Laura Buchanan, 23, a part-time receptionist, lives in Stoke-on-Trent with her husband Mark and their son Benjamin, nearly 2. Laura is at the end of her tether with her son's non-stop tantrums.
‘Benjamin seems to go into a tantrum at the slightest thing. He bites, hits, kicks and screams. It makes me feel so upset. He's even started pulling my hair and throwing his toys at me.
Just telling him ‘no' will start him off, and trying to get him to do something he doesn't like is almost impossible without a massive tantrum. He kicks up a fuss if I even leave him for a couple of minutes to pop to the loo. It's so distressing seeing him get himself into such a state that I can't bear letting him cry and I give him a cuddle.
Bedtimes are a battlefield. To be honest, I now let my husband Mark take him up to his room as I can't cope any more. I'm often in tears myself by this stage as I feel so helpless and guilty that I'm not taking control.
I have started to wonder if it's me. When Mark gets home from work, Benjamin rushes over to him, all smiles, with his arms out shouting, ‘Dada!' He's a different child from the one I've been struggling with all day. Apart from the tantrums, Benjamin is a lovely little boy. He's very intelligent and independent. Please help me get us both through this difficult stage.'
Our expert says...
Caroline Dunford, a psychotherapist and counsellor, is author of How To Survive The Terrible Twos.
‘There's lots going on for Laura and Benjamin. As well as the tantrums, bedtimes are tough and Benjamin is also showing signs of separation anxiety - getting upset when Laura leaves the room. Laura's coping well with a hard situation.
‘She's getting it right by praising Benjamin's good behaviour, and she is obviously a devoted, capable mum. But, like all mums, she hates seeing him cry. When she tells him 'no' and he acts up, she may not give in to him, but she does cuddle him. She told me Benjamin was a very colicky baby and she can't help still wanting to comfort him when he cries.
'Now Benjamin is becoming a toddler, he is getting desperate to take control of his world, but he's feeling torn between this and wanting his mum all the time. But there are ways of calming down her little hothead.'
1 Don't take it personally
As Benjamin's main carer, Laura is the focus of his bad behaviour. It's so easy for mums to feel they aren't loved when a child is much better behaved with Dad - but that's because Dad hasn't been through the ups and downs of the day with them.
2 Reassure him
Separation anxiety partly explains Benjamin's behaviour and this is very natural. Move gently towards taking time away. Ensure your child has a safe space to be in while you go away for a minute, to the loo or to answer the door, for example. Give him a favourite toy and say you'll be back very soon. Come back as promised and praise him. If you're leaving your child for longer with a babysitter, for example, tell him when you'll be back, and explain that if you are needed, the babysitter will call for you to come home. Be positive and optimistic - no matter how you feel!
3 Try time out
Laura is completely right not to cave into Benjamin's tantrums, but cuddles still reward his strops. Instead, make him do ‘time out' for bad behaviour - one minute for every year of his life. Designate a time-out space somewhere in the house and make sure it's boring and there are no toys there.
4 Join a toddler group
Socialising with other children will help Benjamin a lot as it will give him another focus apart from his mum.
5 Confiscate thrown toys
If your child throws a toy at you, take it away and put him in the time out area. Afterwards, explain he'll only get the toy back when he's shown good behaviour.
6 Give him independence
Encourage your toddler's independence in positive ways. For example, let him choose his own clothes, which toys to take to bed and which bedtime story he wants to hear that night. That way you're acknowledging him as an independent little person. Also, try ‘perceived choice' such as ‘Would you like to wear the red coat or the blue coat when you go out?' - that way you are not giving him the option of going out without wearing a coat!
7 Ignore biting
Being bitten by your child is distressing but the best way to deal with it is to show as little reaction as possible. Any attention, even negative, is what he's after from you. By withdrawing this, you're saying his behaviour is unacceptable.
8 Have fun
Toddlers are great fun so don't get overwhelmed by the tough challenges. Play games, sing songs and let him ‘help' you with the housework. Let him empty the washing basket while you tidy up the bedroom or give him a wooden spoon to play with when you're in the kitchen. Make him feel involved by chatting to him about whatever you're doing.
9 Set a bedtime routine
It's important to establish a consistent routine before bedtime. After Laura says 'goodnight' to Benjamin, she should leave his room. There's bound to be a short protest cry. If he keeps crying, Laura can return to reassure him, but only to say she's nearby and that it's bedtime. She may have to do this more than once, but the message should be clear, 'I'm around, but it's time for you to sleep now.'
10 Recharge your batteries
Last but not least, you need some time for yourself. Living with a toddler is exhausting and being a mum is a full-time job, but you're also a person in your own right - a partner and a friend. Getting a break from your toddler, even for an hour or two, helps renew your energy.
How To Survive The Terrible Twos by Caroline Dunford (£7.99, White Ladder Press) is available to Prima Baby readers at the special price of £6.50 (inc p&p). To order, call 01803 813343, and quote reference ‘Prima Baby'.
The result
Laura is amazed at how well Benjamin is now behaving:
'Caroline's advice sounded brilliant in theory but I was worried Benjamin wouldn't respond to it. He can be so headstrong. But, in just two days, I saw a big difference.
'We had got into a rut and Caroline helped us break out of it. Now, instead of just saying 'no' all the time, I make an effort to go down to Benjamin's level and explain why. It really seems to have helped. I've designated the hall as a time-out area, but I've only had to put him there once. Now I warn him that if he does something again, he'll go in time out, and that's enough to make him stop.
'Caroline's advice about making Benjamin feel involved by letting him pretend to help in the kitchen was great. He loves it. I'm also encouraging him to feel more independent by letting him choose things like which cuddly toy to take to bed. He's much better at letting me out of his sight, too. I say things like, 'Stay and mind Teddy until Mummy comes back.
'Now I'm more consistent, so Benjamin knows that I mean what I say. This has really helped at bedtime. He realises that even if he cries and kicks up a fuss, he's still going to bed. From having a full-blown tantrum, he just whinges for a couple of minutes now, before settling himself. What a relief! We've finally got our evenings back and I feel so much more rested and relaxed.'
