Hi girls,

This sounds so pathetic but my friend asked me yesterday if we were going to have another baby soon and my face must have said it all! I 've never told anyone how I feel as it sounds so pathetic but I told her and she said it wasn't right to still be feeling like this.

I had a rough time with Ruby.

She was breech until 39.6 weeks and was then back to back. I was induced at 2 weeks overdue and she was still back to back. The contractions were unbearable from about 5 hours after the induction drugs and she wasn't born for another 18 hours. As she was back to back all the pain was in my back and felt like it was breaking, as well as the normal pain of contractions. No one checked me afer I got to 3cm, which was about lunchtime, so by 10pm hubby went and kicked up a stink as I was still on the maternity ward and couldn't help but scream. I was asking him to kill me as I couldn't bear the thought of it getting worse. So they finally listened and took me up to the labour ward where they examined me to find I was infact fully dialted and said I needed to start pushing. I wasn't allowed any pain relief until now as it would have slowed down the labour, but they still wouldn't give me an epidural as they now said I was too far gone and that it wouldn't kick in till after she was born.

They said she was minutes away and to keep pushing, but 5 hours later I was still pushing. They said that every time a contraction went she went back in again! Nice!

Ruby's heartbeat suddenly dropped and I was leaking meconium so the poor thing was obviously so distressed. They were setting up for an emergency c-section and finally gave me an epidural but whilst they were setting up they tried a ventouse and she finally came out.

She had breathing difficulties so took her away and the room was full with doctors and peadatricians (sp?) and midwives etc.

I had to go to theatre to be sewn up and since reading my notes i learnt I had a 3rd degree tear.

The epidural kicked in soon after I gave birth so I was completely out of it with stress and the epidural.

I never felt the huge rush of love with Ruby which made me feel so guilty but now I can see it's probably because of the whole experience.

I still think about this experience nearly everyday, it's almost like flashbacks but not, and it really scares me. When I go to the loo I feel sick as remember how painful it was to wee and poo (sorry) for so long after.

I really wish I could just get over it like everyone else does but I can't.

I always wanted more than one baby but could never go through that again, which makes me so sad.

Anyway, I don't know what i'm trying to say here, I guess I just needed to write it down and get it off my chest!

Thank you for reading!

Amy xx

I had an emergency section in feb 2006 with my eldest horrible experience and it still bothers me sometimes although not as bad as it used to,it affected me really badly for a good year and a half after. Then i had my 2nd son, lovely birth although i did 3rd degree tear, i think it was then that it helped me move on from first birth. It is hard but it does get better with time x

Oh Amy, I didn't realise you had such a tough time of it.

I too had a 3rd degree tear (although it was undiagnosed directly after the birth) and the pain was terrible when going to the loo, I totally know where you are coming from when you feel sick at the thought of it.
Because my tear hasn't healed I still can't go to the toilet properly, I struggle to use my pelvic floors to "push" if that makes sense (sorry, way tmi!!!) and so everytime I am reminded of it!

I've also come to the conclusion that I won't have any more children, I love Henry more than anything in the world, but it's just not worth the risk of having more and I know I couldn't have a planned section, that's just not me.

Getting over it isn't something that is easily done, Ruby and Henry were born at similar times and I still think about my birth and what happened afterwards all the time, I am going to a birth afterthougths meeting next week, I am about to post about it, but have you thought about something similar? Perhaps having the opportunity to talk through what happened with someone, really go through your notes properly and discuss how you can avoid similar things if you have another baby may help you to come to terms with your experience?

Hi Lindsay,

I hope your talk goes well tomorrow, will you come on here or facebook and tell me how it went?

I think it would benefit me but I don't think I could tell it all over again and go through all my notes. I feel like I should just block it out and try to forget about it.

I sound so pathetic! xx

Hey Amy,

Yeah of course I'll let you know how it went! I seem to be running into you on all the forums at the mo!! I think we have too much time on our hands, hehehe!

You don't sound pathetic, but my advice would have to be nothing in life gets better if you block it out! I fully expect to spend a lot of tomorrow in tears and being a bit of a wreck, but I think it will be better afterwards, if only to get off my chest how I feel about it all.

Thinking about it, I'll find you on facebook cos I'd like to find out how you're doing with the whole thing with your OH, things haven't been all that great for me in that respect of late, but I'm hoping we've sorted some stuff out over the last couple of days.....I don't if it's just normal stuff we're going through because of the addition of Henry...

I'll talk to you tomorrow, my appointment isn't until half 3 so it won't be until evening time!