Starting Again

Monday Aug 11 2008 12:32:06

By maisiesmum1

Sadly I've just had my second miscarriage this year, the first was a blighted ovum in January at 7 weeks, my baby would have been due this Saturday 16/08/08. Having got pregnant again I booked an early reasurrance scan at 9+2 (2/08/08) I was told that my baby had died at 7+2, everything was going so well, i'd been doing everything right, had no bleeding no pain, no signs, words can't explain the shock that comes with news like that.

My OH hadn't really come to terms with being pregnant the first time, he hadn't got his head around it before I miscarried so I don't think he felt the loss, I on the other hand suffered for months and was starting to feel back on track when I got pregnant again. My OH was totally on board, very excited, told our families so this time I think he's also struggling with the guilt from not feeling it last time. He has been great, very supportive and I'm very lucky, he's convinced that we will have our baby and I hope he's right.

Last week I had a D&C to remove our baby, it was a very sad day and I'm starting to come to terms with what has happened, at the moment I feel like I'm walking around in a thick fog, I want to snap out of it but it's just so hard, I don't want to spend the next few months grieving again.

Our only positive news is that because I'm 36 the doctor will refer us for testing to see if there is a reason why I've miscarried twice, normally you have to have 3 or 4 miscarriages but she felt it was unfair to make me wait and because my clock is ticking she thought it would be best to act quickly.

I have a beautiful 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship, luckily we hadn't broken the news to her yet, she would have been heartbroken. So for now we are still a family of 3, the next few months seem so uncertain but maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, maybe our baby will come, I hope so.

I intend to keep this blog as a way to express my feelings and thoughts and hopefully some time soon it will have a happy ending!

Recent Comments

Starting Again

Wed 13th Aug 2008 Today I woke up feeling crap, just empty and in a complete daze. Decided to go shopping with my little girl. Told my poor OH I was going out, he's not in work until this afternoon so was enjoying a lie in. For the first time I saw the effect I'm having on him, the usual sound of laughter in our house has been replaced by silence, it's not that we haven't been talking I'm just finding myself withdrawn. I decided to try a little harder today, there is one thing grieving for something you've lost but I know I have to look to what I have already, my daughter is here and now and she needs her mummy. Today will be a fresh start.... So we went shopping and decided to go home and cook a nice family breakfast for OH, my daughter bought him a thank you card for looking after me and her and I bought him a card to thank him for being so wonderful. He cried when he read them, I feel so sad that he has been carrying me and his own grief, he looks tired and pale. He is normally so energetic and positive it's heartbreaking to see. So we had our nice breakfast and we talked, Saturday is a big family occasion, I don't know if I'm up for it yet and I explained my reasons, our first lost baby would have been due Saturday, along with this I don't think I'm up to partying just yet and he understands but I can see that bit of sadness there too. I've said I will see how I feel on the day. we then talked about trying again, he asked me if I can go through this again, I do want to try but there is the possibility that we will have to go through this again, I don't know if I'd be able to handle it but does that mean we give up. I'm scared that if I don't appear to be back to normal soon he'll say he doesn't want to try again, I don't want the decision to be taken away from me either. To top it off, the hospital sent my appointment for my booking in scan etc today, that's all I need! So maybe my fresh start will have to wait for tomorrow being positive is harder work than wallowing at the moment.

Posted by maisiesmum1

August 13, 2008 01:18 PM

Starting Again

Wed 20th Aug 2008 A week on I'm feeling a little better though the last thing I think of before I go to sleep everynight is the image of my baby on the scan and hearing the words 'i'm sorry'. But still each day is becoming easier. Physically I just feel drained, I've suffered terrible headaches and nausea since the D&C the doc says it's a reaction to anaesthetic I just want to feel well again. I want to exercise and have energy but I just feel sluggish all the time. I've got my first appointment at the clinic on 25th Sept, hopefully it won't be long before things start to happen though part of me just wants to get pregnant straight away. We went for our family meal on saturday, I left it to the last minute to decide if I was up to it. I did have a good time though hearing my sis in law being congratulated on her pregnancy and all the 'oh no you can't do that, eat that etc you're pregnant...kinda stings a little. my little girl is being incredibly clingy she doesn't want to go to anyone at the moment, although I never told her anything she must sense that something has happened, it's so unlike her I hope she get's back to her normal self soon. Things with my OH have been great, I can't help but feel very clingy though at the moment which must be a little suffocating for him, we're both very independent but he's been fantastic. Our only problem is 'normal relations' at the moment, I'm still bleeding so we can't resume our sex life which is difficult, as close as we feel it's always been such an important part of our relationship. We've booked 3 nights in the lakes for the end of the month, just the 2 of us hopefully that will be our fresh start. So overall a little less wallowing this week, a lot more sleeping and hopefully in a few weeks a lot more loving!

Posted by conny

August 20, 2008 12:47 PM

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