and I really wish I could just wake up and have my baby.

Sorry but I'm needing to have a wee moan. Most of the time now I'm 'ok'. Sometimes though I just feel so unbelievably low and totaly shitty( sorry for swearing!). I just think sometimes how the hell did we end up here like this? All I have ever wanted is to be a mum, to be a family. Nothing else has ever mattered to me. And I have two babies taken away from me. Why? It's so unfair. I know I will be a good mum. It's just hard for me when I see people with babies and bumps who misstreat them, drinking and smoking when there pregnant for example. I would never dream of drinking or smoking when I was pregnant, I didn't even let russel near me after he had had a cigarette, when I was pregnant. I did everything right, ate all the right things, avoided all the things your told to. I put my everything into my baby girl and I still didn't get to 'keep' her. Sorry I'm not saying I'm perfect and deserve to be a mum more than anyone else, I just wish I could have my babies.

I hate thinking of what could have been, it's so hard. I've got a cupboards full of baby things, suitcases full of clothes, a head full of memories of excitment/worry and everything else that comes with pregnancy. I walk past the babyshop we bought our pram from most days and see the exact same pram we bought, the pram I made russel put up so I could 'practice' pushing it around, the pram I put Darceys first little pink blanket in with a teddy and pushed around my living room soooo excited. The pram that a few weeks later was being taken back apart and returned to the shop because my baby girl had gone :-( I just feel so awful to remember how happy I felt. And I know( I hope) that by this time next year I hopefully with have a baby or be heavily pregnant I'm just so scared things are going to go wrong again. I couldn't cope if it did. I wish I could have my nievety(sp?) of pregnancy back.

Anyway I think that's my wee rant over, no need to reply, it just helps me to write my thoughts down so I can read it back and be rational to myself!

Love u lots Darcey xxx