Well, I got a BFN today, so although I still have to test again on Friday and tell the clinic, I think we can safely say IVF #1 is all over. Thanks so much to all of you for your support and for cheering me on - it really did help.

I thought I'd do a quick summary of some of the things that I learnt from this cycle, in the hope that it might help someone else one day. I hope what I say doesn't worry anyone who's about to go into their first cycle too much - even knowing everything I do about how it was and how my body responded to it, I am still gearing up and hoping to do a second cycle in late November/early December, so it can't be all that bad!

First, although everyone responds differently and I was on a much higher dosage of the drugs than most people are on, you need to be prepared for the possibility that you will suffer side effects. I actually felt worst, both physically and emotionally, for the second week of the 2WW, and will book that time off work next time round.

Second, the support that I've had both IRL and on the internet has been absolutely amazing and has kept me going when things have been rough. The number of people I've had supporting me does have to be balanced, though, against the number of people I now have to remember to tell that it's failed. Next time I'll definitely tell the people who've been most supportive this time round, but will not tell those who made unhelpful comments this time round or didn't show much of an interest. Having told my boss was invaluable, because when I had a complete meltdown this week on realising that we had failed, he was very understanding and allowed me all the time I needed to recover.

Third, the main side effect I have had throughout the process is extreme exhaustion. I cooked lots of meals for the freezer after we had started, when I was already feeling wiped out. Next time, I'll spend the weekend before we're due to start filling the freezer.

Fourth, I was not fit to go into the office the day after egg collection. Apparently some people are, some aren't, and I don't think you can really predict beforehand. It's best to be prepared and at least try to arrange cover for anything essential that needs to be done that day, just in case.

Fifth, because of the extra progesterone you're taking after embryo transfer, your temperature is artificially elevated. BBT charting tells you absolutely nothing and can lead to overexcitement when it goes up and deep depression when it dips. Next time we go through this, I will NOT be charting my temperature (provided I can cure myself of the addiction ).

Sixth, there is absolutely NO point in symptom-spotting. I knew this in advance, but did it anyway. I've actually listed on my blog all the symptoms I had which have now proven to have been either AF symptoms or caused by the drugs - if you're tempted to symptom-spot, go to http://movingontothenextplan.blogspot.com/2009/10/i-cracked.html and compare your symptoms to that.

Seventh, although spotting was not a good sign for me, I have done a LOT of reading which shows that in general, it can't be interpreted as either a good or a bad sign (and this is what my clinic told me as well). For instance, see point number 5 in http://abeautifulday.blogs.com/a_beautiful_day/2004/12/when_ivf_works_.html . Spotting can happen in any pregnancy, but is particularly common in IVF pregnancies, so in itself should never be taken as a sign that it hasn't worked. Equally, though, it can't be taken as a sign that it has.

Eighth, your DH will go through his own hell, in watching you go through everything, in his own emotional rollercoaster about whether or not it's worked, and in bearing the brunt of your mood swings. There will be times when you can't stand the sight of him, when the mere sound of his breathing irritates hell out of you, and when you just can't bear to tell him how you're really feeling because you know it'll upset him. Try to prepare him for this as much as you can beforehand and make him understand that it's (mostly) the drugs talking. And try to be kind to each other - it may be physically harder on you, but the emotional toll on him will also be high, and if your main or only problem is on his side, he will also be dealing with guilt at what you're having to go through because of his problems.

And finally - realising that it was all for nothing is an incredibly difficult and emotional experience. I was fortunate to be able to "work from home" and spend three days sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. I'm just emerging from that now, but I would never have believed it was possible to cry so much in three days. You know you had living embryos at one stage, that contained the DNA of both you and your DH. Realising that those embryos have died and that you've just spent upwards of £6,000 and put your body through hell for nothing, and that all your hopes and dreams might never be realised, is unbelievably painful. You need to allow yourself time to grieve, and it's best not to try to make any major decisions for at least a few days afterwards.

Obviously, we need to visualise success and hope that our treatment is going to be successful, but it's worth being prepared for failure as well in the sense that if you can arrange to have an easy schedule, avoid making major plans for your work or social life and be ready to hibernate in a cave for a few days if you need to at the end of your treatment cycle, it's worth doing.

I hope this doesn't come across as too negative - as you can imagine, I'm feeling a little negative at the moment, but I thought some of you might find it useful.

And if you're about to go into your first attempt, good luck! xx

Here here to all of the above- spot on and almost a mirror of our experience (although our bad news came later than yours..)

Emma xx

LDOM, I am so sorry you got a BFN today !! As you no i am on my second cycle of ICSI and i am determined this time is going to be very very different from the first !

I remember when i failed my first cycle of ICSI, I got a BFN on the Weds & on the Sat AF started, it felt no heavier than any month. But (tmi) when i passed two large clots i could hold the tears no longer that our two baby embryo's had gone !

It is a horrible horrible time and i really feel for you hun! Unless you have been thru IVF you wil never really fully understand! Everyone grieves differently but I felt like i was grieving for something that was never really mine ! Its so difficult to understand!! I want to wish you every success with your next cycle LDOM, you WILL be a mummy one day, like we all wil be on this forum and the wait wil make us treasure our babies all the more.

Take care hun. x x

Oh LDOM

Thank you so much for sharing all of that. We are about to embark on IVF ourselves and this really useful.

I have followed your story on here and your blog - don't mind admitting you have moved me to tears. I really, really hope your next cycle is The One.

xx

LDOM

I'm absolutely gutted for you. You sound absolutely amazing and very brave. We go into this with ours eyes wide open but I just don't think we can prepare ourselves for a negative outcome. You now know what to expect the next time and you will be fully prepared. The next time will be BFP.

I started the sniffer last Sunday and I swear im sat in a bikini in my living room... Nobody tells you about hot bloody flushes do they... lol

Take care

Em x

LDOM, I really cannot find the right words to say how sorry I am. I so wanted this to happen for you sweetie. I really admire your strength and determination. It is also extremely generous of you to post all of this to help the rest of us out when you are feeling so horrendous. It is much appreciated. I wish you so much luck for your next cycle honey....here's praying this will finally be your time. Give yourself time to grieve now sweetie, as you say those embabies were part of you both and will be sadly missed and never forgotten xxxx

Oh LDOM I am gutted for you. I can only imagine how painful it is for you at the moment. I am glad that yourself and OH have had some time to get to grips with the BFN. However, as you said spotting can also be a sign of an IVF pregnancy - so do you think that extra 24 hours could hold some hope? I think you're an incredibly strong woman to put yourself through something so financially, physically and emotionally draining. It's just not fair when people who really want a child so badly have to go through these routes and people who couldn't care less just seem to fall at the drop of a hat.. I really hope the next cycle will be the one. Chin up and big hugs x

LDOM I'm so sorry my lovely. I'm sure your advice will be really helpful for the other ladies. I'm thinking of you chick XXX

Thank you for finding the time, energy and strength to write that up for those us us just starting it is so useful.

I think you are being amazing about this, i know its hard to express extactly how your heart is breaking but your doing really really well.

I hope with all my heart that you will never have to go through this loss again.

Big hugs to you.

Gem x