I'm sat here crying like a loon whilst hubby is at work.

I have all the symptoms under the sun that i'm pregnant and i actually 'feel' pregnant like i just know but i have had 3 BFN so far. My problem is i don't know when i ovulate i dont know if i even am ovulating i just have this fear that i'm not ovulating.

My cycles have always been all over the place, never regular so its very hard to use ovulation sticks and charting. Sometimes i miss a period all together. Im so terrified that im not ovulating its really getting to me, i thought after the mc last year that i was ovulating, well i obviously was to get pregnant but what if that was a one of ovulation and thats it.

I know im being irrationtional, i just long to see a BFP on that stick OR just to have my flamming AF and start trying again. I just feel horrible and such a failure, especially when i see all these neds and chavs pushing their buggies why can they have babies and i cant or iwhen i did get lucky enough to be pregnant its snatched away from me.

Oh hun, poor you! It must be awful having irregular cycles and not really knowing where you are! I haven't a clue since my mmc in May,I'm hoping I get back to normal soon! And I know exactly what you mean about 'chavs' and teenagers either pregnant or pushing prams- it's so unfair that they seem to get pregnant by accident and we who desperately want a baby have to go through mc and other problems!

Try and stop worrying-easier said than done but it won't be helping! And, I'm sure you'll be ovulating- after all you have been pregnant before so theres no reason why you won't conceive again! Try not to obsess about ov- just try to bd regularly throughout your cycle, and enjoy- thats what I'm trying to do!! I really think that being relaxed is the best way!

I'm sending you lots of PMA! Take care and keep smiling- your bfp will come eventually I'm sure!!xx

hi Mrs Til
You're not alone in feeling like this, its such an emotional experience and its so hard to know what your body is going to do next - I found using a CBFM easier than ovulation sticks which did make me relax in some ways
I hope you get a deffinite BFP or your AF comes soon, may be worth getting blood tests done to check you are ovulating if you haven;t already
take care
Daisyx

i'm sorry you're feeling so sad. i don't know what else to say apart from send a big hug. completly understand about chavs, a 'friend' of mine has just announced shes pg after a one nite stand and is 'gonna get rid as its too much hassle'. not that i would judge anyone for making that decision, i know everyones circumstances are different, but its just the attitude and the unfairness of it. how she cannot care about something others are longing for. i hope you're feeling better soon, good luck xx

Oh hunny I don't know what to say either and just sending you a huge huge hug xxxx

So hard with irregular cycles and I have nothing I can suggest and feel bad as want to try and help in some way :-( Am sending BFP thoughts xx

I know how you feel on the chavs.......a friends brother and his gf are pregnant, she'd 18 won't get a job (well didn't have one before anyway) and spends her day on FB saying how BF is getting paid that day and she is going to spend his wages on expensive things for her!!!!!!! She only gave up smoking the other week and she is due next month and was drinking til at least 6 months gone and it makes me sick and my friends parents rescued their cat from them as they couldn't look after that properly and they wouldn't change the litter tray etc and now they have a baby on the way and I saw her a BBQ the other week and I just wanted to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry rant over..........but I def know how you feel on that one!!!!!! LOL

Millipop it does seem totally unfair doesn't it?! That attitude sucks espesh when trying for your own when having endured an MC......everyones circumstances are different but things like that attitude do make me want to cry :-(

xxx

Thanks for your support girls it really means a lot!
The mr came home to me curled up on the sofa watching re runs of sex and the city, my face all puffed out from crying and he looked so panicked bless him and gave me the most amazing hug ever! I really needed it! He then ran me a bath and said he had to nip out for a bit, he came back with a HUGE bunch of flowers and my fav choclate cake! It made me feel a lot better and we spent the night just talking and talking. One of my major issues is i feel like such a failure and i know how amazing a father he will be and if i cant have children i wouldn't want him to miss out on that chance, he told me i would never be a failure to him regardless.

Woke up today feeling more positive, went to the toilet and had very very light bleeding so i'm sure that the bitch is on her way either by the end of today or tomorrow. I thought i would feel worse than this, but it means i can draw a line under this month and start charting. I'm going to register with Fertility Friend and use their charting and if after a few months i seem to be ovulating and i have decent length cycles i will get the Clearblue Fertility Moniter.

Sorry for the essay ladies and i really appreciate your support. Millipop i'm like you i would never judge anyone who has a termination as there are some circumstances that are for the best however i hate the ones who take the decision so lightly as if its their god given right and they can just throw it away!

Hugs and thanks ladies

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey mrs til,

sorry you've been feeling down. this whole ttc business is super hard and i feel for you.

have you been to the docs to get a test to find out why you're having the irregular cycles? i'm on cd 51 today with no idea of when or if i ovulate but i've insisted on some blood tests, which are being done tomorrow. there are things that the docs can do to help depending on what the problem is. i was feeling absolutely awful but just starting the process of getting it checked out has made me feel miles better. opks don't even work for me, as they are always positive. apparently that might be PCOS but we'll see what the blood tests say.

i threw the opks in the bin and instituded a new regime of BDing every 2 or 3 days. it's loads better than trying to work out when i ovulate and has oddly given me more hope.

i hope you get that longed for BFP very soon x

hey hun

glad you are feeling better today - your oh sounds lovely!! so glad that he handled things so well!! also pleased AF is arriving - although it isn't what we want, at least you know where you are and you can get bd'ing again!

my cycles are a bit all over the place at the moment since my d&c - last one was 39 days and i've no idea if i ov'd. also i had some mid-cycle spotting which i've never had before (other than when i was pg and it was an implantation bleed)...i've decided that if i get a -'ve this month then i am going to go and get a cbfm just to make sure i'm ovi'ng - the ov sticks didn't work for me...don't think i could hold my wee in for long enough to get a strong enough concentration of the hormone!!!

take care and fingers crossed for bfps all round this cycle...

kristen xx

Hi Luckyvic, is it luckyvic from YAYW? If so hii honey if not thanks for your support as well it really means a lot.

I did ask the doctor a while back whether he thought i may have PCOS because of my irregular cycles but he said it was unlikely as i have been pregnant within the last year (although i had a mmc) I know some women fall pregnant with PCOS so i really felt like i was being fobbed of to be honest. I have just rang the surgery after your post and i now have an appointment to see the doc again next thursday. We shall see what he says. What kind of tests are you getting done hun?

Ive ordered some opk so i will see whats happening when they come. I have heard positive results are sometimes an indicator of PCOS although my best friend has PCOS and this is not the case with her.

If you do have PCOS hun please dont dispair, there are lots of things that can be done to help and it shouldnt stop you falling pregnant. How long have you been trying?

Hugs to you xxxxx

Hi Kristen we must have been posting around the same time thank you for you support huni and im sorry to hear about your mc. Horrendous thing to happen to anyone and my heart goes out to you!

My hubby is lovely and i am so very lucky i know that!

Well here is to all of us and hope we get our BFP soon! xxxxxxx

hello mrs til,

yes, it is indeed me from Y&YW.

the blood tests i am having are thyroid function (i had a head start on demanding that as i had a partial thyroidestomy last year and the remaining bit might not be functioning as well as it should), follicle stimulating hormone levels, luteinising hormone levels and a bunch of others that i am not sure what they are. best of luck with your doc. i hope they are helpful.

i've only been trying since feb, but i'm 38. never had an irregular cycle in my life til this one. i never let myself dream i'd ever have kids until i met my husband a couple of years ago. hopefully we'll be lucky.

so sorry to hear about the mmc. i can't imagine how painful that must have been. i sincerely hope that you soon are soon blessed with a healthy pregnancy. hopefully you won't have to wait much longer, especially with the help of the opks.

hugs right back at ya xxx

Thanks luckyvic, it's nice to see you over here i always enjoyed your posts on YAYW you always gave some of the best advice!

I hope your blood tests come back ok. I had some blood tests done a while back after the mc and the doctor just told me they were all fine so when im there im going to ask him to explain them fully to me and if any are missing ask for them. I have a lovely doc so i'm hoping he takes pity on my plight!

I really hope you and your hubby get your BFP soon too, at least you are being pro active about it and at 38 thats certainly not old in todays terms. My mum had my brother at 44 and my MIL had the mr when she was 48.

I will look out for your posts let us know how you get on with your tests and everything else.

Thanks for the support and my email is open if you care to use it

xxxxxx

Hi girls - just saw the post on the main page and wanted to drop in. Firstly sorry to hear of all your losses. i know it is a really challenging time afterwards but I promise you there is light at the end of that tunnel. I had a mmc in October at 10wks and it took me a couple of months to get back on track emotionally and physically with my cycles. (Not saying that it need take that long for everyone). the frustration can be unbearable at times, and yes it does seem unfair that others can seem to just fall pregnant without even meaning to when they don't even want their baby. But try not to focus on them. I know it's hard! But your energy is much better spent on you.

Its also quite normal to feel like a failure. However you ARE NOT! I felt this way for a long time but one day just pulled myself out of it and started to feel positive about myself, and allowed myself to start dreaming and imagining being a mum. A wonderful mum. For a while I dared not imagine that baby in my arms, I was too scared - as if dreaming of what I wanted so bad would mean I would never get it. Of course that's not true. So allow yourself some good thoughts as it is much better for your health to think positive thoughts. The old saying "if you dont ask, you dont get" can ring true. So believe it will happen again.

As for your cycles being all over the place with AF and ovulation.... I felt time was beginning to run out for me - for my plans of motherhood anyway. Rather than let things control me, i took control. I went and saw a consultant and ended up being put on clomid. I went through 3 cycles, each time my dosage being doubled, and on the 3rd go my ovulation was brought in line for the first time since I could remember (I was always a late ovulator which was causing me problems). So there are ways to take control and feel more empowered, which = feeling more positive and less helpless, and definately NOT a failure.

As time goes by you may feel the need to have another cry, even after feeling so good. Its all normal. And its a good excuse for flowers and chocolate cake! Just take each day after the next and one day soon you will be going through a healthy pregnancy when you will look back on the postives that you have been able to take from such a difficult situation beforehand. It may sound strange, but believe me there are bound to be some (like growing as a person, to name just one).

xx

Hiya SIM75,

What a thoughtful, lovely and heart warming post! Thank you so much for your kind words they certainly made me feel really positive!!

You are totally right i need to start thinking more positively and believing it can happen i guess you just have to have faith!!

I'm sure i will have lapses but i know when im feeling down im going to pull this thread back up and read all the lovely ladies replies and feel much much better!

Thank you huni xxxxx

That's the way! Do have faith, cos you need it. The power of a positive mind does wonders. You do need to get there in your own time. My mum kept telling me to be more positive and I resented hearing it from her all the time as I just felt "what's the point?? it's never going to happen for me!!" But realising it for myself one day and wanting to take that chance to dream of my future again was the best thing I ever did.
It's still important to have a cry when you need to. It's part of the grieving process. The loss of your LO(s) never leaves you, and there is the loss of not being pregnant as well.
Im now 22 wks and a few weeks ago found out at our scan that Im having a boy, which is just wonderful, but I was overcome with grief again as I had truly believed it was my little girl coming back again and had thought that throughout my whole pregnancy having had contact in the spiritual world. I needed to have a good cry again, after being so happy for so long. Im over the moon to be having a baby now, but I needed to grieve some more first, and now I look forward to meeting the little man. I know she is still hovering with me in spirit.
So let yourself have a cry when you need to, but follow through with picking yourself up with something positive.

So no more fearing that you are not ovulating (don't worry, I had that very same fear!!), you ovulated before and you will be ovulating again! But for reassurance, go see a doc and find out exactly what's going on. It helps you mind relax, meaning your body will relax.

xx

Hi Mrs Til and all the other ladies who replied,

I've just read this thread and it has lifted my mood. I'm so glad that my feelings are normal, especially my anger towards chavs with babies, especially when i see them shouting at their babies instead of giving them affection when they are upset!

I don't understand how any woman can drink and smoke during pregnancy yet I did everything right and have lost two babies. It just feels so unfair.

I agree with Sim75 about trying to be positive and I am going to take a deep breath, hold my head high and try and imagine holding my own baby.

Mrs Til, I really identify with your post. I too have a lovely husband who would be a wonderful father and I want to make this dream come true for him. It might be worth trying a herbal remedy like Agnus Castus and Evening Primrose Oil to try and regulate your cycles ? I would warn you that the Clearblue Fertility Monitor is aimed at regular cycles and has caused frustration to ladies on here whose cycles are not regular. I found it good as my cycles are regular but the sticks for it are £20 a pack so it's not that cheap to run. There are cheap OV sticks on Ebay you could try but personally I've found it hard to get a + on the Superdrug ones so I'm not sure that they are worth the expense when you could just BD regularly.

At 37 I'm worried i'm running out of time so was so pleased to read that your MIL had had a baby at 48. Makes me feel so much better as all you read on pregnancy over 35 is that you'll be high risk for miscarriages, chromasomal disorders and birth complications and I really need positive news.

Thinking Positive!

Hi Mrs TIL,

have just read through the post and glad to hear you are feeling more positive, I know its not for everyone but the CBFM gave me back some of the control after our first mc which was what I needed then, I cant say I have done the charting thing but know it has been brilliant for other people using it. Think it just gives you a better insite to what is going on inside.

glad to hear that you are getting lots of support from your hubby. ttc is an emotional rollercoaster with highs and lows but having someone at your side who really cares helps you get through it, and this site is a godsend to speak to people who seem to really undertstand how you feel dont think Id be feeling as positive about things if it wasnt for all the girls on here
Luc xxx

hello mrs til,

how are you doing today?

x

hello mrs til,

how are you doing today?

x

Hi ladies!
Thank you again for all your lovely replies it is so good to be on here because you all know how i'm feeling and it's so reassuring to know my feelings are not irrational and just knowing people understand can make everything seem 100% better! Thanks to this post and the tlc from the mr i have felt so much better! So much in control of my fertility and filled with PMA! Not saying its going to always be the case but for now it deffo is!!

Hiya luckyvic i am good huni, full of PMA lol I have made two appointments for next week. One with the doctor and one with the nurse. Im hoping that he will give me some more blood tests or something and then the nurse can give me them the same day.

I have also started charting my temps on Fertility Friend as well so we shall see what happens!

How are we all today?

xxxxxx

Hello mrs,

Really glad you're feeling so much better!!

All is good here - CD13 today so the BD'ing is getting more critical...having a hectic time at the moment though, getting a new kitchen and so we've (stupidly) said we'd remove the old one....bit of a nightmare! And the oh's bro and SIL arrive tomorrow for the night so I'm busy trying to remove the layers of dust emanating fromo the kitchen!!

Glad you're feeling so fill of PMA - please let us know what the doc/nurse say - I don't know that I'm ov'ing either - if I get a BFN this month I'm gonna have to do something (CBFM?!) as we've had non-stop BD'ing for 3 months now....last time it only took 2 cycles...

Anyway, back to the dusting/hoovering/tidying...yawn!

Kxx

So nice to hear hon. Ride that up wave, it's the place to be. Great you are having some tests done next week. Then you can start dealing with facts rather than mental torture of what ifs. Im so pleased you are feeling more upbeat. And that is down to YOU! (ok the tlc, this post and chocolate cake helps too !)

Kristen - I dont envy you !! Been there twice, got the t-shirt... but the end result will be worth it Im sure! Plus, you can always keep b'ding under a dust sheet !)

xx

I would LOVE a new kitchen! Ours is just looking so tired at the moment, might give it a lick of paint in a few months maybe brighten it up a bit lol! CD13!! Woo! Im officially on CD4 at the moment!

Where are we all from? I'm from Bonnie Scotland and for once the weather has actually been lovely! Enjoying getting all my Vit D from the sun lol!

Ive been reading a book by Kaz Cooke called 'Pregnancy and Birth' i bought it when i was pregnant before and never looked at it because i then had the mmc but ive pulled it off the book shelf and its such a funny book!! Its written as her own pregnancy experience yet filled with fab information even though im not pregnant its brill to read and its helping with the 'imagine yourself with a baby' plan!!

Sim75 - How you feeling with the heat hun? Do you have any names for your little one yet? Yours is such a lovely success story and it really gives me hope!

Claire1234 - im glad this thread has made you feel better too, this place is a god send and im touched by how lovely everyone is here! I guess when your all after the same thing! Regarding Agnus Castus great minds think alike! Ive been taking that for about a week now as im heard its supposed to be fantastic so fingers crossed!! Although it leaves a horrible after taste in my mouth!

xxxxxxxxxxx

Im down in London. Not so sunny here anymore :( Had a fantastic week here last week but now it's all over... I normally get really aggitated in the heat (except when Im sitting by the pool in a bikini!) but fortunately I didnt really get affected by it when it was here. I was expecting to as the tube hit 45 degrees on my line.

So glad you have Kaz Cooke's book. It is the best! She is an aussie actually (like me), so she actually wrote an aussie version and it is so popular there. Now there's a uk version. She puts things in a really good fun way and takes away the "text book" feel. Im glad its part of your 'imagine yourself with a baby' plan. Great stuff!

We've chosen the name already which we had for a while - it's Brody Michael (our last name is Harris). Up until our 20wk scan I thought it was my little girl coming back again so I'd been calling her Lily all the way through! Now Ive started my bonding all over again with this little man - he can crack quite a punch in there too I might add (probably because I was calling him a little girl for so long!!)

You have all this to look forward to hon. And the other girls on here too. It will happen, it just takes time for you to complete your journey first before you get there. And when you do, it's probably going to be even more amazing, special, and nothing is taken for granted after being what you've been through to get there. It doesn't take anything away from the loss you have had, but it strengthens you and the journey you've been on. Many little angels return later. I learnt with my little girl that she thought there was a better time to come later and that is why she left in October. It comforts me to hold the hope that she will come back one day. I lost her twice in the last 10 years and she has been hovering with me in spirit for all that time, which I only just found out a few months back. Sometimes it is hard for them to come back and they may need to hover around some more. I think in my case, I now think she sent her brother through first - as my hubby put it, he may have needed me more now than she did so she let him go. Ive had so many dreams with her in them over the past decade (varying ages but always under 3-4yrs), and several dreams since I lost her in October. Only once have I dreamt of the little boy with her. They both waved to me and said everything was ok and that they were safe and well. She was older than him and taking care of him, and perhaps was there to introduce me to him. I had that dream during a reiki session when I fell asleep and it was right when I was conceiving him. I thought he was coming later because he was younger than her so it was quite a surprise to see him on the sonographer's screen (though I still could not see his boy bits!!!!) because I was expecting her to be there and that in my dream she was telling me he was there but coming later and would be ok til then.

This is what keeps me going with her, to have been able to turn that loss into something special and comforting. I no longer feel without her knowing that she has been with me in spirit all this time, and continues to be today. I stopped feeling that Id been robbed and was crap and would never be a good mum because I lost her. She gives me hope every day.

So I truly believe all your LOs are out there hovering around you now, just as they were before. The time just wasn't right for them. They are safe and well, and they want you to be ready before you conceive again. And that's where the believing in yourself comes in...to be able to conceive again, able to hold that pregnancy for the whole 9 months, hold that beautiful baby in your arms, and be a fantastic mum that has so much love to give your child! They are smart little cookies even before they are born, and they there around you helping you to become stronger!

Big hugs xx

Hiya sweety!
I love London, ive only been once mind when i was 16 but it was such a good trip. I do amatuer theatre and a bunch of us went down to catch some big shows, we went to see Phantom and Blood Brothers and it was fab! I did get pick pocketed right enough but these things can happen anywhere.

How cool your from Australia, when did you move over here? Do you think you will ever go back?

Thats a lovely name for your son, sounds like a film star! Really goes well with the surname, if we have a boy he is going to be called Logan, my mum hates it but we love it! For a girl its either Rose or Helaina (my mums name is elaine and my mil is called helen so its combining them) so really its helena but spelt differently. LOL!

How did you find out so much about your little girl? I'm really interested in things like this and it would be lovely if i could find out a little more about my LO. My email button is there if you would prefer to use that?

I really love you attitude hun. its so positive and reading your posts i cant help but feel lifted and more focused your deffo going to be a FAB mum and your hubby is a very very lucky man!!

I cant thank you enough!

Hugs xxxxxxx

xxxxx

Hi MrsTIL, thanks again for your post.

I'm so glad to see you've got some PMA back - your hubby sounds a real darling.

Just wanted to say that i've been charting on FF since my mc in March and i've found it a really helpful way of seeing that my cycles are getting back to normal and i'm getting back on track ready to ttc in Sept.

I've also been using CBFM - it's my second month on it - that has really helped as well.

Good luck hun x x x

Are you as bored as me this afternoon?! Its drizzly outside and Im meant to be at a 4yo's picnic in the park.....but Im avoiding a cold thats threatening to come on so Ive bailed out.

Nothing like a bit of BE time to pass the afternoon away!

Phantom is great. I took my mum to see that many years ago when she was here. Id have to say the best one Ive seen is Saturday Night Fever. It was awesome. Seen a few in the 13 years Ive been here. Mama Mia (3 times!!), Dirty Dancing, Lion King, Greece, Chicago and tonight's The Night (Rod Stewart)! I guess I prefer the musicals! So can I expect to see you up on stage one day?!

Crap that you got pickpocketed. Part of being in a city with opportunity though I suppose. Over the years Ive been pickpocketed twice (on tube and in a crowd at the millennium at midnight) and had my bag nicked 3 times!! The last time was a few months ago in the cinema!!! I was so mad. I even looked the guy in the eye when he was doing it as I was on the end of the row and he was sitting across the aisle and behind me but waited for the lights to dim and seized the moment and came over. I thought he was someone else trying to get into our row so I even went to stand up, watched him falter, then thought he was going in the row behind me. Realised 2 secs too late he'd taken off out of the cinema with my handbag. Spent the next 1.5hrs watching the security tape at the cinema...still havent seen the movie we paid for and went to watch!! Grrrr. Surprisingly I did get my handbag back (which was a brandnew birthday present 1 week old) as he dumped it and my diary was left behind with hubbys number in it.

We do plan to head back. Its up in the air at the mo. Hubby was made redundant about a month back and he has started a short contract. He has wanted to go back for a while but Ive resisted and we finally agreed we would go after I stop working and have a baby. In my last spiritual reading, which he came to, there was a suggestion we would be going in December. Hmmmm.. we shall see! Im preparing myself to go but at the same time I am happy to stay on. It will be tough leaving after being here for so long.

Brody does sound rather American doesnt it!? A while back when we were first pregnant last year we went through all the names and that one just clicked. If hubby has his way he will be a golfer or a tennis player! I just LOVE Helaina! And how lovely to have put your mum and MILs names together to get that! I love Logan and Rose too!

I ended up down the spiritual path when i was at the end of my tether. Thats what turned it all around for me. Found myself in a bookstore one day in the spiritual section and I started with some Angel and Guides books. I was longing to see someone for a reading but didnt know where to start to find someone legitimate and trustworthy i.e. "the real thing"....didnt want someone to just take my money and fill my head with crap! Then I asked my yoga teacher one day if she knew someone and it happened that she did them. She is wonderful and a few of my friends also went on to have some amazing readings with her too. Unfortunately she left to live in Greece 2 months ago but is back this week for 4 days. So I have another reading with her on Thursday as I need to know a bit more about where my little girl is now that Im having a boy cos she kept saying it was her spirit that was with me and not to worry about the boy for now (that was 2 months ago). I guess I need to know if she really did send him through first or if there was another reason why she couldnt come back just yet.

I wrote a post on here about 2 months back that explained it a bit:

http://www.babyexpert.com/chatroom/topic/110789

Ive just loved having the contact. It helped me so much, to no end. Its a matter of finding the right person to help you achieve that contact. I found once i started putting my feelers out, my contact was standing right in front of me every day!

xx