Hi ladies

I've not been on for ages as I'm trying really hard to not let TTC take over. Had a rough day yesterday though and today has been a struggle.

Some of you may remember I mentioned that my sister is also LTTTC. She and her husband have been trying for a second child for a number of years, and their tests show unexplained secondary infertility. They were referred for IUI, and we have been having our IUI treatment in parallel - different hospitals, even though we live 5 minutes around the corner from each other.

Although we are very close, we are very different people, and our approaches to treatment have been very different - I am thirsty for as much knowledge on the subject as I can get, but MrD and I have chosen to keep the fact we are even having treatment very much to ourselves. My family (including my sister) don't know we are having treatment. She knows we want children and that we had an MC in January 09.

My sister, in contrast to me, is far more laid back about treatment, and chooses to keep the whole family updated on her progress in detail - including all blood test results, her hubbie's SA results (I haven't asked him if he knows his vitals stats are sent out by text on a regular basis!) etc.

We are just starting our third round of IUI. My sister is just coming to the end of her second cycle of IUI, and her 2ww was coming to an end on Friday (yesterday). She had tested early on 12 and 13 dpo and got a bfn. I opened a text from her at work on Friday and got a complete surprise to find she had got a BFP!!!

I called her immediately, and was full of excited congratulations. We didn't talk for long, but after I hung up I just broke down in tears. I feel so awful and guilty that this is something she wants so, so badly, and I can't be 100% overjoyed and unconditionally delighted for her. Of course I am pleased for her, and the tears were mixed happiness for the news (I'm going to be an aunt!!!), soured by that horrible, bitter little voice inside saying why not me? why can't I do this? why can't it be me and my husband announcing our happy news to the family at Christmas?

I am surrounded by pregnant women at work (sodding open plan!) so I see three swelling stomachs on a daily basis. But somehow this seems harder. I feel so guilty that I feel this way, and I'm sure in time it will get easier. Of course, we could end up getting lucky on round 3, and our los would be very close in age and see each other regularly... But we all know it might not work out that way.

(Oh, and I watched Up last night - great, great film, but if you are feeling down about TTC, then I don't recommend it. I sobbed and sobbed. Then sobbed some more).

I hope everyone is well. No need to reply - just feel better for putting it into words.

xxx

Oh MrsD sending you a big hug honey. I think the way that you feel about your sisters news is how any of us would feel in a similar position. Please try not to feel guilty about it-we can't help our feelings and the fact that she doesn't know you are having treatment at least means that she wont be feeling guilty for being pg too.
It will happen for you too.
Helen.xxx

Hey MrsD, oh sweetie, I can really relate to how you're feeling, and I'm sure most of us on here can in fact. It is hard not to be a bit jealous when other peole announce their pg's, espec when it is someone close to you. There is nothing wrong with how your'fe feeling honey....it's perfectly natural....and also remember that we can hold 2 emotions in mind at once, happiness for the the one announcing the pg, and sadness for ourselves that we are not announcing our own pg as well. It is so difficult having these emotions at once though because it leads to all sorts pf feelings of guilt. Try not to give yourself a hard tome for the way you're feeling hon, it's hard enough as it is.
I too haven't told anyone we're ttc, and sometimes I get tempted to tell everyone, but it's a decision we've made. Chin up sweetie, and I really hope your little one will end up with a coucin very very close in age!! xxx

Helen and TBD

Thank you for your really kind words, and picking me up and reassuring me I wasn't an evil, twisted person. I think I'm getting over the shock of it, giving me space to start to get excited.

I've had a really quiet day - just the right balance of doing (mainly domestic) stuff so I feel I haven't moped all day, but have made some progress (fully stocked fridge and a slightly smaller tower of ironing).

Feeling much more chilled.

TBD - hope the IVF injections are going well.

xx

Mrs D you are far from being an evil, rwisted person. I can completely understand how you are feeling, although you are happy for them... it hurts so much at the same time. Please don't give yourself a hard time, and sending you a big hug, xxx

MrsD - as Rachie said - you are a million miles away from being anything like an evil twisted person!!! What you are feeling is completely understandable - all of us I am sure would be exactly the same. You have every right to feel both emotions - happiness for your sis and sadness for your own still-waiting bean...but you *will* get yours and as you say, now your future lo will have a big cousin around the same age to play with:)
Look after yourself lovely, it is a hard road but it will be worth it!!!
x

MrsD what you're feeling is totally how we'd all feel in your shoes. What you must take from it is it's worked for her, so it WILL work for you! Try to see it as a positive thing if you can. And remember it's still early days for her so she needs support through the pregnancy.

Keep up the positive thoughts and I'm sure you'll get there in the end.

I have been avoiding UP for that reason actually as someone mentioned it on here before. I'll watch it when I'm feeling stronger, or when it's out on dvd!x

Hi MrsD

Like the others say your not a horrible person & it completley natural to feel the way you do hun, I can say I have felt the same on many occasions esp when my sil was pg with my nephew that sounds awful but I hated that she was still pg & I had mmc ours as we were pg at the same time then the day she was induced we found out we had lost our 3rd bean. I dont regret how I felt cause I love my nephew more than anything and he has brought so much joy to me & my oh that it doesnt matter anymore.

Of course for you as well as it is private between you & your dh you probably feel like you just want to scream as you are going through the same treatment.

I really hope this 3rd time works a treat for you & you will soon be announcing your very extra special BFP. Hugs & love to you sweetie xxxx

MrsD, your feelings are perfectly natural, anyone on this forum will tell you that, so please try not to beat yourself up about it.

What makes things particularly hard is that you have chosen to keep everything private, yet your sister has chosen the complete opposite. It's very hard to hold those feelings in, but feel free to rant and scream on here as much as you like.

Just remember that it will be your turn very soon, it WILL happen for you, and when it does it will be so special.

Hope you're doing ok x

Hi MrsD,

Sounds like we had a similar hard weekend! I thought it was bad enough hearing about a girl I was at school with getting pg a few wks after her wedding (she wasn't even engaged when we started trying over 2 yrs ago).
But no, the nail in the coffin came when my sister told me she was pg, just wks after coming off the pill. I couldn't even congratulate her, in fact, I think my reaction was 'you're joking?'!
She knows about our problems-over 2 years TTC, 2 m/c, 1 x IVF, so at least she will hopefully understand why I seem sad and distant.

Could you maybe tell your sis about your problems, so you don't feel the pressure to gush with enthusiasm any time anything pg is mentioned. I feel so sad that this is going to spoil our relationship, and make things very awkward over the next few months.

Life's a ***** but I hope you are getting the support you need from your OH x

Ladies, you are all so wonderful. Thank you very much for being so kind and reassuring.

MrD is being the lovely man I married, and is wonderfully supportive. Feeling brighter, so it's onwards and upwards. Friday is insemination day for IUI #3, and we'll be giving it our best shot (ahem, as it were) followed by lots of doctor prescribed baby dancing over the weekend.

xx