called beating the blues and that is really helping to chnage the way I'm thinking - I'd definitely recommend it.

There is definitely light at the end of the although I still shudder when I see a pregnant woman or people start talking about how wonderful birth is!!!

I had trouble accepting that I'd had to have an emergancy csection due to my baby being breech, and me having pre eclampsia. Like someone else said previously, I felt cheated. But after reading about your experience, I guess I can't complain.
I found that talking to a counsellor (of sorts) really helped me, so maybe ask your HV to refer you? I also think you shouldn't beat yourself up about your feelings-if we're honest, we've probably all had the feeling of wanting to throw our babies out the window when they won't stop screaming at 4am!!!!
And it's ONLY 8 weeks. It's not long at all. I think a huge part of the problem is admitting your feelings, so well done you for coming on here and telling us. But the next step is seeking professional help. It doesnt mean you're a nutcase (as I thought when I did it), it means you're very strong, and admitting you're having difficulty.
Where'd you live? Because I'm in the South, and we have something called birth Stories which is basically an independent midwife who goes through your notes with you to clear everything up, answer your questions etc, and I found that that helped me enormously, although my birth was no where near as traumatic as yours.
Good luck honey, and e mail me if you need to chat x x x