Hi ladies,

Just wanted to write this, not entirely sure why, maybe it will help someone or maybe it will just give me some closure on the whole thing but i just feel i've got to do it now!!!

In May 2006 at the age of 18 i fell pregnant with my first baby, a little boy. From the start of my pregnancy things didnt feel quite right, i had terrible mood swings and horrible dreams that things were happening to me and the baby. I developed OCD and, especially towards the end of my pregnancy I would go into my little one's bedrrom every night to unfold and fold his clothes as i believed that if i didnt then things would go wrong. At the time no-one really said much else than it's your hormones, when the baby is born things will be fine and due to the fact that my home life was unstable at the time i just got on with it.
When D-day came 2 weeks early in Feb 2007 i was a little surprised and after a quick labour my baby boy was placed onto my tummy. At the time i was in shock as things had all happened so quickly that i just sat in silence. I spent 2 days in hospital and then on the 3rd day i was discharged home.
I had been feeling low already due to extreme baby blues and by the 3rd day was spending more of the day blubbing than anything else. I felt i really couldn't stand my baby and remember thinking why on earth do i feel like this when i should be over the moon. I didn't want him near me but i didn't want anyone else to hold him. At the time my partner didn't live with me and i was by myself most days of the week so i just got on with things and although people had noticed my mood was low no-one really noticed much at all. My 6 week health visitor check came and went and my postnatal score was 32. At this point I was told i had post-natal depression and so was put on fluoxetine. I say i was put on fluoxetine but i didn't take them, at the time i felt if i took them then they may kill me or pass through my breast milk and kill my baby. I got married in June 2007 and from the start i think my husband knew that something wasnt right. After that everything really becomes a blur, i remember some really horrible thoughts going through my head and at one point i honestly thought i was going to drown my baby. My senses were all over the place so i believed i could smell things that weren't there and that people were touching me when they werent. Eventually it got to the stage where i thought i could hear people outside my window trying to break into my house at 2am to take or hurt my baby and so i would take him out as i believed it was safer for him to be out of the house. When i look back now i feel so ashamed that i would have put him in any danger.

After this i was put under the care of the mental health team and social services became involved. I was voluntarily be admitted into a psychiatric hospital to help find the correct treatment and get me well again. I was told that for my son this was the best thing as i couldn't look after him properly with the way i was feeling. I was put on a cocktail of tablets, some to help me sleep, some to calm me down, some antidepressants and some anti-psychotics and slowly things started to get better. Due to the fact that we don't have a mother and baby unit where i live we were separated for 8 weeks and i saw my little man between 1 and 3 times a week for around 20mins at a time but becaude of the medication i was on i felt detached from the visits.

I missed the first time my little boy sat and the first time he crawled and as his mother that still breaks my heart. I feel angry that the illness took that away and that is time i'll never get back with him.

When i came out my little boy wasn't so little anymore and because he had been cared for by his aunty everyday while my husband worked he had more of a bond with her than he had with me. For the first 2 weeks of being out i had to have someone with me all the time as he didn't want to be near me and wouldn't even let me hold him. That was the worst part, i felt like my own son didn't even recognise me as his mother. Over time that got better and by the time i had been out 2 months things were back to normal, i had reduced much of my medication and i finally felt as a mother should, completely in love with my little boy. I still had bad days but over time things have improved dramatically.

My little boy is now 2 years old, i love him with all my heart and our bond is as if none of this had ever happened. I have since had another baby, a little girl and even after a slightly rocky start there is no evidence at all of any postnatal illness. I am obviously monitered quite closely, even now. I am now expecting again and although the baby wasn't planned I am looking forward to being a mum for the third time and knowing what it was the first time i will hopefully never get to that stage again if it ever does happen.
I just wanted to let anyone in this position know that you CAN overcome this and do not be ashamed of having post-natal illness, it's alot more common than people realise.

thank you for writing this as although my pnd is not as severe as what you experienced it is so good to hear that things can and will get better. i have only just started my anti depressants and know i have to give them time to work but i think just knowing that they are going to help is making me feel better already.
love to you and your lo's, Fiona

What an honest account of pp. I have pnd but am on the road to recovery so to speak.

I am sure that your story will help some mums on here. I am so glad things are better for you now. xxx