Hiya everyone,
Have finally gotten the time to write to you all to let you know how our day went. As a planned c section it really is quite uneventful or lacking in excitement compared to the natural births where anything can happen but it was still a very special day for me ....

We were first in line for our section so my mum came to sit with Connor at home and we trundled off to the hospital. 'Checked In' and were given pre op observations. Was really getting nervous now and had another word about what they would do with regards to Eve - still worried they were going to throw her away ...

We walked to the theatre room which was much more like a normal delivery room than I had expected but with more equipment. The anaethatist did his work and then sprayed me with a freeze spray to check it had worked - bloody hell that was cold! 5 minutes later he did it again and I couldnt feel a thing. They hoiked me onto the bed and it was so weird seeing my legs being hauled about and not feeling it.

Then the Dr came in and they were checking the tools and I got v nervous then. I was just looking at my oh and before I knew it the Dr had cut me open and was rummaging inside! Poor oh got to see it all as the screen was not big enough. He said he saw this cut, where there was this layer of yellow fat ( nice ) and as the Dr was manipulating Poppy, her head popped up out of my stomach! Was surreal! They cut the cord, clipped her and when they showed her to me, over the screen, i just broke down. She was purple and wet and shaking and crying and SO SO tiny!

They then brought another cot over and no one said a word, they just took Eve and wrapped her up so gently and I couldnt take my eyes off of her.

Eventually we went to our room and we had lots of time with Poppy, Connor came to see her and finally, when my oh took Connor home at 1.30, they brought Eve to me. She was so fragile and peaceful looking. Her little arms and legs were crossed over like they do, and her tiny little fingers and toes were perfect. She was just very pale and obviously skinny. I cant really remember much but I know that I held her and kissed her and said sorry maybe a hundred times. I knew this was my moment to say goodbye and that we had to move on but she was/is still my other little darling.

The hospital chaplain then came around and we had a blessing done for the two girls. Eve and Poppy laid side by side in Poppy's crib. The blessing was perfect and then they took her away and I am now in bits again because I cant hold her anymore.

We had the girls on Wednesday morning and initially Poppy had a lot of mucus on her lungs so she wasnt feeding prperly but by Thursday night she had sicked most of itup and was doing really well. We came home Friday lunch time and apart from her bing a little constipated ( formula milk problem ) she is a little poppet.

I still have to make arrangements for Eves cremation but havent been able to find the courage to call them. It has been hectic here. I had to go back to work on Tuesday but there were problems so had to go back yesterday too. Have been driving locally and getting lectured at by midwife/mother/kindly people to take it easy but if I keep busy then I dont think about everything too much.

I know I have a tough day tomorrow sorting things out and just want to hold it off - then she's not gone forever??

I know I am lucky to have Poppy but I cant cope with the sadness I feel for my other girl. I know I sound selfish and I am sorry for that as I am not a bad person.

Tx

I'm so sorry, you've been so strong and brave to go through all of this. It must have been so hard for you to have to go home without Eve, I hope in time you find some peace that your two girls had some very special time together, and that they were blessed together.

It must be so surreal at the moment, feeling so happy to have little Poppy home but at the same time such grief and sadness for Eve.

I really hope that in time things get easier for you.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to e-mail me.

Take care hun, my thoughts are with you and your family, special kisses to heaven for Eve
x x

Your not selfish at all, i dont believe anyone would feel any different, and the mixed emotions of delight at the safe arrival of Poppy and grief over the loss of Eve i think make it much harder to deal with.

I do understand what you are saying about keeping busy but please try and rest as well and take care of yourself, im sure your bottom of a very long list but you are important.

Im really glad that everything went the best it could under the cirumstances and the blessing sounds beautiful. Im so glad you got to give her a cuddle.

Love to all of you and do the next step in your own time

big hugs

xxDBxx

Aww sweetie hugs, Your story has me in tears, I'm so glad you got to spend time with Eve, and saying goodbye must have been the hardest thing ever, you are so strong. All the best with Poppy for the future xxxxxxxxxx

As the others have said what a very sad story i really feel for you. It must have been the hardest thing you have ever had to do, i do hope poppy brings you happiness i'm sure she does but that doesn't help with the grief you have for baby eve.

I admire all you ladies on this forum you are all amazing amazing ladies and how you stay so strong i will never know.

All my love

Danielle
xxx

Oh hunnie I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful little girl Eve . and your not selfish at all, your very strong and brave.
I know what you mean that you dont want to plan the cremation and it is tough getting everything sorted but you have to carry on being strong (easier said then done) because when i lost my little boy i never wanted to do the funeral but i know i had to so i could finally lay him to rest and i could see he was ready to go and his body looked tired (if you know what i mean). Its the hardest thing you could ever do but i feel it does make you feel better as you know she will be finally at rest and you can visit all the time.
No one can say anthing to make you feel better and you will have good days and bad days but we are all here for you and will be thinking of you all.
Just remember all our babies are playing together in heaven.
Take care sweetie and hope it all goes well.
Nikki xxxx

Honey, your story had me in tears. Such a beautiful way to say "goodbye for now", but you MUST NOT feel guilty honey. It wasn't your fault, nothing you could have done.
You are so amazing to go through this, and stay so strong. I'd never haved coped half as well as you, and I can't imagine how it must feel.
Eve will always be with you, and will live on through your memories, and her sister Poppy.
All my love honey, thinking of you x x x

I feel a bit like I'm prying being on here but I just read another post on here about finding it comforting that others take the time to read (and post) about those little ones that are now out of reach for a little while. So on that note I felt it only right that I post after reading about your little girls. Eve sounds like such a precious little girl and I know that she will be in your thoughts and heart every day from here forward. You are an inspiration for dealing with such a difficult time with such courage. I really hope you don't mind me posting xxx

Your story is just so sad and when i read it i was in tears....it just brings back all the memories not that i can ever forget them but it just pulls at my heart strings!!!
Your little angel Eve is now at peace and she will always be in your hearts and thoughts forever i wish you all the best with planning the funeral for Eve its not easy but its just something that has to be done.
Im really pleased that little Poppy is doing well i bet she is just amazing.
Thinking of you Take care kat xx

Have only just seen this but crying my eyes out. I really cannot begin to imagine how you feel to have the happiest day of your life also the saddest.
you and your girls are in my thoughts.xxxx

I've just seen this on the front page and really felt I had to comment. I am amazed at your strength and braveness. You wrote about you're heartbreaking experience so eloquently that I'm sitting here in tears. The blessing sounds beautiful and I hope you will find the same strength for the days, weeks and months to come. You do not come across as selfish at all, your thoughts and feelings are completely natural.You have such a mixture of emotions to deal with at the moment alongside hormonal changes and you are entitled to feel all of these. You need to grieve in your own way as well as celebrating the arrival of Poppy, take your time doing this and don't feel guilty for taking as long as you need.You and your girls are in my thoughts.

God bless xx

i dont know what to say but wanted you to know that i am thinking of you and your special girls. x

I know this thread is a couple of weeks old but your story had me in tears, what truly conflicting emotions you must be having and you sound so so brave.

I hope the cremation went well and you are enjoying having Poppy safe at home, I am sure Eve is watching over you all xx