THE PROBLEM: Elisa's husband Chris died of a brain tumour nine months ago, and she needs reassurance about how to sensitively handle her daughter Lily Twinkle, nearly 3.
HER MUM ELISA SAYS: Our beautiful daughter was approaching her second birthday when Chris died, and although she doesn't remember a lot about his death, Lily does have memories of stroking his legs when he was in pain.
Lily didn't attend her daddy's funeral, but in a few weeks we'll be having a simple ceremony when Chris's ashes will be interred; I don't know whether this is something Lily should be involved in.
Lily knows her dad is gone and will occasionally cry, saying she needs him. I do explain that Daddy was ill and is now with the angels, but it can be so heartbreaking to see my little girl so upset.
On the whole I feel Lily has coped well and I believe we have a wonderful relationship and are able to give each other strength. But I do have concerns about Lily's behaviour and how I discipline her. I wonder whether her sometimes-defiant behaviour is because she is just being a toddler or is she acting up because her dad isn't here.
WONDERNANNY GITTE SAYS: We all deal with death differently. Lily lost her dad at an early age, but it doesn't make the grieving process any less painful.
Lily is at an age where fantasy and reality can get muddled. Children don't really understand the finality of death until they're about 6. It's not surprising that Lily asks her mum if Daddy is going to come to the park just minutes after Elisa has explained that he won't be there.
It is common for a child to think that if they wish hard enough, whatever they wish for will come true. Elisa must continue to be honest with Lily, and it's also a good idea to explain in simple terms what death is. For example, when we die our bodies stop working so we don't eat or drink.
Elisa has shown what a caring mother she is, even while dealing with her own pain. In situations like this, it's easy to turn a blind eye to a child's behaviour, but all children need routine and boundaries - it helps them feel secure and to better understand their role within the family.
It is easy to let a child's behaviour slip because of an 'event' - a death, marriage, holiday or even a simple family outing. But this makes life more difficult in the long run.
Elisa must confront issues and deal with them. It may be hard at first, but if she remains consistent she will quickly see positive results.
My ATA approach teaches consistency: Ask, Tell Act. First ask Lily nicely to, for example, get into her car seat. If she doesn't, then Elisa must tell her that if she doesn't get in, she will physically put her in. If Lily still refuses, Elisa must act, ignoring Lily's protests. By being consistent and following through, Elisa will be teaching Lily that she means what she says.
Deciding whether Lily should attend the occasion when Chris's ashes were to be interred was something that only Elisa could do. However, she should be honest with Lily about what would be happening.
If Lily was to attend, Elisa should make sure someone she is close to, other than Mummy, is with her at all times. So if Lily wanted to for example, run off to play a game, Elisa wouldn't feel torn between being there for her daughter and expressing her own grief.
Elisa must also talk to Lily beforehand about what would happen during the ceremony: who she would see, and that some people might be crying or telling stories about Daddy.
As Lily grows up, it is important that Elisa talks openly to her about her father. When a tragedy happens, parents can mistakenly think that by not talking about it, it will be easier for the chld as they are not reminded of it. This actually has the opposite effect.
Talking about a tragedy helps a child understand and eventually accept what has happened.
As adults, we shouldn't be afraid to show our emotions in front of children: it's OK to be sad at times and happy at others. Lily should always be allowed and encouraged to ask questions and talk about her Daddy whenever she wants.
Elisa and Lily will come through this together. By not allowing Chris's death to be an excuse, and by confronting Lily's behaviour now, Elisa will help her daughter grow into the happy, confident girl she wants her to be.
