well ladies i managed a 2 week break from here but i need some support from you lovely ladies (if thats ok?)

Appologies in advance as i think it may be another long way...

In january me and hubby decided to try for a baby and by Feb i had my BFP - we were shocked and over joyed as we had had the attitude of 'it'll happens when it happens' sort of thing i couldnt believe my luck and thought it was too good to be true,....due to some spotting and pain i had an early scan at 6+4 (internal) and saw a wee blob measuring correct for dates with a heartbeat it finally felt real and i was so relieved i cried - they said they would scan again in 2 weeks as it was still early days so at 8+6 i went back to be told my little bean hadnt made it past 7+2. We were devestated and after a week with no sign of anyhting happened i had medical management and passed my baby when i was just over 10 weeks....

27 days later i had some brown spotting and then on day 29 my first day of af - i couldnt believe it had returned so quickly and i actually felt 'lucky' my cycles previously were 26-28 days and i always had a day of pinky/red spotting before full flow arriving....

anyway basing in on 1st day of full flow that was 21st april and we began ttc again as i was waiting for first af to arrive...24 days later i had some brown spotting and was hopeful it was an implantation bleed but it continued for 4 days before af arrived making 27 days between first days of full flow - i was gutted and it seemed extra cruel due to the spotting.....i then began to ttc again and this time 25 days later i had the same brown spotting this time for 3 days before af arrived (again ther was 27 days between first days of full flow and about the same between the spotting which i wasnt counting as part of af)

i began to worry i wasnt ovulating as my periods were lighter than before, that i maybe had an LP defect due to the spotting and that a baby wouldnt implant succesfully or that it was due to hormones and i hoped it was just my body getting back to normal after mmc as that was 3 months and i was told thats how long (sometimes longer) it can take for things to settle back down.

Mu first full flow of this cycle began on 14th making me day 17. I tried CB smiley face ovulation sticks from day 9 til day 13 and didnt get a smiley face - i had planned to take a month of to see what happened with my body and i began to notcie my EWCM on day 8 but i havent really had any of what i thoguht were ovulation pains this month......anyway as part of my month of we decided to go away for a weekend as we didnt go away at my anniversary when my grandad died suddenly so we decided on Blackpool as it was first place we ever went on holiday together (this is why i didnt test on day 14 or 15 and to be honest i was fed up of blank circles and disheartened so i gave up i hope i did actually ovulate and that i just missed my surge but im not to hopeful - there is obviously some sort of problem now as i feel straight away last time) anyway we had a nice weekend at the pleasure beach and we stayed in a nice hotel so nice food and plenty of alcohol (i wanted to do something i couldnt do if i was pregnant seen as we had decided to take the month to see what happened and i thought i might as well make the most of it) then last night was 5 years since we met so we had a nice meal out at the hotel we got married at and then more wine lol....i have also become closer to my hubby this month (not that we werent close espec after the mmc i just mean closer in that i felt more connected again as sex became about us again and not just baby making - tmi sorry)

anyway we have been using condoms again as i didnt want to take the risk of being pregnant giving i was on alot of big rides and drinking lots of alcohol and the only day we had unprotected sex was the first day of my af (minging i know sorry but i was a bit horny for a change and hubby didnt seem to mind tmi again) so i know im not pregnant but about half an hour ago when i went to the toilet there was bright red blood on the tissue and now im really worried i have some crampy pains too but how can it be af 2 weeks after my last one....even after the mmc my period has NEVER done this before and as i said i know its not implantation or anything and there was quite a bit and i havent been again as im too scared to and this is worse than the brown bleeding....

I had to move from my lovely doctors to get my early scan so just registered anywhere and they are terrible as its a 2 week wait for an appointment but i have found a new surgery who i am going to register with on Friday - i am overdue a smear so a bit worried its due to this (but havenet had any bleeding or uncomfort after sex or anything like that) and then see how long i have to wait for tests to see if i am ovulating or not as that will have been nearly 6 months by the time i see a doctor as at least if i know im not ovulating i can try something like clomid but the not knowing is worse espec as all i want is a baby and its making me quite a resentful and bitter person now which i hate but im becoming so consumed with jealousy and im also finding it hard to do my job cause of all the 'idiots' i have to go and see with babies they cant even look after and dont even want and they have 2 or 3 of them and it makes me so mad.....i should be almost 25 weeks now...

It feels like one thing after another and all bad...

My mums diagnosis and then my wedding which was a fantasic day but not what it should have been cause of how ill my mum was and as much as im glad she made the day i feel sad when i look at her in the pictures as that wasnt my mum,....not the mum i always remember so my wedding was tainted with sadness espec as every year married is another year without my mum as she died in september....then there was the mmc then my grandad dying this year and what looks like a family fall out as my aunt is tryign to get all his money already despite half being mine and muy sisters (i am not bothered about the money i just dont want her to scam us either) so i have no family left and its like when i try and pick myself up something bad happens....i have had a lovely weekend and a nice time with my hubby and was feeling a bit more positive about trying agin in a few weeks (i have been reading up on charting to get an idea what to expect and looking at buying a supply of cheaper ov tests and using them twice a day all through cycle or buying a CBFM) and now this my af or mid cycle bleed or whatever - its not normal and its not fair!!!

I also have a cold and so could potentially have swine flu as a number of people i visit have had it so im just keeping my fingers crossed its not that as thats all i need at the minute.....

Sorry girls i wish i was back on happier terms but it feels a bit better getting this out as i just feel so frustrtaed and upset and scared and worried and i know people try for a long time and that yes i know i can get pregnant but i cant help feeling like it wont happen....my mum was 10 years before she had me and then my sis was another surprise 6 years later as both times she had given up hope and i cant help worrying that may be me too...i have always wanted 3 or 4 children but right now i would be so happy with one...i keep thinking a wee psychic guy told me my first born would be a boy and planned but how much fecking planning am i meant to do? I have been holding onto this thought but i have decided he was crap...he told me i would become a nurse and specialise and i bloody hate my job at the minute and blame him for that too! Despite the difficulaties as its babies i do like my job most of the time but theres lots of changes goin on and crap getting shifted on to the nurses and we are 4 staff members down so v.stressful and for the first time despite not wanting to i am going to have to look for another job as i dont want to be stuck ther when the s**t really hits the fan later this year so thats another thing im annoyed about....

Sorry but i seriously feel like getting in my car right now and driving as fast as i can into a brick wall but im too much of a wimp too...and being me i wouldnt even be able to manage that right and would prob walk away from it with just a few cuts and bruises....

I just miss my mum and my little bean and my grandad and my gran who died 3 years ago as we were all so close growing up and i was so happy as a child and now it seems like nothing...i love my hubby and i know he doesnt blame me and has been my rock but he wants a baby so much too and i worry about the future we will have if i cant give him one and everyone else has left me so why not him too? We have a nice house, nice cars, go nice places but materalistic things dont matter to me i would give all that up just to have a little baby!!!

Anyway sorry again and ta for listening....you dont have to reply i just needed to get it all out!!!!!

Laura xx

so sorry about what you are going through. you have really had a rough few years. have you thought about phoning the samaritans for a chat tonight to get all this off your chest? it might help to talk to a person rather than to type.

hi hun. i'm really sorry you are feeling so sad. life is so shite sometimes and i know how things can all seem to come at once and become overwhelming. coming and having a rant is great and there is lots of support here, but i also think that talking to someone like a grief counceller might help. you are grieving for your mum and grandad and gran and your little bean. grief is such an all-consuming emotion, i think there is the attitude that you just have to 'get on with it' after you loose someone but its not as simple as that. try and not be so hard on yourself. given all you have been and are going through i think what you are feeling is justified. i'm sending you a big hug and hope you are feeling happier soon. let us know how you are doing xxx

Hi Lauz,
It's nice to see you back on here but I am so sorry that you are feeling so low at the moment.
I have to agree with the others that although it is good to vent your feelings and frustrations on here, and I am a true believer in a problem shared is a problem halved, but I do think it may help you a great deal to talk to somone who is proffesionally trained in dealing with grief. I think you have just had so much to deal with in such a short time that it is all getting to much, and all the time you are feeling like this getting pg is just going to be so much harder, and if you did fall because of all the grief you may not properly enjoy the experience fully as you should.
Take good care and keep talking.

Big Hugs.

Leigh-Anne xx

Hi Lauz, I'm os sorry to hear how you are feeling at the moment. It really seems that everything has got on top of you and you have lots of grieving still left to do for your losses. It sounds as if you could do with having a good chat with someone, as the others have said, maybe the Samaritans or Cruse http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ who are bereavement councillors.

I hope that writing it all down helped and if you need to chat feel free to email me. Sending you big hugs, xxx

Not more I can say to what the other girls have but just wanted to send you a huge (((hug)))
xxxxx

Hey Laura,
So sorry to read about how sad you still are, although I guess it is only natural. I really do agree with the others about speaking to someone professional about things - you've had a lot to deal with and they would probably be the people to speak to (although obviously keep posting on BE!).
Take care honey,
Kx

sorry to hear you sounding so low. I can't add anything that the other ladies haven't already said. I'm not surprise you are having a rough time, given everything that you've had happened recently.
Take your time, I've been there - especially the parts where you just want to relax but your head is spinning so fast.
another place you may find support/info is the mental health support site www.sane.org.uk
Hope you look after youself xx

Hi Lauz

First of all you need to give yourself a big hug. You have been through so so much and you really need to take care of yourself. I think like the other girls said this is all too much for anyone to take and you really deserve some help.

I also don't appear to have ovulated last month (although I ahd two normal AF's after 2nd MC) and this month I'm also getting lots of blank faces on my ov sticks to I know how frustrating it is, particularly if you've also lost people who are very close to you. I can't imagine what you are going through at this time.

This horrible time will pass and you will be a mum one day and you've got to try and hold on until then no matter how hard it is.

Take care of yourself xxx

Laura, I'm useless at giving advice at stuff like this but I didn't want to read and run. It sounds like you have had a horrible time and its good that you got it all out on here.
I know the feeling of looking back at how happy you were as a child, and you feel like you won't have that again...but you will...except this time it will be with your own little family.

I hope you get another BFP very soon and I will be looking out for your posts xxx

Thanks ladies for the replies i havent really being on here as i have been playing the waiting game waiting to see if af arrived as expected and so far it hasnt.

My cycles were usually 26/27 days with one day of spotting and since the mmc the last few afs i have had have been 27 days from one full flow to the next full flow starting (the brown staining i was having when i wiped was starting about CD 22/23 and lasting 4 or 5 days) this was a worry but i hoped it was down to my body readjusting...when i had my last scan at the epu she said my womb looked back to normal but there was a tiny bit of blodd which she said my body would either reabsorb or it would come away itself or when i had my period so i thought maybe it was down to that being old blood?

Then the bleeding on CD16 when i posted this started completely by surprise as i have never ever had mid cycle bleeding before (with my BFP in Feb i had brown/pinky staining for ablut 8 days which they put down to implantation at the time but it started a day before i expected my af so thats what i thought it was at first) this was CD 16 and was mainly red but varied to pinky brown and yellowy brown and lasted 4 or 5 days so im very worried about that was....it was only a little staining on the toilet paper when i wiped it was never heavy, never turned into a flow and never went on my pants so i didnt need a pantyliner or anything....it was quite mucusy and not there all the time so i think this must have been an af even though it was only 2 weeks since i had my last one - what do u think?

This is clearly a worry so i sat this week out and had no brown spotting which is a good thing but not if it has been replaced by something much worse and im all worried now as i have no af either...i know it could just be a day or 2 late but i have never been longer than 28 days (tomorrow) and i usually always get at least a day (or i did before i was pregnant) of spotting i never just go into a full flow...

Now heres the thing, i have tender boobies, heartburn and have felt nauseaus on/off all week (i notice these too when i symptom spot so its either psychological or now i have these every month and have never been aware of it before) and i am not symptom spotting this month as we took a month off and i know im not pregnant but i also have tender boobies, an increased appetite (but maybe im just a grubber) and feeling really tired...yesterday i feel asleep at 1pm until 4pm! I have also had lots of crampy pains which feel like a stitch and more like a stretching pain the past few days and my skin is a bit of a nightmare, i have also noticed the hair on my legs and my eyebrows growing in almost instatntly which i remember from when i was pregnant before AND i have lots and lots of CM....lotiony, stretchy, on my pants as well (sorry tmi but it feels like i have either wet myeself or come on but when i go to the loo its just CM on the paper) now this could be cause i am fertile i suppose as if those previous 5 days were my period then i would now be on CD 12 but i have had mucus like this for a week which i have never had before even when i was monitoring my cycle at the start....so u see it all looks quite good for a BFP me thinks......

If it wasnt for the fact that the only time we had an unprotected BD was the very first day of my full flow af (28 days ago tomorrow) and i know that mc can muck up your cycles but i would have to ovulated on CD2 or 3 so i know theres no chance....hubby also briefly had a mini BD when we were away but i made him pull out so if anything maybe a little precum (sorry this is disgusting i know) would have gotten in but that was CD13 and the bleeding started 3 days later so i doubt it would have been anything there....

I genuinely know i am not pregnant given the odds and im now worried as how can i have a 5 day af 2 weeks after the last one that wasnt an af....of course my hubby now thinks it could been ave an implantation bleed...bless him and is on at me to test but i dont really want to see another BFN even an expected one...

Dont get me wrong with the luck i have its entirely possible that the one month i dont want to get pregnant....the one in which i have drank about 4 bottles of wine, lots of irn bru, ate a load of crap and went on all the rides at Blackpool...would be the one i got my BFP in which case i wouldnt hold out much hope for my little bean!

Sorry for going on it helps a little just typing on here...i didnt and wont drive my car into a wall and im thinking of possibley talking to someone professionaly but i doubt it would do me any good but i am now even more worried about things and what the hell is going on with my body now and my af and worrying if i am even ovulating...once again at the end of the month despite wanting a baby more than anything i want my af to arrive for 'reassurance' even though it hasnt yet given me this any other month,,,,in fact it seems that the longer since my mmc it is then the worse and more mucked up my af gets and it scares me...i so much want to be a mummy!!!!

If i had done lots of BDing this month i would be genuinely excited and wish i hadnt taken a month of as it was a waste of time and i havent learned anything about my cycle....u didnt even get a smily face with my ov sticks (started testing day 8)

Thanks for listening....

Lxx

Oh Laura, just read this post. I just want to reach out to you and give you the biggest reassuring hug. Hon you have been through a lot these past years, you don't need me to tell you that. Grief is a tough thing to get through and it takes time, but when you have grief on grief on grief it is really tough. Have you really allowed yourself to grieve enough? Losing your mum is such a big thing and I cannot imagine how hard that is for you. Then there's your grandparents, and of course your little one. So much sadness honey and you just need to let it all out. Its great you feel you can come on here and have a rant. There are many of us on here to give you some support and its good for you to vent it all rather than bottle it up inside.

I know you said youre not sure it would do you much good to speak to someone professionally but honestly it would do you a world of good. I saw a counsellor for 6 months (weekly) after my mmc in October as I just couldnt cope and plus I also had some family issues that were getting me down. It was the best thing I ever did and it truly helped me. You get an hour or so every week to just have some "Laura" time. To talk about how you feel, to have a cry, to express your hurt and pain and frustrations and to assert what you want in life. Some sessions you can just sit there and cry if you need to. I found I had to really reach down deep, to hit rock bottom and break myself down, and then I started the journey up again, a lot stronger and able to accept and understand what had happened and what was going on at the present, and to discover for myself what I needed to do to get where I wanted to be. It is a journey for sure. But hon, your grief won't just go away.

Even if you fall pregnant this month or next, or any of the months after that, it is still good for you to deal with what has happened in recent months and years. Especially if you are feeling that you could get in your car and drive into a brick wall. You may not actually do that but it is enough to just have those feelings and thoughts. That you are not worthy. And that your husband would end up just leaving you to. You don't need to feel that way but it is your way of trying to cope with this all. Let someone help you hon.

I had 2 breakdowns where I hit absolute rock bottom. Both times I wrote myself off so bad with alcohol so that I could just numb the pain. Fortunately I couldn't remember everything from a point where I really lost it but I woke up to feel the evidence of having badly bruised my knuckles and head from hitting against a wall and trying to hurt myself. Unfortunately, it's something my husband will never forget. It hurt him so much to see how much pain I was in and how much hurt I was carrying inside because I just bottled it all up until I exploded when it all became too much.

Now with the added pressure of wanting so much to be a mum it is something that constantly plays on your mind. People tell you to "just relax, it will happen" which only frustrates us. It consumes us. The symptom spotting and the tricks our bodies can play on us. The "am I ovulating or not?" "Am I having an implantation bleed or what?" "AM I PREGANT OR NOT???" The constant need to POAS. It can feel really cruel and unfair. But if you can focus on healing yourself, and letting someone help you to do that, I think it may really benefit you. Dealing with your emotions helps you to heal your mental state.

I am so so sorry you are carrying so much sadness after what you have been through. But honey you will get through this, you will become a stronger person in the end. And you will become an amazing mum. But don't deny yourself some help to get there. You deserve it. You have every right to feel angry, hurt, upset and bitter, but you also have every right to move on from those feelings. But they don't just go away, they need to be processed and dealt with. Otherwise they will always be there, even if sitting under the surface. You deserve a much lighter load on your shoulders and to make room for all that happiness that is to come. I promise you it will.

If you do get your BFP this month, don't beat yourself up over the wine or irn bru or the rides at Blackpool. It does not mean that this little bean doesnt stand a chance of making it. What's more important is how you treat your body once you get that BFP so focus on that. No room for guilt!! We don't like guilt

Anyway, I hope you're ok. We are all here to offer you support as we all understand how tough it can be. Big hugs to you honey.
xx

Lauz hun, big hugs, didnt want to read and run,

Like others have said, you shouldnt beat yourself up about drinking or mad rides that early on, prior to finding out i was pregnant with Bayley i went to alton towers for the weekend, flew to new york and back and was completely "rat ar**ed" on my birthday weekend 3 days before doing the pregnancy test,

bayley is now six, and no adverse effects,
just think how many babies are conceived on drunken nights out, lets face it jeremy kyle would be out of a job if it wasnt for drunken sex!!

i think maybe you do need to speak to someone "outside of the circle" you have lost so much over the last few years that the hurt of the past few months just seem magnified,

i too was desperate to conceive after losing bean in october, but because id had a molar i had to send wee wee sample to hospital every month to make sure all was ok, i still "broke the rules" and had unprotected sex loads, but didnt fall at all,

i was so upset every month, thinking my body had given up on me, my cycles from xmas went 35 days, 20 days 24 day and then 24 days, i finally got the all clear from charing cross on 12 april, 3 days after my af on 9th, i had sex on 12th and 16th april, got a pos ov on 18th april, but didnt feel like doing anything about it,

my lost bean was due on 28th april, and i got my pos on 27th, then a neg on 28th, forgot about it for a few days as Bayleys birthday, and then on the friday did a cbd, and got preg 2-3 so i got my bfp the week my lost bean was due, i took this as my body finally saying, yep, your ready!

it will happen for you lauz, probably when your not even thinking about it, but you need to live your life, dont think " what if" think "when im pregnant ill give this up for my baby, but im going to enjoy the moment"

try anf get yourself better and big big hugs xx

ps dont be smashing that new car up. xx

Thanks emmy....its nice to hear positive stories but i cant help thinking it wont happen for me and the sad thing is although i know its impossible i just feel pregnant and now wish i hadnt taken a month off as im in an even worse position now...

Sim thanks for sharing your story with me it sounds like you have really been through it and i know you will make a fantasic mummy when the times righ i suppose i dont have much to lose by talking to someone but the way i see it is that it wont bring back my mum or my bean, it wont make me a mummy and it wont make me happy as i feel like i will never be happy again! If i had my mum to support me when i lost the baby it would have been a little easier as you always need your mum and i could have talked to her and she would have understood a little (She tried for 10 long and agonising years before she got to be the mummy she wanted to be) and at least being pregnant well after the loss of my mum would have been something postive to focus on and look forward to.

Im not religious (although i was baptised and made my communion and used to believe in something) so appoligies to anyone that it but i just think if there is a God then he must get some kick out of hurting me and i know im not the only person to go through tough times but i just cant see any hope and any way forward and all i keep thinking is 'why me?'

I caved when i was out and gave into hubby and bought a super drug test given that 2day is when i would have expected my af i dont think it matters that it wasnt fmu and i was forced to stare at BFN again which upset me even more although i knew it would be and this has stressed me even more now as it means that 2 weeks ago must have been my af so what the f**k is goin on with my body? It also means that due to not much BDing as i was worried about the blood (although we have now abandoned the condoms again as it doesnt look like i am even ovulating or in with any chance of being pregnant) it means i am looking at september before i could even be in with a chance of a BFP again and thats best case scenario also i havenet been able to get another doctor as they wont take me on as im slightly outwith their catchment area or dont have family registered there so i am stuck where i am with my shittty doctors who i have only been to for a sick line post miscarriage and dont even know what they are like....

I will now just have to sit and wait out the next 2 weeks again and see if my af appears and hopefully a normal one and then i can try ov testing again but im just so fed up with everything...its like rubbing my face in it even more as i feel first time trying last time! I just wish i knew what was goin on with my body and my periods and now i cant even test for ov and im so confused why now why a period like this when i have had 2 fairly normalish ones post mmc? I just dont understand it and i want a baby so much....

On top of everything else i am getting a lot of crap at work at the minute and have to look for a new job even though there are none going and i just honestly feel like giving up i dont see anything to live for and even my new car and materalistic things dont make me smile even a little as there is no point to them....i just wish my body would work as now i am resenting getting pregnant in the first place rather than being glad i could as there is clearly a problem now thanks to it and it just seems extra cruel and my month off has just depressed me even more and without my mum i just feel so alone and have no one to ralk to as my hubby doesnt understand. Oh and my lap top broke (this is hubbys) and he has just informed me that he cant fix it (he is an it techinician) meaning the hundreds of songs i have downloaded etc are all lost....fan ****g tastic.That has just cheered me up no end.....

I give up i really do.....

Lx

[Modified by: Lauz41 on July 11, 2009 04:51 PM]

Well im now sitting here (a bottle of wine drunker than earlier) and im in tears while hubby is alseep downstairs....i dont suppose the wine helps but i just feel so low right now.

I dont understand how on CD 16 i could have a period that wasnt a proper af as it never got to a full flowim so worried but what if in 12 days time my af still isnt here...im so scared and so worried and while i know the stress wont be helping and that i cant do anything about it i cant help how im feeling and i just wish i didnt feel so alone i just want someone to give me a big hug (not hubby cause although he tries he just cant understand and i think he gets a bit fed up with how negaive i am all the time) and tell me that everything is going to be ok...i want my mum. I suppose at the minute its cause i dont see the point in living....

If best case scenario i get a period at some point in the next few weeks then fantastic...i will try CBFM and hope for the best...hope that i am actullay ovulating and hope that i can maybe get pregnant but im going to pass my due date and not be pregnant and i just hate my life so much....

I hope one day i can come back on here and annoucne my BFP but i think at the minute so many of you are pregnant (and im so pleased for you all and hope everything goes well this time) but many of you had your mcs after me and i suppose i feel a little left out...its selfish and silly i know but somehow i have to try and get on with things...though thats what i do at the minute day after day, week after week, month after month its a struggle even to just get out of bed as i hate my job so much and i have to try and put a smile on my face and just get on with it cause what else can i do but i just feel so trapped and fed up and upset all the time its like theres no way out.

Sorry i know this isnt making much sense and isnt the best place for it but thanks for all the support ive had since March but seen as my body isnt doing as it should and all i can do is play the waiting game yet again i am going to take a proper break from here (i know i know i have said it so many times and i havnt) but ttc seems to have been taken out of my hands and all i can do is wait and see what happens and hopefully i will be on here before xmas (although i doubt it) sharing my BFP and reading how you are all doing with your nice big bumps....

Take care everyone and bye bye....

Laura xx

Hi Laura,

I have been following your story from the start hun and you have had a really tough time of it, yes there are a lot of BFPS on here hun but I always find it really reassuring to see them as I know the time will come when you will get your BFP and I know it wont be that far away, you caught so early last time so your body can do it, I understand that you have had the added stress of your losses which I cant begin to imagine have made you feel like. It sounds like your cycles are all over the place right now but this is not uncommon not just due to stress but mc's have a huge impact on your cycle, and the doc should be able to help to get your cycles back on track for TTC again.

Oh hun wish I could give you a big hug,

Love Luc xxx

Lauz honey I don't know if you will come back on here but the chance you do I want to give you some words of comfort. Im really really worried about you hon.

If only talking to someone would bring back your mum or your bean, but sadly you're right and it won't, but it can help you to deal with everything that has happened. There is so much there for you to deal with and I wouldnt expect anyone to be able to just take it and be done with it just like that. It's too much. and you are obviously very very hurt and distraught. So honey, don't try to do it alone, you don't need to. There is help out there. Sometimes it is much better to use someone "outside of the circle" like emmyem said. Your friends, family and hubby may help but in a completely different way. Someone impartial can help and hon I promise you that you WILL find happiness again. You might feel like youre at the bottom of a very deep dark pit but you don't have to stay there forever. Ther is a way out. In order to find happiness again, you need to be able to grieve properly. Part of that grieving is achieved through processing and dealing with everything that has happened.

I understand your thoughts about there not being a god or if there were then he is getting a kick out of hurting you. My best friend watched her mum pass away in front of her after an accident when she was 14 and she couldnt do anything to help her. That was 20 years ago. She lost quite a few close family members after that and now only has her 3 sisters, her 2 yo daughter and me as family. She felt exactly the same, she felt completely robbed of everything and that "why me???". So I understand how you feel hon. It's very painful. Be angry. Get it all out. You have the right to be mad and upset. Its better out than in. Vent vent vent. It just needs to be in the right channel - which is where a counsellor can help you do it in a healthy way that won't hurt you or anyone else. Then there will come a time when there is no more anger, or at least it subsides.

I know how much you want to be pregnant again. I can see how much it is messing with your head. Us girls on here have all been there in varying degrees and know how tough it can be and it's not a pleasant thing to go through. One thing I learnt was all the stress I put myself under - the pressure of wanting it SO SO MUCH - only went against me. I wasn't ready because I was so stressed out about it and not coping so I wasnt in the right positive mental and emotional state. Without having that there, I was actually making it so much harder for myself to be able to conceive again. My body and my cycles were all over the place. My cycles were too long and I was a late ovulator which stressed me out more. I wanted to be pregnant NOW! I couldnt understand why I couldnt have the one thing that would make me so happy again. I too had mid-cycle bleeds and even ovulated whilst having a mid-cycle bleed. I couldnt understand where I was and it was so frustrating. It did my head in. As soon as I seeked help and dealt with everything, became at ease with what had happened - grieved and accepted it for what it was - my emotional and mental outlook completely changed and my body followed suite. I fell pregnant the very next cycle. If that is enough to encourage you I hope it helps you to decide to seek some professional support. Everything is so much easier in hindsight and to be honest if someone had tried to tell me at the time that all i needed to do was that then I probably wouldnt have been in a state to listen. You will though, in your own time hon.

Please dont try to take on too much. One step at a time, one day at a time. I sense you feel so overwhelmed with everything. You feel you need to change your job because you hate your current one so much. Would you be happier in a new job or would it only cause you more stress to have to change?

As for everyone else and their BFPs, forget about everyone else and focus on you and what you need to help you get through this. It doesnt matter how long you take to get your BFP again compared to everyone else. This is your journey and its all about you.

If you do ever read this please don't feel trapped and fed up and all alone. My heart goes out to you. We are all here to help you.
If you need to chat please click on my email button. I can be on the end of the phone for you if you need me. Please just don't give up on yourself.

Sending you a massive hug and lots of postive energy. Even if you dont read this, I hope it reaches you.

xxx

Thanks Girlies...

I thought i should check back over what i wrotw the last time as i thought it was made a little over the top and pathetic and saw your replies..

Luc...i am so sorry for what you are going through recently yet you still have the time to reply to me... (hugs)

Sim....your response made me cry (but not in a bad way) thanks for taking the time to post such a nice response...

So far i havent yet topped myself and i am thinking of it less and less or at least trying to (i know my mum wouldnt want me to, my mum had a 10 year agonoising wait and then had 2 babies so there is always hope when you think there is none and at least im only 24 i suppose and my little bean well she as i have decided it would have been a girl has gone to be with my mum as she would have been a fantastic gran and never got the chance to be but now she can)

its so so hard and while i know im not the only person to go through crap it feels like in given that most people i know have nice little happy lives (like i always used to have) i just cant beleive how much my life has chanced in 18months and i cant help feeling robbed....

I am praying this is just a bit of a wonky cylce and that my breakthrough bleed wasnt anything sinister to worry about...given that the EPU told me it can take 3-6 months for things to settle back down and may be abnormal one month despite appearing ok the previous month all i can do is hop emy af makes an appearance at some point in the next fortnight and if not i can speak to my gp (a new one so dont know whaty they will be like but hopefully sympathetic as i am keen to try anything) it was so easy to get pregnant last time with the attitude of 'when it happens it happens' without knowing anything about ovulation or fertile windows or anything like that...i genuinely did not think i would be pregnant and was so shocked when i got my BFP...my positive after all the crap i couldnt help thinking it was 'too good to be true' (espec with the luck i have) but i tried so hard to be positive (espec when we saw heartbeat at 6+4) as we wanted it so much and were so pleased....

Its not easy at the minute to change jobs as there arent many around...i am a childrens nurse and working with health visitors which i do like but it a bit boring as i dont find it challenging enough clinically....i am looking at possibley doing the public health nursing course if they will fund it but its 2 years part time which i dont want to commit to as i want a baby so much...fate may have other ideas in store for me and will decide whats meant to be will be but i think i have to keep trying so i am stuck here at the minute but big changes are happening and we are so short staffed and me and the other nurses are getting lots of clinics to do - baby ones and immunistaions ones and thats not how i want to spend my days and i am moving onto 5 days rather than 4 as well which is a pain...i love babies i always have done which is why all my expereince is neonatal (i have always wanted a family and never been particularly career mineded and i wouldnt have come back to work at least not for a few years when my baby was born and if i had to it would have been part time to tick us over money wise) as realistically we cant afford for me not to work (at least not without a valid excuse eg a baby as my hubby would also like me to stay at home as he is old fashioned a little and would even work 2 jobs for it to be a reality!)

I think what annoys me most is all the people i have to go and see mainly silly little girls who got pregnanat by accident and who dont want their babies or who already have 2 or 3 kids and with different dads, no partners etc and all they do is complain about havibng no life....they feed their kids crap and they over load them on milk to try to make them sleep through the night, they leave the kids with anyone who will have then and they swan off on nights out 3 times a week or on holiday for a fortnight and complain how tired, fed up, bored they are etc now i am not saying every young mum or single parent or unplanned pregnanay is bad...i know many who do fantastic jobs its just that i work in an area of high unemployment and thats very socially deprived and unfortuntaley the latter are few and far between and yet here is my trying to do everything right and getting nowhere despite it being all i want and it seems from being on here that those of us who want it the most struggle the most and it breaks my hearts seeing lovely ladies who would make fantastic mums having miscarriages (when otheres are on their 3rd termination by choice like its birth control) or when people try for 2 years and its their children who are born with disabilities its just such a shame and unfair and i have to sit there and be professional about it when all i want to do is bring the baby home with me (and no im not a psycho baby stealer crazy lady or anything like that but hypothetically) I am nearly 25, have a job im secure in, a nice house, a loving and supportive husband and enough money not to struggle as i have waited until 'the right time' grr! Like i tried to do everything right when i was pregnant not eating certain foods, not drinking alcohol, not taking any medication even avoiding paracetamol, giving up caffine and not eating chocolate because of that and yet my baby died when junkies, alcoholics and smokers etc can all have babies that grow and live it makes me so mad!

anyway sorry i have started ranting now and thats it all coming out which helps even a little so ta for listening and while i hope i havent offfended anyone i cant help how i feel...

Sorry for going so off tangent though...

thanks....Laura xx

Oh Laura, you are going through such a bad time at the moment it's not surprising that you are finding things so difficult. It must be heartbreaking to work in the job you do having just gone through a mc. If it helps at all, on my first cycle after my mc I had bleeding on and off until my first AF and that lasted 17 days, so I know it can be really common to take a while for your cycle to get back to normal.. Easy as it is to say, the more you worry about it, the worse you will feel, and it won't help you in the long run. When I started trying again I was so stressed around ov that I could feel my heart beating every time I thought about it and felt constantly on edge. Strangely enough, my AF then turned up a day early. Can you manage to get an appointment with your new doctors? Even if it takes a while at least it will put your mind at rest when you eventually manage to speak to them.

Have you thought any more about talking to a councillor? I think that just talking to someone might really help you and as lovely as they are , hubbies don't really understand what we are going through.

If you want to email me please feel free. Sending you lots of hugs, xxx

Hey Laura, how are you feeling today? Ive been worrying about you, I really think you would find it helpful to get some councilling, just to be able to talk about things, not to forget but to help deal with everything that has been going on, you have been through so much this past year, Love Luc xxx

Thanks you 2....

Yes its hard with my job espec when i see people who i think dont 'deserve' to have babies and i feel that is making me more bitter about my mmc and really jealous but i have no choice i have to stick it as not many jobs going and we have a steep mortgage so i cant afford not to work at least not at the minute...

Getting all the crap now doesnt help but im looking for another job and also at going back to uni for the year which would mean putting ttc on hold til december time but fate seems to have taken that decision out of my hands at the minute and i can only hope my af appears soon and that this month is a fluke as i really want a baby.....we have been bding incase i have made ovulation (so para about PCOS now even though i never had that before...i got pregnant 1st month for goodness sake!

Anyway thanks for asking, i am still thinking on the thought of maybe talking to someone but im still aganst it at the minute (i know i know i can hear you all shout it would so me good) but i still cant get my head round how it would....off loading on here helps a little and i hope you all dont mind that? I think talking to someone may help as its getting it out there even more but at the minute this is a big step for me and this site has been a uge amount of support and i feel thatno matter what you ladies are going through yourselves you are all amazing and so mayeb in a few months if no improvement i will talk to someone but in the mean time i just wish my af would show as thats whats stressing me the most,...

It wil be 3 weeks on tuesday since that spotting before which i am hoping was just an abnormal af - i thought maybe it was ovulation as i have read you can bleed even though i never have but then never had the pains this month that i have had last few months which i thought were ov pains either and i have never had them before mmc or mid cycle bleeding so i thought maybe it was my body oving as last few afs have been normalish (aprat from the brown spotting) in terms of timing and length but they have been lighter so perhaps i havent shed an egg? It sjust so confusing so i hoped it was that but then it lasted for 5 days and is stressing me so much as it was so unexoected and didnt come to anything other than the spotting...

Anyway there i go off on one again sorry....

Thanks for askign how i am doing...

Love Laura xx