While all the other children are enjoying the fun and games at a party, your toddler is clinging to your legs. No amount of gentle coaxing will entice him out of his comfort zone - about 1 metre from you.
If this sounds familiar, don't worry. Though we all want our toddlers to be happy and confident, many children start out on the shy and timid side. While you shouldn't try to give him a personality transplant, it doesn't mean he can't gain confidence as he grows up. Nurturing his self-esteem is one of the best gifts you can give your child. And the first step to confidence? Helping him learn to like himself.
‘It's never too early to start building your toddler's self-esteem,' says Elizabeth Pantley, parenting author and a mum of four. ‘Confident children are often more comfortable learning and trying out new things.' Everything we do from the way we speak to our toddlers to how we spend time with them has an impact on their self-esteem. ‘Through our words and actions, we're telling a child he's a capable human being,' says Elizabeth. ‘Encouraging him with kind words is always important.
‘Try to expose him to new adventures, too - from making cakes at home to going to a museum. Each new experience and each successful moment boosts a toddler's confidence in himself.'
Fill him with confidence
If your toddler tries to dress himself, albeit in a muddle, it's still important that you praise him for his effort.
‘Praise is important to toddlers,' says Elizabeth. ‘He wants to please you, and when he does, it fills him with confidence and encourages him to try new things.'
Even if he doesn't quite get the hang of something, remember to praise him for trying. ‘His job is to learn about the world in bits and pieces,' says Elizabeth. ‘So if he's pouring juice and spills some, he's learned something about the process. And he also gets to learn about cleaning up!'
Is it possible to big your toddler up too much? ‘You can't give a toddler too much praise,' says Elizabeth. ‘I'm a grown woman, raising a family and running a business, yet I still love my mum telling me, "I'm so proud of you."' So praise away!
Give him independence
Yes, yes, we know he still feels like your ‘baby' and it seems too early to even think of ‘letting go.' But encouraging your toddler to be independent is a key part of self-confidence. So it's important to provide opportunities for him to take small - but significant - steps towards
becoming self-reliant.
‘Allowing him to do things on his own, like going to find his toys or
putting things away, are great ways to boost independence and confidence,' says Elizabeth. ‘It gives him space to find out he's fine without Mum or Dad right by his side. Try taking him to the park and once he's playing on something, move a short distance away and sit on a bench. Every now and then, wave at him or make a comment such as, "Wow - you're going fast on that roundabout!"'
Each major milestone - such as moving to a ‘big boys' bed and learning to use the loo - also helps to boost confidence. ‘They're like building blocks,' Elizabeth says. ‘Each new skill helps a child realise he can learn something new and propel himself on to the next stage.'
Give unconditional love
Loving him for who he is - not who you want him to be - will make him feel confident and secure. If he's shy, it can be tempting to put him in the limelight but this can do more harm than good.
‘You shouldn't force a toddler to be more outgoing than he feels comfortable with,' says Elizabeth. ‘A shy child often just needs more time to adjust to new things and a few more words of encouragement.'
And never underestimate the power of saying, ‘I love you'. Make it the first thing you say to him every morning and the last thing at night - and any time in between, of course! ‘Children who know they're loved by their parents will be happier and more confident as they grow up,' says Elizabeth.
What works for us
Here's how two mums help their toddlers feel more confident
‘I reward him for trying'
Rachel Mackley, 24, lives in Edinburgh with her son Theo, 4
At the swimming pool, Theo used to lose his nerve in the changing room and refuse to go in the pool, so I bought a Reward Band - a bracelet you stick stars on. I promised him a star if he dipped his toes in. It worked and now he loves swimming.
I use the band to reward other things like going to the loo on his own. It encourages him to try things he's nervous about and it boosts his confidence when he realises he can do so many things on his own.
Even when he gets something wrong, he gets a reward for trying, which is so important. The other day he came downstairs with his shoes on the wrong feet - but he got a star for having a go! It makes him feel proud of himself.
‘I give them freedom'
Malin Cunningham, 35, works in PR and lives in Manchester with husband Mick, and their daughters Hanna, 1½, and Elin, 3
I think many parents can be too quick to tell their children off for things which aren't naughty - like getting food on their clothes or splashing in puddles and mud. As I worry this could inhibit children, I try to give my girls as much freedom of expression as I can.
I'm originally from Sweden and there, children spend most of their time playing outdoors, exploring and getting their hands dirty. I take my girls out as much as possible, I let them get as mucky as they like and love to watch them have their own adventures, picking up twigs, leaves or even worms and squelching in mud. That makes them feel carefree and independent which I think is helping them grow into confident children.
Easy confidence boosters
Eight ways to make your child feel good about herself today
- Give her one-to-one time. Showing her she's worth your attention is a great ego-boost.
- Believe in her. If she's having trouble finishing a jigsaw puzzle, tell her, ‘I think you can do it, even though it's really hard.'
- Listen to her. It may take forever for her to say something but be patient, let her finish, and show you're interested.
- Praise her when she does well and tries hard. And sometimes, praise her for just being ‘her.'
- Reward her. Make a star chart and give her a star when she makes a real effort so she doesn't have to ‘achieve' before she feels good about herself.
- Let her try things alone. She wants to pour the milk on her cereal but you're in a rush. But what's a few extra minutes if it makes her feel proud of herself?
- Be positive about everything. So when she has an ‘accident', instead of, ‘Look at the mess!', try, ‘What a good girl for telling me you needed a wee, but we didn't get to the potty in time. Next time tell me even sooner.'
- Help her out. Put her shoes in front of the correct feet before she puts them on so she thinks she's done it ‘all by myself'.
For more ideas try...
- Perfect Parenting by Elizabeth Pantley (£9.99, Contemporary Books)
- Swap tips with other mums in our chatrooms.
