so...
Well, I think that the fact you've had bereavement counselling is a massively positive point because my mum never had counselling. Because it was 1976, there wasn't such an emphasis on providing support in this way and they were in a very small town. Also, my mum and dad are from the "school of hard knocks" type of coping i.e. they don't value the importance of therapy and counselling etc.
I also think that my mum has spent a lot of time trying to contain her feelings rather than ever actually confronting them and dealing with them. She even attended her sister's wedding as a bridesmaid within a week of my brother dying and she said she was totally numb and just going through the motions but she was again, trying to cope and put on an impression of being ok.
I have always found my mum really hard to talk to about emotional matters as she isn't comfortable doing this. I was also like the saviour child when I was born, in a way, as my mum had also had 2 mc's before she lost Andrew so I was her fourth pregnancy but first actual surviving baby.
As a consequence (rightly or wrongly), I was effectively wrapped in cotton wool growing up and I grew up to be an extremely anxious and serious child.
About a year and a half ago, I started getting really bad anxiety attacks; trouble with my chest and breathing etc. I went to Doctor and had an ECG and tests done but doctor decided it was panic / anxiety attacks. He tried to put me on betablockers or anti-depressants but I didn't want to take any drugs so I packed myself off to a therapist.
During therapy, I tried to work through with my therapist why I put so much pressure on myself (was a perfectionist and major stresshead!) and we talked a lot about how I had grown up in an environment where there was perceived danger around every corner (my parents were so over-protective and strict on me).
One day (not during a session) out of the blue, I suddenly started to imagine what life was like in my house when I was born. I started working back and I realised that my mum had got pregnant with me virtually straight away and that when I was born, my parents were still seriously grieving. I discussed this with my therapist and he felt there was validity in this theory too. The more I think about my mum's (and dad's) attitude towards me, the more I can link it back to their loss and their anxieties about losing me.
My sister and brother never got it as hard as I did and I do think my mum felt safer by the time they rolled around, as here I was fine and dandy thanks very much.
I think, if anything, having worked through my own problems and really looked seriously at my relationship with my mum, has made me gain a real appreciation of what her and my dad went through prior to my birth and it has helped me to acceot why they were hew way they were towards me, rather than resent it.
It did take me a long time to fully understand the context though because my mum wasn't very open emotionally and I had to go through a lot alone and then work through it as an adult when things started to go a bit wrong!
So, my only thoughts would be that you are open to talking to your child/ren about life before them, including your experiences with the twins. Children like me tend to blame themselves for not being good enough or not meeting their parents expectations so reassurance and emotional support are vital, I think, in any paren-child relationship regardless of what the specific issues are.
I think your bereavment counselling will have gone a long way too towards putting yourself into a good headspace for when the bairn arrives.
Hope this helps, love. xxx
