i think i need to write my birth story and get it out and make sense of what happened. am feeling really blue at the moment and the sense of dread and guilt wont go away so im gonna write it down now and see if it makes me feel bettr and release some trapped tension.
well after being told by every consultant and mw i saw that i should expect ruby anytime from 37 weeks+ and that she would deff be early and that my first birth only 18 months before hand was a dream at 39 weeks perfect birth, long but fun spent most time at home getting to hospital at 7cm giggling with mw's getting high on gas and air, having ella leaving hospital in the morning, dream baby, great sleeper great eater and i was totally expecting a totall repeat performance. i mean why would it be any different this time around? but it was.
at 10 days overdue on thurs 18th dec at 9.30am we went in for induction, i had kissed elena-mae goodbye and left her with nanny and told her what was happening and not to worry i would see her tomorrow.
we got in and told to wait in the breastfeeding room as they wernt aware i was supposed to be there then an hour later i was taken to a ward. the mw told us there was 4 women to be induced and they could only do 3 at a time so i would have to wait so wait we did, at 3pm she came back and decided to check if i was actually a candidate for the inducing gel that i was waiting for... i wasnt i was too far dilated to have the gel inserted she said she would let delivery know and that i now only had to wait for delivery to become free and break my waters. yay. this was good i had skipped a stage i just had to wait.
by 8pm i was getting a bit worried that dh would be sent home as isiting hours were over, i asked mw if it was likely i would be taken though tonight she said no, it will most likely be 5 or 6am and paul would have to leave.
the ward i was in was miles away from anyone and totaly empty bar me paul left and was trying to cover his tears as he left. i was all alone missing dh and elena-mae and scared to death of the ghoslty ward i tried to sleep but had mild contractions every 5 mins and didnt sleep for longer than two hours.
5am came and went so did 6am no mw came. at 9.30am 3 new women came into the ward to be induced a new mw came in and told them all there was now three women in front of them and that they wouldnt be done today but they had to stay till they could be done or lose their place. one woman starts to sob. at 10.30am dh comes in he hasnt slept at all well as he stayed at his mums and had to sleep in ellas room she awoke and screamed at him she as angry that we had left her she didnt stop screaming till ealry hours and then he couldnt sleep afterwards so looked a tital state, he even laid jumpers on the floor to try to get comfy and kip. i was monitored and was contracting regualy i was thrilled thinking things were really moving at 6pm iwas told delivery was still too busy and that at 8pm dh would have to leave again i was still contracting and the pain was getting intense and i was terrified about the prospect of going through early labour (which i was now in) totally alone just cos of the visiting policy. i begged the mw to do a ve she said there was little point but i said i w=needed to know before dh went home that this baby wasnt coming out naturaly while he wasnt with me as it would take at least 35 mins for him to get back to hospital. she did an internal check and found me to me 3cm. i had been 3cm on wednesday. i hadnt budged an inch. the contractions were painful but not enough. i neded inducing and wasnt gonna happen alone. dh had to go home again.
elena-mae had never been away from me for longer thana night before all i could think about was how she was feeling how this was affecting her, did she wonder where i was? did she worry? i couldnt sleep at all so i just laid there in tears .
at midnight a mw burst in and said dont go to sleep (as if!) its time they will take you through now, i phoned dh who had finaly just got to sleep telling him what was happening he was so sleepy i hoped it had sunk in. 2 mins later he phone my bedside phone and asked if he was alowed to come too! pmsl, i knew he was sleepy! so i was taken through to delivery snd put on monitor and bp machine and dh got there quickly. the delivery suit was freezing wind howled at the window and i remember feeing shivery. mw popped my waters and i walked about i had about 5 contractions i could stand up fro before colapsing on the bed. the pain was excruciating like my last labour but 10 times more painful and almost instantly the contractions were on top of each other with no space to breath no releif within 2 hours i was begging for an epidural absolutely begging, had epidural and he missed touching a nerve it felt like being stabbed in the whole nervous sytem witha pane of ice. but eventually it was in and worked.
i then got really sick and was white as a sheet and vomiting and shaking all over i had blankets and jumpers over me and i felt like ice i could still feel pain and pressure down below although could no longer feel contractions. at 6.45am i told mw i was ready to push so she casualy said ok when you are ready start to push her down, and turned to speak to her other collegue. i scraemed my head off and she looked round exclaimed and threw a towel under me. ruby grace was pushed out in only 3 mins!
i was so shocked at the speed of it and her size she was enormous! 9lb 6oz ! mw looked at her looked at other mw and said grimly, that was lucky! ruby had a big tight knot in her cord only 1% of babies have this and most have to have c sections and a fair few dont survive at all! i could have lost her so easily.
she was given to me and i was so exhausted i fed her and fell asleep for a few hhours.
i was taken to the ward and given a private room as they were full. i was told i could get checked out in 12 hours and i could go home. i decided to send dh home at 1pm as he was shattered and i needed to make sure ella was ok p;lus i would be home soon. i didnt bother with the ward dinner as we planned to have a indian when i got home. at 6pm i asked when i was gonna be discharged mw looked suprised and said well i doubt it will be tonight now as they are too busy. you will have to stay here.
i burst into exhausted tears. ruby cos of her speedy enterabce to the world hadnt squeezed the fluid out of her lungs and wouldnt sleep or feed and kept foaming at the mouth this was frightening and tiring on my 3rd night oflteraly no sleeping and full onlabour. plus i was totaly alone and starving hungry i didnt even have other mums to chat to as i was in the little room so i sat and rocked her begging her to sleep which she didnt. while i cried my eyes out.
10am finaly came round and dh came in i was so relieved to see him i packed all my stuff and was told i would be checked out by midday by half one i was bawling my eyes out convinced i would be there another night. dh rand the buzzer and mw said i take it you are just ringing cos you want to go home? and left again. i begged her i needed to see ella that she would never forgive me for being away and she decided to get the ward sister to do the check instead of the doctor as i was upset and finaly we could go home.
the following days ella hated me and hasnt even now gotten back to normal with me she didnt understand where i had been and was upset over the new arrival she has been acting terribly ever since and i physically hurts me to know i have caused her to be confused and be upset. ruby didnt sleep for days cos of the fluid and cries pretty much whenever she is awake. i feel guilty painfully guilty as it was my idea to have another baby even tho loads of people were against it and said i was mad i feel guilty for doing this to ella who was so happy before and now she isnt and i feel guilty to ruby as she didnt ask to be here but she is and i am stressed and not coping and crying and shouting at ellla all the time and she is crying all the time so she is obviously not happy either and i feel guilty cos i know dh is worried about me as i keep crying but i cant help it. i just feel like i am doing it all wrong and maybe i should have listened to p[eople before but now she is here and i love her but i have ruined things for everyone now.
ok. now i have spent an hour witing this i dont feel any better realy maybe i will when i re read this, but i have probably bored you all senseless sorry about that!
but thats aboiut it thanks for baring with me lol

aww seetie, I really feel for you, it sounds as though you have really been through it. You are coping, it is just really hard adjusting from having one baby to having 2, elena-mae doesnt hate you and she will come round. When I had my 2nd I felt exactly as you do now. I had her late (1st baby was early) she was massive 10lb 12oz and I had a traumatic birth too. She did nothing but cry and Jakes behaviour was awful and he was really horrible to me. I didnt think he would ever forgive me, I thought I had ruined my life. I know its hard and I promise it will get better, Make sure you take time out for you and ella to spend time together, pretty soon you will wonder what life was like without her. take care. hugs xxxxxx

Hi,
just read your story. You have been through it1 Your daughter will come round. I was a single parent with my first boy who is now 5 and my new baby is 17 weeks I felt eactly the same as u as was in and out of hospital for the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Luckily, my eldest is coping well however I have days when I don't!!! What u are feeling is perfectly normal and will pass and things will get easier. My oh works away and has only seen our baby twice but it is worth it when they both smile!! Not matter how bad things get when the boys give me a smile all else fades away!
Good luck xxx

Oh you poor, poor honey xxxxxxxx There's no need to feel guilty at all, Ella will come round and she'll thank you later for giving him a little sister. My DH is an only child and has always said that he wished he had a brother or sister to play with when he was younger.I think it will just take a while for her to adjust to the new arrival. Could your DH take the baby for a couple of hours while you spend some quality time with Ella, maybe buy a new toy and play with that with her or something?
Have you been to see your GP and told him your worries, sometimes its just nice to talk to a professional about how you're feeling. And is there anything they can do for Ruby and her lungs? I have experience of having a baby who screams all day and night and won't sleep and I know how AWFUL it is, I was just in tears all the time for 6 weeks, couldn't go out or anything, thinking what a bad mother I was.
Lots and lots and lots of love, keep us posted xxxxxxxxx