ladies this is going to be a really long one sorry.
My mum started suffering with depression when my sister was born 20 years ago, it lead to manic depression and her being sectioned. Whislt she was suffering with pnd my grandma and auntie died of breast cancer within a year of each other and she became obssesed that she was going to get it. Since my sister was born she's been under the care of the psyciatric team, and she seemed to get better when we moved house 15 years ago. Then she got worst again and persuaded a consultant to carry out a double mystectomy (removing both boobs) and she had this done and was ok again, but thn she decided she was developing bowel cancer and spent thousands on seeing a private consultant. Anyway that was about 10 years ago now.
Since then my relationship with her has been rocky she stolen money from me, used my credit cards and cheque book without asking opened catalogue accounts in my name (not since i left home though). When i got married she took the honeymooon money my dad had saved and booked herself a holiday with it and had an affair whilst she was there,she also had an affair with my wedding photographer. I didn't tell her about my 2nd miscarage for ages as she'd told me it was my fault she had to go back on anti depressants as she couldn't cope with the 1st one.
Ontop of that she's always told me that to be attractive you have to be slim, so i had lots of problems with food when i was younger right uptill meeting my dh, and even now that i am larger i still have some problems . My mum doesn't eat properly before she goes on holliday she crash diets (well she doesn't eat) till she gets to a size 4 (she has 3 holidays a year all paid for on my dads credit card without asking, he hasn't been on holiday in10 years) anyway if we go out she's always eaten, but last time i met her we went for something to eat and she refussed to have anything other than a diet coke, and then started telling me she's worried she's got bowel cancer as she's having problems with her stomach. I nearly snapped at her then but i didn't, what's brought this about is i'm supposed to be meeting her today
. Since having pippa i've really had no patience with my mum. I don't won't pippa to grow up with mum's eating problems and fears running her life, i really don't want her developing the same problems with food i had, because of my mum.
Part of me want's to tell my mum if she wants to be part of pippa's life she needs to get her act together, but if she couldn't do it for her own children why would she do it for her gandchild. Also if i stop seeing her she'll make my dad's life hell and as you can imagine he puts up with enough already. I stoped speaking to my mum for a year when she told her friends i was only seeing her for her money! But my brother has a really rare condition and he nearly died so i spoke to her again. I really don't know what to do about her as you can imagine our relationship is so complicated, i love her as my mum but don't like her as a person.
Again really sorry for the long post but thought you ladies might have some suggestions
xxx

Oh my goodness poor you. How can some parents be so selfish? Sorry for sounding blunt. Your Mum clearly has problems which I understand, I grew up with a manic depressive Mum who constantly tried to take her own life with her final attempt working 10 years ago. So I understand how you feel - however this does not excuse your Mum's behaviour. I wouldn't want my children subjected to the things that I saw because of my Mum so I would be the same as you.

If my Mum was still here I would say to her that it is not acceptable. As an adult you would think that they have the emotional capacity to understand how your upbringing affected you. You have every right to want better for your child. Pippa doesns't deserve this. I would tell my Mum that she needs to sort herself out or would not be around my children. Hard I know but you gotta think about Pippa

xxx

Thanks for the kind words, i know i'm going to have to say something to her but it's just going to be so hard, as i know she'll take it out on my dad. She doesn't understand (or chooses not to ) how her behaviour effects other people. I'mquite lucky as i don't liv with her any longer, it's my brother and sisters i feel sorry for as they live with her.
xx

I understand how hard it is going to be. Your poor Dad! He truly deserves a medal. She maybe doesn't realise yet how her behaviour affects you all perhaps if you did have a talk with her it may help her to realise that she can't continue.

I know it will be tough. I really don't envy you having the conversation. My Dad recently got really depressed, every time he called he would spent nearly an hour telling me all his problems and was looking to me for emotional support - after months of it I was really drained to the point I couldn't answer the phone to him. He would never ask how I was, never have the children to stay anymore. It all felt 1 sided. We then had a massive argument. He has since realised that the only person who can sort him out is himself. I am so proud of him. He has turned his life around! Sorry to ramble my point that as tough as it may be it could work out better in the end. I hope

xxx

My dad is also ill with depression and it does seriously affect your relationships. I barely speak to him now and it's long and complicated so I won't bore you with it

I have come to two conclusions though -

1) I don't think they do realise what they are saying and doing. You say she doesn't understand (or chooses not to)...I don't think she chooses not to but simply probably doesn't understand. I think it's incredibly hard for anyone to understand how they are thinking because we haven't been there. I had pnd after SBJr and some of the things I said and did were horrible! I had no idea what I was doing to people. I think depression makes people very selfish in that they can't see past their own problems. I've tried telling my dad how he's made me feel over the years and it always gets twisted back to how he feels and what he wants. I don't think they do it on purpose - they are ill. I know Dad's medication caused a lot of problems and messed with his head as well which didn't help at all.

2) You have to accept people for who they are. It's very hard but I've finally accepted that my dad is either very ill and doesn't know what he's doing...or he's a git. Either way, I can't change that so I'm trying to accept that he is never going to be the loving Dad and Grandad he used to be - if we see him we do, if not we don't. It hurts but life is too short to keep worrying about things you can't change.

I doubt very much your mum will change, especially if she has been ill for so many years - this is normal for her now. If it makes you feel better then say something, if you think it'll change things then say something. If you think it'll just cause more problems and nothing will change then I probably wouldn't bother. It's not worth the stress on you and your family.

As for her influence on Pippa - don't panic too much about that. Whilst she might say things in front of Pippa on the occasions you see her, don't forget that YOU are with Pippa 24/7 and she is going to be more influenced by you than Grandma.

I know it's hard and it hurts when parents are like this. When I was a kid my Dad was fab and every bit the textbook Dad who adored his princesses and they adored him. This man I know today - well I don't know him and depression has taken away my fantastic Dad. I miss him a lot and sometimes I get a quick glimpse of him, that gives me hope and then he's gone again quick as a flash.

Sorry that probably hasn't been very helpful at all and has made me cry!

my dad deserves a medal the size of a dustbin lid, i really wish he'd leave her (that sounds horrible doesn't it) but i can see the stress killing him. I just wish there was some way to make it better for my family.
sb, hugs coming your way (((((())))))

Parents huh - I often wonder if my children will look back at their childhood and resent me. I hope not.

Why do our relationships with our parents have to be so complex? I DO NOT want mine to be like this with my kids.

It does sound horrible to want your Dad to leave her but sometimes it's for the best. Can't be nice for your siblings who still live at home.

Oh SB I really feel for you as well. Depression is a horrible thing. It has totally ruined my family. It's also a hard thing to over come. I too got depressed a few years ago, undiagnosed PND for 3 years. There was a gloomy cloud hanging over me for years. One day I came to the conclusion that I either beat this or ruin my life and my kids as my parents done with me. And I fought........real hard. I can truly say that the last year or 2 I have never felt happier. Which is why I think that if people want to beat it then you can. I know it is not easy or as simple as I have made out, it really was a battle but I did it cos I wanted to change & feel better

xx

I don't think you sound harsh wanting something better for your Dad - that is understandable.

Personally I can't stand my stepmum so happy for Dad to stay with her

I agree CM - it can be beaten but I think you have to realise you are ill to even be able to start trying to fight it. I don't think a lot of people with depression even realise they are ill.

Plus, parents do have a big influence over you. My Dad was brought up in a very unloving household, my Nan had depression and was an alcoholic for years so I don't think he sees it as abnormal. The last time he tried to commit suicide he was admitted into hospital and was made to see a counsellor. Apparently he admitted he didn't want to talk about his past or his problems cos it was none of his business so he clammed up. Maybe if he had then things would be different today but he's old school and thinks all the "talking mumbo jumbo" is rubbish. My grandpa was in the navy and didn't take weakness lightly, he bullied my Dad and my Uncle, then my Uncle bullied my Dad and he was never able to show a sign of weakness so I guess cos he had it drummed into him as a kid, he can't change now. Talking about feelings is classed as weakness in my Grandpa's eyes so thats that

On the other hand - like you I refused to end up like him and fought it, but then I had the support of my Mum and sister. My doctor tried to tell me about 5yrs ago that I was depressed again and I said "No - I am not like my father" and pulled my socks up!

Sometimes I do slip though and go into that dark place again, shut off the world and can't face anyone or anything and no matter how hard I try, you can't just snap out of it. It takes me a couple of days, then I feel silly (even though no one knew ) so it takes me another couple of days to show my face to anyone

I don't think you ever shake off depression properly

thanks ladies it's really helped just to know i'm not the only one with a messed up family, growing up everyone seemed to have a "normal" family and i had mine. Well done both of you for getting through it, mum does know she's ill as she'll always tell me when she is, but she doesn't seem to be able to work through it
xx

Ah but were they really normal families or just gave that impression on the outside?

I do hope things improve for you xx

Aww SB - I know that feeling as well! Lol at taking a few days to face people again. I shut myself off from the world for a day a do! Don't speak to anyone, phone, text nothing! And I need to it. It keeps me sane ;) Your poor Dad, i feel really sorry for him.

Girlsinleeds I think like SB said your Mum has to admit to herself the full extend of her illness and how that has damaged others around her. She maybe does know and it's easy for her to continue how she is rather than face up to the truth?!

What is a 'normal' family eh?!

xx

Awwww bless ya hun i totally know where your coming from. My mum was sectioned when i was 2 and i had to go into foster care for a year. She was in and out all my life. She now suffers with extreme agrophobia and bi polar but she lies and says she is fine now.. i know she isnt.

I dont know what to suggest, your mum sounds very different to mine in terms of crazyness lol, my mum was more of a sufferer in silence type, she would keep it in so not to hurt everyone else until you find her half dead in a room somewhere because she taken 100 of god knows what! Your mum sounds like she likes to take it out on everyone else too and makes everyone else suffer with her if that makes sense?

I agree that you dont need that sort of person in Pippa's life especially with the eating thing, thats pretty scary but she is your mum. Shame you cant choose family isnt it? lol.

Hugs xx