Hello everyone
Just needed to tell someone my situation really as I haven't been able to talk to my family/close friends about this one yet.
My partner & I have been together for six years, we have two beautiful children, 4yr old little girl & 21 month old little boy & our 3rd baby is due in 12 days. Our relationship as a couple hasn't been great for a while & after a big heart to heart my partner feels there's probably no other option than to leave.
Ever since we had children (no regrets at all from either of us on that one) we started to drift apart, I'VE neglected & forgotton about the important couple time you should still have and devote to your partner & made the children my whole world & life & changed as a person because of this. We both absolutely adore our children but not intentionally his relationship with them isn't great because of this. This is mostly my fault & I'm not looking for sympathy as it's my own doing for realising this all too late.
I'm desperately hoping he won't go but I'm realistic too, with a new baby due so soon, the demands of that & two other children probably won't allow me a huge amount of time to devote to my partner & I fear it'll all be too little, too late anyway.
You only get one chance in life & it's so important to be happy & have no regrets. I love him so much still & want him to be happy, if that's away from us then that's how it will have to be.
Please don't think he's a bad person, as he really isn't, I can't ask him stay for the wrong reasons, he can't help the way he feels & hasn't taken this decision lightly, he believes his relationship with the children will get better as a part time Dad & I really hope this is true.
I'm totally distraught our family will be torn apart especially for our children & I know over the next weeks, months I'll go through all the emotions possible feeling tearful sad angry hurt let down etc as I am after all only human!
Has anyone been in this situation before & do you manage to muddle through with as little effect on the children as possible? Thanks for taking the time to read this post, any support or advice you can offer me would be greatfully received x
PS - For all of you out there who think you may be going down a similar path, change now before it's too late, make time for each other for your own sake & happiness and that of your childrens too x

hey hun, i've not been through the same as your going through but i just wanted to say how sorry i'am. i know you say you've not told friends and family but is there not one close friend you can confide in as right now with 2 children and heavily pregnant you need support even if it's just to get it off your chest. i really hope that this all gets sorted and what ever way that may be you your partner and children are happy. i know there must seem like there's no light at the end of the tunnel but all though not the same i have been through a messy divorce with young children a few years ago and i can promise ,you will get through and you will smile and laugh once again. Take care of yourself and those kiddies. All the best hun. xx

Thanks for your reply TillyJane, if I'm honest I've put of telling the people closest to me as I feel so ashamed of myself that I've let my partner & our children down. I'm not as close to my family as I once was because I left my ex husband for my current partner, they took his side, didn't give me any support, basically disapproved & felt ashamed of me. The damage from that has been irreversible & the loss of a very close family to me, although I still love my family very much, we're no longer as close because of their reaction at the time. It took them over a year for to accept my new relationship & me being in hospital for bridges to be built again. My partner has never forgiven them for the way they turned their backs on me & treated me at the time & still feels I forgave them to easily (on the surface anyway.) I have absolutely no regrets over my past but I don't want to hear the I told you so's etc.
I can talk to my partners Mum easier than my own, but it's not fair to put her in the middle of this, as I don't want her taking sides either way & damaging her close relationship she has with her son. My closest friend has only recently left her husband & is very happy about her situation where I'm the complete opposite, so at the moment I don't have anyone I feel I can turn to hence writing this post.
I look forward to the day I can smile & laugh again like I used to, thanks for proving to me there's light at the end of a very dark & long tunnel x

I'm not in your situation and can't really give any appropriate advice, but didn't want to read and run. Also your post is ringing a few bells for me.
My husband and I got married last December and 6wks into married life found out I was pregnant.
I've been all consumed with this pregnancy (due to previous mc) and have noticed my hubby and I getting more and more distant. Despite a weekend away to try and build some bridges I can absolutley see my marriage becoming as you've described.
We've had some very frank conversations over the last week or so and I'm already concerned we've not had any time to enjoy being married and this baby is going to take over our lives. I'm worried we won't get our relationship back and am already expressing worries about him leaving me.
Thank you so much for your honest account of your marriage and it has made me even more determined to confront my issues head on and devote more time to our relationship and not just the baby.
I hope everything goes OK for you. Best wishes. Suz xx

I haven't been in this situation, but I really feel for you and didn't want to r&r. I just wanted to say that the really positive thing about your post seems to be that you have arrived at a good understanding of where things have gone wrong, and you have also been able to discuss this in detail with your partner. Lots of couples don't ever get to this point, they just end up blaming each other. If you can continue to talk things through with your partner you should at least be able to avoid a lot of bitterness, and remain friends. It sounds like you're facing a really tough time whatever happens next, but you also sound like a very strong person and I'm sure you will get through it.

(Big hugs)

Hello Suz & Poz
Congratulations Suz on your pregnancy, I admire you for realising your relationship with your partner is already affected by the new little life you've created. Your baby will become the most important & precious thing in both your lives & rightly so, I just can't express enough the importance of not being totally consumed by your baby & forgetting the two people who created with so much love your baby in the first place. I don't want other people to go through this when all it takes is some time together alone even if it's every few weeks or once a month, to keep your relationship alive, happy & healthy.
Thanks Poz for your kind words, I might sound a strong person but underneath it all, I'm feeling very vulnerable, alone & uncertain about the future right now. I'll always love my partner for giving me the most precious gift of our beautiful children & it's so important we keep things as amicable as possible for their sake. I'm just feeling so so sad it's coming to an end, hoping we could bring our children up in a happy secure family unit sadly doesn't seem possible anymore x

Hi i just wanted to add a quick note to your post. i have recently gone through a very simillar thing but it was me who left my husband (im back now) but we were so far apart as a couple i just couldnt take anymore, he had a bad relationship with our daughter and she craved his attention so badly it broke my heart.
this happened in our relationship as soon as she was born i too gave up on us time because i couldnt bare to leave her with anyone, i became so resentful to him because he wouldnt help me look after her as a baby and there just wsnt a bond between them. he just didnt get the hang of parenting with a new born so i took over (BIG MISTAKE) 3 years later things became very bitter and he turned to verbally abusing me and eventually the verbal was turned onto our daughter which i wasnt going to allow so we left and ended up in a refuge.

but now after 5 weeks things are going great we have NEW RULES

1. US TIME (grandma has our daughter once a week) we either go out or enjoy some home time together its wonderful to hang up your parenting hats for one night and feel alive again.

2. Family Time (evenings for a walk, weekends)

3. Him and daughter time= Me time

4. Relate councelling to help us talk again and avoid thoughs heated rows!!

5. Consistant parenting-disipline techniques,shared bedtimes.

6. his will be doing a mens programme to help with his aggression but because he has depression that seems to have been controlled by his new anti depressants im so proud he finally addressed the problem and got help.

7. HAVE FUN !!! we go swimming, shopping, bouncing on the trampoline (this didnt exsist in our household it was rows, rows, rows.

Life is now as it should be and weve even talked about extending our family. (this was a definate NO for the last 3 yrs from him i felt so rejected)

i really didnt think it would be possibly to get the love back.
We have been together 10 years married 5 and out of love for 31/2 years. but now things are amazing we have in the last 5 weeks been able to put our marriage back on track, and the love is still there!!

Dont give up see if he will go to relate or something.

have you admitted you think that maybe it was your doing which pused him away as you were so invloved in the children but now you need realised you do need his love and friendship.

p.s ive even managed to talkk hubby to renew our wedding vows on sept 10th. so we start a fresh!!

GOOD LUCK xx;\)

Hi Nikki
It's fantastic you've managed to get the relationship back with your husband & congratulations on renewing your wedding vows again in September.
I've admitted to my partner that it's totally my fault our relationships broken down, it's taken me far too long to realise it, I became totally focused & consumed by the children & thought things betweeen us as a couple were fine. Nobody could love & take care of my children as much as I could & the only people I leave them with now are their grandparents. I've found the relationship break down between Daddy & the children the hardest, as you say their little faces desperately looking to Daddy for some attention & love is heart breaking to witness when they're brushed aside, he hasn't intentionally or conciously done this but became distant to our children because of our relationship being as it is.
I really hope he gives us a chance at least, but it's really up to him now & his mindset on our future, he says he's partly to blame for not saying anything sooner & giving up on us 18 months or so ago. He's been thinking about this for a long time without talking to anyone & I've gone along with my stupid blinkers on. He tells me he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore & I totally understand that, love does change but becoming a Mum has changed me from the fun loving carefree person I once was (the person he fell in love with) I don't know if I can be that person again with such young children you need to be responsible but I also need to get the balance right. He's not happy that his timing to tell me couldn't be worse with baby due in days but I've been nagging him to tell me what's been wrong & why he's been so distant from us. If he can decide we're worth fighting for then I'll do everything I can to keep us together as a couple & family.

Good luck to you too, well done for fighting for & keeping your happy family together & well x

hi there franners, i'm sorry to hear about your partner considering leaving you. Why do you think hes leaving? maybe if he should want to leave he should live in the house still but just stay in a different room?

It's not nice to have two children and leave your pregnant partner, its as if he doesnt understand children are hard work. What about when the kids are in bed? what happens with you both?

Whatever the situation he shouldnt leave you all alone in the house its going to be very stressful for you. It wouldnt be a good idea to leave you and his children and find someone else.

I wish the you all the best dear

Leanne x

Hello Leanne
He's thinking about leaving as we've grown so far apart as a couple, he's told me there's no one else & I do believe him, certainly no evidence to prove otherwise & our sex life has always been great, unfortunately you can't sustain a relationship on that alone. We stopped doing things as a couple when our little girl was born 4 years ago & I became totally consumed in being the best possible Mum I could & forgot about the two people who created our perfect little girl in the first place.
He says he wants to stay until the baby is born at least and things have settled into a routine but I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this and the uncertainty of the if & when he will go. I'm just finding it so hard at the moment with baby due soon & two little ones still to look after, I get upset & emotional over the smallest thing & it's not good especially if it's in front of the children. (this doesn't happen often as I bottle it up until their in bed usually)
He said when we first got together, I was perfect & could see us with children & a very happy family but now it seems it was all a pipe dream
He's said he'll always support me if I want to continue being a stay at home Mum but I'm sure that'll change if he goes & someone else comes along!

hiya, sorry your having a rubbish time at the mo. i know baby is due soon but is there anyway someone could have the kids for a couple of days and you 2 could get a bit of time away together. (well not to far). just so you could try and reconnect away from the day to day stuff and remind him your still the person he met. good luck

sian

Hi Sian
I did suggest a weekend/holiday away but unfortunately money has been a bit tight of late. I'm sure this isn't helping but my partner's running his own business which he's finding stressful & really can't afford any time away as there's no guaranteed salary at the end of the month. There's always massive outgoings when starting any business but the company is very busy with only three full time & one partime member of staff, he's the only one dealing with the sales side where the money is made to pay the salaries. He's been going out with friends on Friday & Saturday nights frequently lately though & by getting drunk he says it's his only release from the stress of work & home. I'm worried this is just making matters worse & I'm at a loss as to what to do next x

Franners
just wanted to say sorry to hear what you're going through. I think you're right that drinking every weekend to relieve the stress could make matters worse. Could you get a babysitter and maybe go for a meal just the two of you one of the nights instead of him going to the pub both nights?

I know what you're saying about changing when you become a mum. Both my husband and i are were party anilmals before our daughter cam along (she's nearly 6mths now) and he's still pretty much able to be the life and soul while i'm more sensible and generally look after our daughter if we are at social events like weddings etc, meaning i stay sober and generally drive.

Your post has made me realise that no matter how much you love your children if you don't make time for just the two of you away from the baby things can deteriate.

Take care and good luck working it out....

Thanks Louise
It's all too late now, my partner told me last night it's over & he's leaving. I'm now just feeling numb & dreading the moment he tells our 4 year old little girl. Our baby is due one week today & I've got to try & prepare for that, I'm very tearful unfortunately & our little one saying 'Mummy, why are you looking worried?' & 'Please don't be sad' is adding to the tears constantly falling I've made the lame excuse that Mummy's just very tired today with the baby due so soon & told her not to worry. How rubbish is that?

oh im so sorry to hear that franners i'd really hoped that it would have improved for you.
is there a chance hes met someone else??

ive got a 31/2 yr old when my husband and i broke up a few weeks ago she really turned on the tears and of course i felt so guilty and cryed and cryed, i felt so sorry for her but things got easier because i said she could speak to daddy whenever she wanted which she did but after a while she didnt want to and found that seeing me happy and de-stressed was enough to stop worrying about her daddy it was all tears from all sides to begin with but it did get easier i started to enjoy her more and loved it being the 2 of us.
but after a while i knew it was time to go back and im so glad i did.

i just told my daughter
"we are having a break while daddy is getting better as mummy and daddy keep saying nasty things to each other."
you can still get away with telling they more or less what they want to hear " mummy and daddy are going to live apart for a while but dont worry because soon you will have a new baby brother/sister to play with and you will mummy's big girl helper while daddy is away. dont go into long term yet it is too soon he may change his mind.

i really feel for you because lying to them to protect them so so hard when you just want to poor your heart out to her the but they are definatly not old enough to understand and children think so diferently to us and often blame themselves.
try and save your tears for bed time like you said. i really do feel for you.

im so so sorry you have ended up in this situation only days before your baby. it really brings tears to my eyes wil you cope ok by yourself or are you really scared??:cry::cry::cry:

i dont suppose you are near the southampton area??
lots and lots of hugs

xxxx

i dont know what youre going through but when you tell people that you are pregnant they tell you all sorts of things, advice, moans why dont they tell you what it does to a relationship, me and oh so very nearly split, he went with someone else luckly he released he was going to loose alot and it made him love me more, i found this out a year on and if i had found out earlire then i would have left him as it happens we were both calmer and now we are the best eva its hard to be mom one minuite and partner the next its hard to balance the 2 especially if you work to i do hope all is well all i can say ladies is when you hear someone tell you they are expecting thier 1st child tell them about the effects of relastionships its the only way to stop this from getting worse plz tell me if you agree?

Thanks for your lovely post Nikki, our little girl has already picked up on the situation between her Daddy and me. She's gone from sleeping through the night to waking & coming into my bed sometimes before I've got there myself. They're incredibly sensitive & bright, for the last few weeks she's not been going to bed as normal & tonight she set off a carbon monoxide sensor on the landing when our voices were clearly getting louder. When I got to the bottom of the stairs she was peering through the bannisters. I asked if she had heard Mummy & Daddy talking & she nodded, her little eyes were full of tears & she said to me 'please don't leave me on my own.' I practically crumbled but picked her up & just held her tight, reassuring her that I'd never leave her & that Mummy & Daddy loved her so so much. I'm feeling like the worst parent in the world right now & wondering why can't we at least try & fight to keep our family together?
I'm not completely sure my partner realisers the impact this is going to have on our daughter, he just believes he'll have a better relationship with the children as a part time Daddy & as a couple we're not worth making the effort for, I hope he's right.
He's told me, he thinks it's a bad idea to tell my family he's leaving before the baby is born as I don't need anymore emotional stress right now & he's probably right. No doubt my family will have their opinions on things which won't help anybody, emotions run high at times like these & things could be said that won't help anybody or our situation. I don't know when he's moving out myself & he wanted me to tell him tonight when I thought was best, before or after the baby comes?! Never would be best for me but I'm not going to beg him to stay when clearly he doesn't want to. . . . we were planning a home birth this time & of course he should be there like he was with our other children, it's still his baby too, but I'm not sure he'll be the right support now I know how he's feeling?
Have you managed to sort things with your hubby or have I misread your post? Like you say the most important thing is our little ones feel safe secure & loved xxxx
PS We live in Suffolk!

Hi Franners

I am so sorry to hear this. You seem to be taking so much blame for your relationship failing but i have to say that he's to blame too, he could and should have said something sooner hun.

Also, i really hate to say this but do you believe him that there is no one else?

My little sis (well say little but she's 28!) was with her fella from 15 and 2 yrs ago after they'd lived together for 2 years and were about to start trying for a family, well they'd put it off as i asked her to be my bridesmaid in june and she was coming off the pillin the jan, but then decided she'd liked to be slim for the photos! Anyway he just said to her one saturday in feb that he was unhappy and wanted to go back to his mums for a bit. My sis is really strong and just carried on hanging the washing out while he tried to get her to sit down and talk but she was like "feck off, if you're going then just go i don't need to talk or beg you" kind of thing.

So he left and then on the thursday his mum came round (they were very close) and said she felt that she deserved to know that her fella was now seeing someone else. So all the things he's said about why he wanted to go was absolute crap!

This was 2 yrs ago and he's now married the other bird and had a kid!

Franners not saying your oh has done anything like this but just saying to make sure you're certain!

Think you're right about needing a different support partner though as you need someone you can rely on 100%.

Take care honey!

Lou

hi sweet!! i really feel so upset by whats happening to you and your poor family.
i guess because its because your due any day and im really rather concerned how your do after with hormones being like a roller coaster.
could you confide in your health visitor??
how will you manage with 3 children i guess thats kind of what your wondering and thats what we should be telling you.

After living at the refuge for 3 weeks we are home its a very long story, but he suffers depression and stopped med, then became very aggresive verbally to me and my daughter so i left.
amazingly it really seemed to give him a wake up call and he went straight to gp and back on meds he is now brilliant but it went on too long he never really bonded with our daughter until now.
He will have councelling etc.. but so far so good amazingly he wants to renew wedding vows in september.
i really thought my marriage was over but it was really a matter of lack of communication he felt abandoned after we had lucy.
i felt resentment because he wouldnt help me with her.

will keep posting as long as you need support ok.

are you on facebook?? or you could email me if you prefere but i think its good to get other peoples advice as someone maybe going thru same thing with baby on way.

lots of hugs to you and your little angles.

Morning Lou & Nikki
Your posts are keeping me going at the moment so thank you so much. As for OH having an affair? It's crossed my mind & I've asked him but he's denying it, I honestly have no reason to believe he is, no evidence or proof this is the case anyway. But . . . being in similar situation with my ex husband, having grown so far apart it took someone else to come along (i.e my partner) to give me the reason to get out of an unhappy marriage. I should never have married my ex & when I realised I didn't want his children I knew I was with the wrong person. . . . so what I'm trying to say is it's possible OH has someone else & maybe that's why he's not willing to give us a chance?
Who knows perhaps when he leaves he might regret his decision but if he doesn't & soon has a new partner I think the affair thing will be obvious?!
I haven't seen a health visitor yet just my midwife, but it'll be hard to confide in her, having a home birth means I could get one of seven midwifes in our area depending on who's on call & I've only met 2 so far, chances are I'll get one I've never met! I'm seeing my midwife today but will have the children with me, so it's going to be impossible to talk in front of my little girl anyway.
Nikki you're an amazingly strong person & I'm so glad your hubby has realised his family is so important. It took amazing courage for you to leave & give your hubby the kick up the a**e he obviously needed to go back on his medication, but any sort of abuse, verbal or physical is unacceptable especially in front of children or at children & you would do everything in your power to protect your little ones.
As for blaming myself Lou, I'm not completely & my OH has also said I shouldn't, it takes two people to make a relationship strong with give & take & work from both sides. I think because he was the one that's said it's over & there's no way things can be put right, I automatically & initially took the blame but after talking to him he's said he's to blame too for giving up on us when he did.
I did resent him too for not helping with or giving the children the time I thought he should, that clearly didn't help either. In some ways I wish I didn't love him & he was horrible to me then it wouldn't hurt so much, but I go from feeling ok one minute to so tearful the next. I know the real impact will be when he finally walks out the door & doesn't come home.
PS I'm not on facebook Nikki but thanks for the kind offer to stay in touch, it really is helping me xxxx

bless you take so much time to reply and it must be so hard as your head must be runing at 100mph!!

i know marriages break up all the time but his timing is so so bad i cant understand why he would leave when you are due anyday.
its so strange because now you need him more than ever!!

could that be the point he's trying to make?

did you say he definatly wont do any form of relate or has he decided he wants to end things permently?

How long have you been together?

My mum always said i was strong and a fighter i guess i had to be to survive the challenges of this world it was the only way forward.

But im a sucker for feeling guilty and a terrible worrier, i worry if ive nothing to worry about incase something really awful happens.

Ive got some councelling coming up soon and im not sure i can face going over everything again .(i had a really hard time with my step father and witnessed alot of physical abuse towards his children, when i was 13 thankfully he never turned on me but bullied me verbally) then of course when hubby started with the verbal i felt i was reliving it again. im only 29 but my life has been full to the brim of problems so i like to come on here and offer support where i can.

Midwives are somewhat hard to get hold of i was terrifed when i had one i'd never met, spoke really poor english and was totally lost she couldnt find our house for an hr. i just couldnt speak any longer i thought baby would arrive by itself. my contractions were so bad. i thought i was on jeremy beadle.

could you confide in a friend to be with you during the birth or will your husband be there?? will your little ones be ok through it??

you are amazing having a home birth i would love to do that but im too scared. my labour was only 6 hrs but i had forceps/episitomy.
she also swallowed meconium and need suction.

im getting really broody lately im tempted to ask hubby for another but im worried i being a bit hasty, as i suffered baby blues after for sometime but i think its because of lack of sleep but i would love us to have another shot and this time have a little support from him.

Will be here as long as you need. xoxoxoxo