HI you might have seen from another post im real into behaviour at the mo, but i wondered if you think it is acceptable for me to give my mum and mil a copy what i expect of my children (ie to sit down and eat, only get things when they say please/thank you nothing too severe) and how if they are naughty i want them to be disciplined? and ask them to implement it, or should i allow them to do what they want ie their house, their rules??

Thanks for any opinions xxDBxx

Hi hun, i think it's very important that what you impose in your home to your children gets backed up by other caregivers/family like grandparents. So long as your rules arent anything controversial (like smacking which others could easily disagree with, though i see thats not your intentions at all) and are reasonable, then i see no reason you mum and MIL can not follow it too.

Children can often feel like they can behave differently with the grandparents as they are more relaxed generally with rules and like to "treat" grandkids more etc. like my own PIL like to give evie junk food when im very against it. This may then undermine your own way of disciplining and open up loopholes for responses such as "but grandma let me do it" etc. It is hard to enforce rules without backup!

So yes, i think you should let them in on it to and ask that they stick to it X

Yep I think its definitley a good idea. Otherwise you can bet that they'll play up as soon as they get home. Abby goes to her dads every other weekend and even though I have gone through what I consider acceptable behaviour and what I'd like him to do when she's naughty he ignores it and she comes back absolutley horrible! Really moody, tired and craving for some boundries, it takes me until wednesday to get her back to her normal self again.
xxx

I actually think that as long as they are not in harms way that you should leave them to it. It is important to remember they are grandparents, not parents and it is not they're job to "bring up" our kids (although they did ok with us didnt they?). Of course they are going to spoil then a bit and treat them, I think it'll be lovely to have grandchildren one day and be able to enjoy them in a way you cant as parents as you are not ultimately responsible for their behaviour.
At the end of the day if we do our best as parents our lo's will still know right from wrong whether we are there or not.
Also, our Los are going to visit friends, go to school, join clubs etc so they will have to get used to doing what other people expect of them, and being disciplined in different ways to how we would throughout their whole lives.
xx

I have to agree with MumDonna, i personally think it does the kids good to spend time with my parents and in-laws and they are both good enough to look after my boys whilst i work, so i personally wouldnt dictate to them what they can or cant do during their time with their grandchildren. But at the end of the day they are your kids so it is up to you, i personally have a different approach to parenting and really believe that being too strict and rigid while they are young will have negative consequences in the future.I also think from a discipline perspective that you have to accept they might not be happy implementing discipline in the same way as you so you may have to compromise on that. I just think kids should be allowed to have fun,yes they need to learn right from wrong, but i think it is more important that they enjoy their lives than worrying about sitting at the table for every meal etc.

i kind of see both sides here, I think you are right to think about how your kids are behaving (and being allowed to behaved with others). But I also agree that it is nice for children to have a different relationship with grandparents, including a few treats now and again! I think it also depends a lot on how much time they spend with the grandparents e.g if they are going there for childcare 2 days a week then yes, it should be just the same as home, but if it is only a couple of hours every fortnight then the boundaries can be relaxed a bit.

Could you use your behaviour contract as a starting point to talk to both your mum and mil? If you say 'this is what we do at home, could you use this', it sounds a bit less confrontational and gives you a chance to discuss anything they disagree with.

I agree with mum donna too, I am sure the odd treat and slight decrease in discipline when with grandfolk wont harm the childs over all behavoir. I think it is true that a grandparent should have a much more relaxed relationship with their grandchildren than the parents have! When I was little I used to love getting into mischief with my grandad and giggling with him as my mum wondered what was going on! Memories I will have forever!
mind you things like routine should be followed I think as this is important for the childs well being and health to eat , sleep at the right times ect xxxxxxxxxxxxx olo xxxxxxxxx

Hello Doublebubble,
I like discipline too as you know!

this is my personal view on you post..
I think its a good idea. However, grandparents (well mine anyway!) were ones to also treat us etc. therefore, I think you should just pop it in conversation that you what your children to have good discipline and manners. Then say, in order my for me to achieve this I need them to be encouraged to the same when their at yours eg Can you get them to eat at the table with you, correct them by saying their pleases and thank yous etc. I would also say, if they create a fuss etc, I dont expect you to tell them off like I would. I would just expect you to encourage them to have good manners. Im also aware that you wil, probably be treating them which I am fine with.

My next point will probably differ to some mothers on here.
I used to work in retail, and on one occassion when I was on the tills, I saw a 4yr old boy treat his grandfather with no respect. He told him to shut up and hit him. I couldnt believe what I was seeing. I have never ever been rude to my grandparents or hit them. I plan on teaching my daughter to be brought up like I was. Therefore, if she hit either of our parents, I would expect them to tell them that it was wrong.
My point here being, if you do ask them to encourage good discipline etc. You need to say if you would like them to tell them off...so to speak. Does that make sense?!?

I agree with palmtree, I would expect my parents/in laws to agree with manners etc. But I would also expect other rules inmy house to be more relaxed at grandparents houses. As seeing grandparents is meant to be fun and enjoyed.

I toitally see what you are getting at doublebubble. As I have read posts on here in the past, where mothers have said how they totally disagree with how there parents/in laws look after there children.
Sorry for my waffling long post! xxx

Well I'm in the middle of typing up how my parents are to look after Cole when they have him tonight for the first time. They also got a list the first time they had him in the daytime too. He's only 9 months old, so not much in the way of discipline yet, but I want him to have the same routine regarding eating etc and I want them to be consistent the way we are when we tell him 'no'. I don't think its unreasonable for kids to behave for their grandparents and use manners etc and I certainly would expect my parents to make sure that Cole says please and thankyou and sits nicely at the table.

I do agree with teh other points that kids do get away with stuff with their grandparents, but it should be stuff like staying up late, or the odd treat but nothing too ott. This is what worries me about the inlaws - chances are they'll never have cole on their own cause they live too far away (suits me!!) but i have a bad feeling that they'll think its ok to stuff his face with chocolate buttons and stuff all the time and won't listen to what i say he can eat - whereas I know for sure my mum doesn't let him have anything i don't send or say is ok. The inlaws brought him an easter egg at 13 weeks old! Nuff said!

Once Cole is older I will definately be discussing discipline with my parents for when they have him - I am not under any circumstances letting them think they can smack him - they will be told that and if they dont' agree then they won't have him - its something I feel that strongly about.

I wanted to do this but my oh wouldnt let me, and I wasnt exactly confident about doing it. Im not too good at standing up for what I believe. Mine would include the following

no junk food sweets etc
no smoking near him
no animals near him
wash your hands reguarly when holding him/playing with him, especially if your going to touch his face
dont let him crawl around the bathroom or kitchen floor unless cleaned before hand (kitchen only, hes not to play in bathroom full stop)
dont let him play with keys or mobiles as they are covered in germs
dont let him put things in his mouth that are anything other than food dummy or toys (ie. remote controls)

they are all pretty simple but clearly some people in my family only have a few brain cells x

kia my mil brought sam an easter egg and buttons and a fruit shoot on easter day when he was 4 months old. i was too scared to say anything and my oh has been brought up eating tripe from a young age. i wish i had more confidence!! x