Hi ladies,

This is my first post on here, sorry if I'm not meant to be here!!

I am normally in the born in June '09 forum, but have been feeling so miserable lately, I kind of dont want to post on there anymore and dont want to bring the other ladies down/them get fed up of me moaning all of the time.

i dont know if what im about to tell you is PND or just the baby blues??

Please feel free to tell me to bugger off it i dont belong on here lol
Where to start - Sorry this will prob be a long post....

Am 25 with a 9 week old baby girl, am engaged to my oh, have been for a year, when we got engaged we were already ttc, so didnt make any firm wedding plans, and then i fell pg a month after getting engaged so now plans on hold - which is fine.

Had an easy pregnancy, had lo at 41 + 1, ended up with epidural, forceps and an episiotomy - I didnt think labour was that bad, painful until epidural kicked in, but all ok.

For me, the worst bit has been the recovery, I cant tell you how many times, in the 1st few days I cried my eyes out due to the pain of even walking from the kitchen to the bathroom, even turning over in bed hurt. I couldnt reach over to pick lo up as it hurt so much. My stitches ended up coming apart and had to see the mw/dr every other day for 4 weeks, Im still not healed 'down there' yet, but feeling much better and only get a bit 'achey' after alot of activity.

Breastfeeding didnt work out for us, lo is very very hungry, and i had very sore,cracked nipples and dreaded every feed - also due to the pain of sitting up to feed her - sitting on my stitches etc, so after 2 weeks we switched to bottles - much better.

I lost alot of blood during delivery, and had 3 drips of iron, and a 28 day course of iron tablets, so felt very dizzy even standing up for a long time, very pale etc - am ok now.

Dont have many friends with lo's. My 'pre-preg' friends dont have children, so although i still see them, its really hard to hold a normal conversation/concentrate on what they are saying to me when lo is around. I met one girl who has a lo similar age to mine, who is lovely, we see each other every few weeks, and its lovely to have someone to talk to, she always understands what im going through etc.

Please see my other posts re - upset about my appearance - too long to put on here - and bore you all with - but its something thats really bothering me - every minute of everyday.

Today, lo just wouldnt settle or sleep all day, and i found myself getting really teary and feeling worthless for not being able to settle her - why couldnt i just realise that lo's have days like this?

Its my bday on thursday, and ohwas wrapping my presents last night, but was faffing around with a pic he'd got blown up of lo one for, trying to put it in a frame etc, so i told him not to bother wrapping everything etc. So he didnt, he ended up giving me my presents last night, which he is normally very strict about not letting me open anything until my actual bday. He bought me some clothes and a lovely pic of lo, but i kind of felt a bit unloved. For all of my previous bdays he has gone to loads of effort, got me lovely presents (last bday he proposed) etc so iwas kind of disappointed (i sound so selfish) my mum is currently on jury service and lives about 25 miles away from us, so she said ' i wont come over on your bday as im doing jury service and want to enjoy it' again, it make me feel worthless, like i dont matter anymore to my family. When my mum or dad or mil come over, they grab lo from me and ask me about her, never about me. Please dont think i sound jealous of her, as im not, i love her with all my heart and would die before i even let her feel any pain, but i want to feel oved/attractive/important etc aswell.

I normally will snap out of this 'down' feeling within a day or so, but have been feeling it more and more lately.

As i said before - see my 'appearnce topic' as i dont want to repeat myself and you all read this twice - but everytime i go out, i feel SO self conscious of my appearance i want to just come back home.

Cany anyone offer any advice/ or feel free to tell me to bugger off i dont belong here etc!!

My oh and i dont sit and watch tv together etc as lo is always with us, we dont really kiss or cuddle, we are both always so tired, whereas i can overcome my tiredness and just get on with it, but he cant.

My mil also critises me, telling me i spoil lo by letting her fall asleep on me, have dressed her in too much/too little etc which doesnt help.

I'm so sorry this post is an essay, i hope you get to the bottom and can offer me some advice
thank you xxx

[Modified by: Girl09 on 09 September 2009 00:22:37 ]

you have definately got PND.I had exactly the same thing everything anyone said to me i took as a criticism, why has that teddy got no stuffing, becasue its a comforter and a load of tears.No you are not selfish to feel unloved i think its difficult when the whole of your pregnancy the attention has been on you and suddenly its not people do start to not see you and only see your child which although lovely can be a little depressing.my daughter is 9 months old and i still have the appearance hang ups, thats more of a state of mind thing and you should ask yourself how you felt about yourself before you had baby.i would really suggest going to speak to your doctor or hv because the sooner you get to the bottom of it the better and youll being able to enjoy things more again.it does get better but not overnight and you and your body have been through a traumatic experience.and remember men always make more of a fuss over things than woman!

i am feeling somewhat similar and this is now after 8mths with 2nd baby. Dont feel guilty about having cuddles with your baby though if you are doing bottles then cuddles are definately important and even if you have a doze while you are holding baby so what you need your rest. I still like the odd cuddle with my boy now even my 2 1/2 year old and reminds me how independant he suddenly is now he is getting older. See your GP i think i need to see mine.
Hannah

Thanks for your replies ladies. I'm feeling so much better this week, i really don't think i have got pnd, i believe i just let myself get dragged down with feeling crap about my body etc, plus i didn't sleep alot last week which always maker things seem worse. Will speak to dr tho anyway.x