I'm sat here crying like a loon whilst hubby is at work.

I have all the symptoms under the sun that i'm pregnant and i actually 'feel' pregnant like i just know but i have had 3 BFN so far. My problem is i don't know when i ovulate i dont know if i even am ovulating i just have this fear that i'm not ovulating.

My cycles have always been all over the place, never regular so its very hard to use ovulation sticks and charting. Sometimes i miss a period all together. Im so terrified that im not ovulating its really getting to me, i thought after the mc last year that i was ovulating, well i obviously was to get pregnant but what if that was a one of ovulation and thats it.

I know im being irrationtional, i just long to see a BFP on that stick OR just to have my flamming AF and start trying again. I just feel horrible and such a failure, especially when i see all these neds and chavs pushing their buggies why can they have babies and i cant or iwhen i did get lucky enough to be pregnant its snatched away from me.

Oh hun, poor you! It must be awful having irregular cycles and not really knowing where you are! I haven't a clue since my mmc in May,I'm hoping I get back to normal soon! And I know exactly what you mean about 'chavs' and teenagers either pregnant or pushing prams- it's so unfair that they seem to get pregnant by accident and we who desperately want a baby have to go through mc and other problems!

Try and stop worrying-easier said than done but it won't be helping! And, I'm sure you'll be ovulating- after all you have been pregnant before so theres no reason why you won't conceive again! Try not to obsess about ov- just try to bd regularly throughout your cycle, and enjoy- thats what I'm trying to do!! I really think that being relaxed is the best way!

I'm sending you lots of PMA! Take care and keep smiling- your bfp will come eventually I'm sure!!xx

hi Mrs Til
You're not alone in feeling like this, its such an emotional experience and its so hard to know what your body is going to do next - I found using a CBFM easier than ovulation sticks which did make me relax in some ways
I hope you get a deffinite BFP or your AF comes soon, may be worth getting blood tests done to check you are ovulating if you haven;t already
take care
Daisyx

i'm sorry you're feeling so sad. i don't know what else to say apart from send a big hug. completly understand about chavs, a 'friend' of mine has just announced shes pg after a one nite stand and is 'gonna get rid as its too much hassle'. not that i would judge anyone for making that decision, i know everyones circumstances are different, but its just the attitude and the unfairness of it. how she cannot care about something others are longing for. i hope you're feeling better soon, good luck xx

Oh hunny I don't know what to say either and just sending you a huge huge hug xxxx

So hard with irregular cycles and I have nothing I can suggest and feel bad as want to try and help in some way :-( Am sending BFP thoughts xx

I know how you feel on the chavs.......a friends brother and his gf are pregnant, she'd 18 won't get a job (well didn't have one before anyway) and spends her day on FB saying how BF is getting paid that day and she is going to spend his wages on expensive things for her!!!!!!! She only gave up smoking the other week and she is due next month and was drinking til at least 6 months gone and it makes me sick and my friends parents rescued their cat from them as they couldn't look after that properly and they wouldn't change the litter tray etc and now they have a baby on the way and I saw her a BBQ the other week and I just wanted to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry rant over..........but I def know how you feel on that one!!!!!! LOL

Millipop it does seem totally unfair doesn't it?! That attitude sucks espesh when trying for your own when having endured an MC......everyones circumstances are different but things like that attitude do make me want to cry :-(

xxx

Thanks for your support girls it really means a lot!
The mr came home to me curled up on the sofa watching re runs of sex and the city, my face all puffed out from crying and he looked so panicked bless him and gave me the most amazing hug ever! I really needed it! He then ran me a bath and said he had to nip out for a bit, he came back with a HUGE bunch of flowers and my fav choclate cake! It made me feel a lot better and we spent the night just talking and talking. One of my major issues is i feel like such a failure and i know how amazing a father he will be and if i cant have children i wouldn't want him to miss out on that chance, he told me i would never be a failure to him regardless.

Woke up today feeling more positive, went to the toilet and had very very light bleeding so i'm sure that the bitch is on her way either by the end of today or tomorrow. I thought i would feel worse than this, but it means i can draw a line under this month and start charting. I'm going to register with Fertility Friend and use their charting and if after a few months i seem to be ovulating and i have decent length cycles i will get the Clearblue Fertility Moniter.

Sorry for the essay ladies and i really appreciate your support. Millipop i'm like you i would never judge anyone who has a termination as there are some circumstances that are for the best however i hate the ones who take the decision so lightly as if its their god given right and they can just throw it away!

Hugs and thanks ladies

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey mrs til,

sorry you've been feeling down. this whole ttc business is super hard and i feel for you.

have you been to the docs to get a test to find out why you're having the irregular cycles? i'm on cd 51 today with no idea of when or if i ovulate but i've insisted on some blood tests, which are being done tomorrow. there are things that the docs can do to help depending on what the problem is. i was feeling absolutely awful but just starting the process of getting it checked out has made me feel miles better. opks don't even work for me, as they are always positive. apparently that might be PCOS but we'll see what the blood tests say.

i threw the opks in the bin and instituded a new regime of BDing every 2 or 3 days. it's loads better than trying to work out when i ovulate and has oddly given me more hope.

i hope you get that longed for BFP very soon x

hey hun

glad you are feeling better today - your oh sounds lovely!! so glad that he handled things so well!! also pleased AF is arriving - although it isn't what we want, at least you know where you are and you can get bd'ing again!

my cycles are a bit all over the place at the moment since my d&c - last one was 39 days and i've no idea if i ov'd. also i had some mid-cycle spotting which i've never had before (other than when i was pg and it was an implantation bleed)...i've decided that if i get a -'ve this month then i am going to go and get a cbfm just to make sure i'm ovi'ng - the ov sticks didn't work for me...don't think i could hold my wee in for long enough to get a strong enough concentration of the hormone!!!

take care and fingers crossed for bfps all round this cycle...

kristen xx

Hi Luckyvic, is it luckyvic from YAYW? If so hii honey if not thanks for your support as well it really means a lot.

I did ask the doctor a while back whether he thought i may have PCOS because of my irregular cycles but he said it was unlikely as i have been pregnant within the last year (although i had a mmc) I know some women fall pregnant with PCOS so i really felt like i was being fobbed of to be honest. I have just rang the surgery after your post and i now have an appointment to see the doc again next thursday. We shall see what he says. What kind of tests are you getting done hun?

Ive ordered some opk so i will see whats happening when they come. I have heard positive results are sometimes an indicator of PCOS although my best friend has PCOS and this is not the case with her.

If you do have PCOS hun please dont dispair, there are lots of things that can be done to help and it shouldnt stop you falling pregnant. How long have you been trying?

Hugs to you xxxxx

Hi Kristen we must have been posting around the same time thank you for you support huni and im sorry to hear about your mc. Horrendous thing to happen to anyone and my heart goes out to you!

My hubby is lovely and i am so very lucky i know that!

Well here is to all of us and hope we get our BFP soon! xxxxxxx

hello mrs til,

yes, it is indeed me from Y&YW.

the blood tests i am having are thyroid function (i had a head start on demanding that as i had a partial thyroidestomy last year and the remaining bit might not be functioning as well as it should), follicle stimulating hormone levels, luteinising hormone levels and a bunch of others that i am not sure what they are. best of luck with your doc. i hope they are helpful.

i've only been trying since feb, but i'm 38. never had an irregular cycle in my life til this one. i never let myself dream i'd ever have kids until i met my husband a couple of years ago. hopefully we'll be lucky.

so sorry to hear about the mmc. i can't imagine how painful that must have been. i sincerely hope that you soon are soon blessed with a healthy pregnancy. hopefully you won't have to wait much longer, especially with the help of the opks.

hugs right back at ya xxx

Thanks luckyvic, it's nice to see you over here i always enjoyed your posts on YAYW you always gave some of the best advice!

I hope your blood tests come back ok. I had some blood tests done a while back after the mc and the doctor just told me they were all fine so when im there im going to ask him to explain them fully to me and if any are missing ask for them. I have a lovely doc so i'm hoping he takes pity on my plight!

I really hope you and your hubby get your BFP soon too, at least you are being pro active about it and at 38 thats certainly not old in todays terms. My mum had my brother at 44 and my MIL had the mr when she was 48.

I will look out for your posts let us know how you get on with your tests and everything else.

Thanks for the support and my email is open if you care to use it

xxxxxx

Hi girls - just saw the post on the main page and wanted to drop in. Firstly sorry to hear of all your losses. i know it is a really challenging time afterwards but I promise you there is light at the end of that tunnel. I had a mmc in October at 10wks and it took me a couple of months to get back on track emotionally and physically with my cycles. (Not saying that it need take that long for everyone). the frustration can be unbearable at times, and yes it does seem unfair that others can seem to just fall pregnant without even meaning to when they don't even want their baby. But try not to focus on them. I know it's hard! But your energy is much better spent on you.

Its also quite normal to feel like a failure. However you ARE NOT! I felt this way for a long time but one day just pulled myself out of it and started to feel positive about myself, and allowed myself to start dreaming and imagining being a mum. A wonderful mum. For a while I dared not imagine that baby in my arms, I was too scared - as if dreaming of what I wanted so bad would mean I would never get it. Of course that's not true. So allow yourself some good thoughts as it is much better for your health to think positive thoughts. The old saying "if you dont ask, you dont get" can ring true. So believe it will happen again.

As for your cycles being all over the place with AF and ovulation.... I felt time was beginning to run out for me - for my plans of motherhood anyway. Rather than let things control me, i took control. I went and saw a consultant and ended up being put on clomid. I went through 3 cycles, each time my dosage being doubled, and on the 3rd go my ovulation was brought in line for the first time since I could remember (I was always a late ovulator which was causing me problems). So there are ways to take control and feel more empowered, which = feeling more positive and less helpless, and definately NOT a failure.

As time goes by you may feel the need to have another cry, even after feeling so good. Its all normal. And its a good excuse for flowers and chocolate cake! Just take each day after the next and one day soon you will be going through a healthy pregnancy when you will look back on the postives that you have been able to take from such a difficult situation beforehand. It may sound strange, but believe me there are bound to be some (like growing as a person, to name just one).

xx

Hiya SIM75,

What a thoughtful, lovely and heart warming post! Thank you so much for your kind words they certainly made me feel really positive!!

You are totally right i need to start thinking more positively and believing it can happen i guess you just have to have faith!!

I'm sure i will have lapses but i know when im feeling down im going to pull this thread back up and read all the lovely ladies replies and feel much much better!

Thank you huni xxxxx

That's the way! Do have faith, cos you need it. The power of a positive mind does wonders. You do need to get there in your own time. My mum kept telling me to be more positive and I resented hearing it from her all the time as I just felt "what's the point?? it's never going to happen for me!!" But realising it for myself one day and wanting to take that chance to dream of my future again was the best thing I ever did.
It's still important to have a cry when you need to. It's part of the grieving process. The loss of your LO(s) never leaves you, and there is the loss of not being pregnant as well.
Im now 22 wks and a few weeks ago found out at our scan that Im having a boy, which is just wonderful, but I was overcome with grief again as I had truly believed it was my little girl coming back again and had thought that throughout my whole pregnancy having had contact in the spiritual world. I needed to have a good cry again, after being so happy for so long. Im over the moon to be having a baby now, but I needed to grieve some more first, and now I look forward to meeting the little man. I know she is still hovering with me in spirit.
So let yourself have a cry when you need to, but follow through with picking yourself up with something positive.

So no more fearing that you are not ovulating (don't worry, I had that very same fear!!), you ovulated before and you will be ovulating again! But for reassurance, go see a doc and find out exactly what's going on. It helps you mind relax, meaning your body will relax.

xx

Hi Mrs Til and all the other ladies who replied,

I've just read this thread and it has lifted my mood. I'm so glad that my feelings are normal, especially my anger towards chavs with babies, especially when i see them shouting at their babies instead of giving them affection when they are upset!

I don't understand how any woman can drink and smoke during pregnancy yet I did everything right and have lost two babies. It just feels so unfair.

I agree with Sim75 about trying to be positive and I am going to take a deep breath, hold my head high and try and imagine holding my own baby.

Mrs Til, I really identify with your post. I too have a lovely husband who would be a wonderful father and I want to make this dream come true for him. It might be worth trying a herbal remedy like Agnus Castus and Evening Primrose Oil to try and regulate your cycles ? I would warn you that the Clearblue Fertility Monitor is aimed at regular cycles and has caused frustration to ladies on here whose cycles are not regular. I found it good as my cycles are regular but the sticks for it are £20 a pack so it's not that cheap to run. There are cheap OV sticks on Ebay you could try but personally I've found it hard to get a + on the Superdrug ones so I'm not sure that they are worth the expense when you could just BD regularly.

At 37 I'm worried i'm running out of time so was so pleased to read that your MIL had had a baby at 48. Makes me feel so much better as all you read on pregnancy over 35 is that you'll be high risk for miscarriages, chromasomal disorders and birth complications and I really need positive news.

Thinking Positive!

Hi Mrs TIL,

have just read through the post and glad to hear you are feeling more positive, I know its not for everyone but the CBFM gave me back some of the control after our first mc which was what I needed then, I cant say I have done the charting thing but know it has been brilliant for other people using it. Think it just gives you a better insite to what is going on inside.

glad to hear that you are getting lots of support from your hubby. ttc is an emotional rollercoaster with highs and lows but having someone at your side who really cares helps you get through it, and this site is a godsend to speak to people who seem to really undertstand how you feel dont think Id be feeling as positive about things if it wasnt for all the girls on here
Luc xxx

hello mrs til,

how are you doing today?

x

hello mrs til,

how are you doing today?

x

Hi ladies!
Thank you again for all your lovely replies it is so good to be on here because you all know how i'm feeling and it's so reassuring to know my feelings are not irrational and just knowing people understand can make everything seem 100% better! Thanks to this post and the tlc from the mr i have felt so much better! So much in control of my fertility and filled with PMA! Not saying its going to always be the case but for now it deffo is!!

Hiya luckyvic i am good huni, full of PMA lol I have made two appointments for next week. One with the doctor and one with the nurse. Im hoping that he will give me some more blood tests or something and then the nurse can give me them the same day.

I have also started charting my temps on Fertility Friend as well so we shall see what happens!

How are we all today?

xxxxxx

Hello mrs,

Really glad you're feeling so much better!!

All is good here - CD13 today so the BD'ing is getting more critical...having a hectic time at the moment though, getting a new kitchen and so we've (stupidly) said we'd remove the old one....bit of a nightmare! And the oh's bro and SIL arrive tomorrow for the night so I'm busy trying to remove the layers of dust emanating fromo the kitchen!!

Glad you're feeling so fill of PMA - please let us know what the doc/nurse say - I don't know that I'm ov'ing either - if I get a BFN this month I'm gonna have to do something (CBFM?!) as we've had non-stop BD'ing for 3 months now....last time it only took 2 cycles...

Anyway, back to the dusting/hoovering/tidying...yawn!

Kxx